Bits and Pieces

Good Riddance 2011

2012-01-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

After a year filled with such drama and upheaval, almost literally from start to finish, I am SO BEYOND GLAD to be still sane enough to appreciate the fresh start that comes with The New Year!

Twenty Dozen is MY fresh start. It's goodbye to the old me and hello New Me. It's goodbye to the old pain and resentments. Goodbye to the old heartache. Goodbye to toxic people. Goodbye to holding grudges past their usefulness, to hating instead of pitying, to crying over good (if painful) choices.

I am emerging. FINALLY. If all this strife was prelude to something amazing, and it just has to be, then frankly it was all worth it.

Still, good riddance 2011.

Epic Embarrassment!

2011-11-03T10:34:00.001-07:00

There is no good lead in for this story so I'll just throw it out there.
Ben peed on the floor of Walmart.

All over the floor.
Right through his pants.

He just let it rip.

I had to change him in the bra aisle using a diaper I had in my purse and a $3.88 pair of sweatpants I grabbed from the kid's department.

His own pants got thrown in the garbage.

Don't worry, I paid for the sweatpants.

Can't She Be Both?

2011-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ben really enjoys going to the daycare at the gym. His insistence on going every day is what I honestly think gets me to the gym on most days.

Now I think I know WHY he loves it so much.

As we were leaving the gym today, Ben was telling me about the gal who works there in the kids club.

Ben: "Brittany is a girl. She is a girl."

Me: "Yes, she is a girl. Is she a funny girl?"

Ben: "No. She's not a funny girl....she's a pretty girl."

Me: "Yes, she is pretty."

Ben: "Yesssss."

Here Comes the Sun

2011-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

I overheard my kids talking at 7 am...

"I wish we could pause the sunrise"

I wish I could pause it all.

She is SEVEN!

2011-09-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

On the way to school today:

E: Mom, I have hairy legs.

Me: So, hairy legs keep you warm. Like Sasquatch.

E: No!

Me: Yeah. Just like Sasquatch.

E: No! Sasquatch has long hair everywhere. Like long-sleeved hair. I just have little tiny hairs.

Me: Oh! Good! Then don't worry about it.

(Long pause during which I think the subject is dropped)

E: I wanna shave my legs.

Me: Are you crazy??!?! No way!! You are SEVEN!

Attention Kidnappers, These Moms are Onto Your Tricks!

2011-09-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

I just saw the funniest thing ever. Well, it didn't start out funny but it sure as hell ended up funny. For me at least.
Let me back up.

I went to pick up Liz and our neighbor from school. We have to wait like 10 minutes for the neighbor girl's school to let out so we wait at the park.

As I sit down in the grass this woman approaches me and asks if I have seen a little girl with curly blonde hair. I say "I JUST sat down, I didn't see her"

She walks off still talking to me, presumably, "There are two little girls and we can't find them..."

I am thinking, this is Simi and this is a small park, where the hell could they have gotten to?? They had like three moms engaged in the search so I didn't get up and join, I don't even know what these two missing girls look like so what help would I be, just hauling over random girls...Is it this one? This one? This one? I'd probably end up arrested!

Anyway, I digress...

The search party is wandering around, calling out these girls names for about five minutes. Fruitless.

Then these two little girls, one with curly blonde hair, come running out from underneath the playground equipment where they were sitting and happily playing the whole time.

The mom of the girls immediately starts yelling at them "Didn't you hear me calling you?" The girl, guilelessly says "No I didn't."

"Well you need to be listening for me when I am calling you and I didn't know where you were and you need to stay where I can see you...." blah blah blah...

I start laughing. Why was the mom yelling at her kids for playing on the playground? She should have been yelling at herself for being a dumb, blind bitch who didn't see her own kids 10 feet in front of her face!

The "crisis" averted, another kind mom reminds the once "missing" girls that they have to "Play where we can see you from now on!"

Oh, you mean like RIGHT ON THE PLAYGROUND IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?? Would that be an appropriate place to play? Whaddya think mom?

Those poor kids.

The best part was after the dust settled and the kids were properly admonished for being "missing" the moms sat down and started exchanging tips on what to do when the kids DO end up abducted, as surely they soon will be abducted...seeing as they had this very close call today.

My favorite tip was to remember what shoes your kids were wearing when they were abducted because "the kidnappers will cut their hair and change their clothes but they never remember to change their shoes."

Good tip.
I will have to remember that one.

Nightmares!

2011-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

It seems like more often than not these days (nights?) I wake up about four hours after falling asleep in a cold sweat. Nightmares! I am being chased, murdered, attacked, zombies are swarming, tiny adorable children are in peril or they are the killers chasing the adults...

It's freaking me out!

I have always had weird dreams. Sometimes they recur. I have had the same dream about the car driving out of control maybe 20 times in my life. Sometimes I become aware while I am dreaming THAT I am dreaming and I am able to alter a familiar dream so it ends differently.

These are not those kind of dreams...they are fully out of my control. They are riddled with events and people and symbols. They are crowded. I don't know about you, but usually my dreams are pretty sparse. Not too many people are there with me.

The nightmares I am having now are just chock full of other people. I am in a huge crowd, always. Which is a waking nightmare for me as well.

A smart friend of mine informed me that in a certain school of dream analysis they teach that everyone in your dream is you. The murderer is you. The victim is you. You are the monster AND the hero. You are the naked student AND the rest of the class.

I don't know what that means for these nightmares. Am I the psychopathic murderous toddler? Am I the zombie? Am I myself AND my soon to be ex-husband? I don't know.

The other night I crashed at a friends house after a football game. I thought the change of scenery would change my sleeping pattern. No such luck befell me.

Instead I had a dream that when analyzed indicated that I was not processing my emotions that were arising over a significant change in my life.

Yeah. No shit. I get it. I absolutely am not processing my emotions. I am stuffing them so far back down inside me so I don't have to deal with what is going on around me, at least not emotionally.

So listen, Queen Mab, keep these freaking dreams out of my head! I get it. Message received. Give me back my Shemar Moore dreams please!

How to Read Minds

2011-05-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Dylan: Mom! You didn't make ME a sandwich!

Me: Did you want one?

Dylan: Yeaaaaah!

Me: Well I didn't know, you didn't ask for one.

Dylan: I did! In my mind!

Me: You have to say things out loud, I can't hear inside your mind.

Dylan: Well, you have to get closer to my head.

Whoa. Tim Curry.....

2011-04-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

I am not even remotely kidding about this, tonight I randomly began thinking of Tim Curry ... who may very well be my favorite actor...and all his amazing performances...

From Stephen King's IT

To Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show...

To one of my all-time favorite movies (as though the aforementioned weren't contenders though they SO ARE) Clue: The Movie.

And so I decided to post a tribute to him and I was satisfied with my demonstration of adoration AND THEN...I found out that TODAY is his birthday!!!

Creepy and weird!
But Happy Birthday Mr. Curry! You have given me a lifetime of hilarious and fantastic memories.

Criminal Dylan

2011-04-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dylan commits crimes against the household every day.
His three favorite forms of crime are:

1) Leaving the garage lights on and the door between the house and garage WIDE open. He does this 500 times a day.

2) Dropping a deuce and leaving it to be discovered like some form of public art. At least once a day.

3) Eating all the yogurt he can find. All of it. Whenever there is yogurt, he eats them all.

Rebecca Black Vs Miley Cyrus

2011-03-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

Play it...

Benjamin and the Reappearing Naps

2011-03-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a long time since Benjamin could be depended on to nap reliably.

I would guess that regular afternoon naps have been absent from our lives for about six months now.

Though I dreaded their departure, and fought him to continue the practice, I have since settled into a more relaxed attitude toward the afternoon nap. Lately it has not been much of an issue since he has steadfastly refused to take a nap of any duration.

The last two weeks or so however, the tides have been turning in an interesting direction.

He fell asleep watching cartoons on the futon about two weeks ago. I figured, maybe he ran himself out or he's having a growth spurt, or he's finally crashed from his all-candy diet!! (Joke)

I treated the nap as an anomaly. A blip. A bit of static. It was not to be expected and surely wouldn't become a regular occurence.

Perhaps a week went by and lo and behold...he fell asleep in the car on the way home from picking his sister up from school.

After all this time not having to deal with naps and nap scheduling and maintaining silence for said naps...I was ill-prepared for this change of events. In carrying him into the house, I jostled him excessively. He woke shrieking. I tried to lay him on the couch. He kicked me in the chest and ran away howling.

He finished out that afternoon crabby as can be. He ate an excessive amount of corn dogs and fell asleep at 6:30 pm at the kitchen table. Corn dog still in his tiny clenched fist.

Still, I had no illusions about a regular schedule of quieter afternoons or a peacefully snoozing toddler. I had been burned before. I said my bitter goodbyes to naps and I had shut the door on that phase of my life. The napping times, I said, were over.

Three days ago, he fell asleep in his bed in the afternoon. Slept three hours.

Two days ago, I went to the gym in the afternoon and the kids stayed home with their grandmother. Ben fell asleep on the couch. Slept for three hours.

Yesterday he fell asleep in the car on the way home from picking up his sister, slept on my bed for three hours.

Today, he fell asleep in the car again...

The faintest glimmer of hope is opening up in my cold dark heart.
Could it be?
Are the naps reappearing??

I fear that by posting this I will have jinxed myself and ruined the naps forevermore...
Stay tuned.

Chris Brown: Friggin Idiot

2011-03-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

Seeing the tease for the now legendary Chris Brown interview this morning on "Good Morning America" I thought to myself, "Why?"

Sure, he has an album coming out this week. So does Jennifer Hudson (who was on GMA yesterday). So does Panic! At the Disco and The Strokes. So that's not the criteria for booking him.

The song he performed on GMA today was released LAST October and peaked on the US charts at No. 15. So, having a big hit song wasn't the criteria for his appearance.

I would have to contend that the producers on GMA know that for most of their viewing audience, Chris Brown is known as "that singer who beat up Rihanna". Booking him instead of other acts with albums coming out, or acts with big hit songs indicates that though that tale might be two years old, it still resonates with GMA's audience.

Anyone who has seen the photos of a swollen, bruised, bitten Rihanna will not forget them nor will they likely take lightly the amount of pure animal rage that must have transpired that night.

Chris Brown is a man made front-page famous not by his musical talent or acting chops but by his very public meltdowns. Beating up Rihanna right before the Grammys, weeping on his knees at the Michael Jackson tribute during which he vowed "I let y'all down before, but I won't do it again...I promise" and now this violent tantrum.

Following the altercation with Rihanna, he famously stated that the scope of his actions left him "...in shock, because, first of all, that's not who I am as a person, and that's not who I promise I want to be."

Perhaps he is forgetting that who he is as a person is less about who he wants to be, or wants to be perceived to be, and can rather be almost totally summed up by the actions he takes, the words he speaks...in short who you are is what you do.

During the interview this morning with Robin Roberts, who pushed him for comment on Rihanna and his continuing legal issues (Brown is still on probation for the incident) Brown said "It's not really a big deal to me now, as far as that situation. I think I'm past that in my life."

Fair enough, however it is ENDLESSLY ironic that he then proceeded to reportedly scream, tear apart a dressing room, throw an object through a window and get into a verbal altercation with a GMA producer then rip off his shirt and storm out of the building.

Yeah, he's past it.

As far as his pleas that "this album is what I want (people) to talk about and not stuff that happened two years ago" his outburst not only revived chatter about his bad temper and resurrected questions about his mental state but also arguably completely erased any goodwill he had built up with the general public. He walked onto the GMA set as Chris Brown, looking for a comeback, come on and give the kid a chance and walked off a shirtless, livid, screaming, window smashing angry young man. So much for that second chance.

For someone who claims to have worked so hard to put the past behind him, mature and learn from his mistakes, Brown seems to have fallen back into his "old ways" very swiftly.

It is more likely that he would like to rehabilitate his public image without actually rehabilitating the character defects which earned him his current reputation as a dangerous, violent, loose cannon.

He speaks like the Wizard of Oz to Dorothy after the curtain has been pulled back, revealing the true nature of the Great and Powerful Oz

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

Brown would prefer to leave those curtains drawn, shelter the truth about himself from the public and possibly even from himself. Then he could go on with the pretense of being a changed man despite the very public announcement he made this morning that he's not so different after all from the boy who beat and bit a woman he claimed to have loved.

Perhaps now that his true nature has been revealed his family, friends and handlers will step in and ensure that he does get the assistance he needs instead of allowing him to go through the motions.

2011-02-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what is the right religion for me.
Believe you me, I have tried a lot.

My family is traditionally Catholic. Insomuch that both my parents attended Catholic school from elementary through college. However, after their super Catholic wedding, they both seemed to have turned away from the faith.
And though I was Christened...I was never Baptized.....

So I watched from afar as my cousins achieved their communions...the pictures came in the mail.

Meanwhile I was scrounging for religion. I would attend the church of anyone who would offer. My neighbors at the time went to St. Rose Of Lima, a Catholic church....

Oh, how I love Catholic church. I just feel whole and at home there. Must be my latent Catholocism coming out.

I've tried a lot of churches....Catholic, non-denominational, Baptist, Buddhist, Latter Day Saints, Jehovahs Witness...

Looking for the faith that makes me whole, I suppose.

A typical conversation

2011-02-09T17:19:00.001-08:00

Me: What do you want for dinner tonight?
Dylan: Chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese.
Me: What about for the grownups who don't want to eat that stuff?
Dylan: Well, you can eat something else. Like salad. I like salad now. With nothing on it. But not tomatoes.
Me: You don't like tomatoes?
Dylan: Not until I am six. When I am six, Liz will be seven.
Me: Yep. In fact, Liz will be seven in exactly one month.
Dylan: You mean, tomorrow?
Me: No, one MONTH.
Dylan: I don't understand.
Me: Ok, you know how when you wake up and go to school and come home and go to sleep, that is one day?
Dylan: Yeaaaah.
Me: And seven days in a row is a week: Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday, that's a week, right?
Dylan: Yes.
Me: And then four weeks in a row, like on the calendar, that's a month.
Dylan: (Silently thinking) Frankenstein is dead.
Me: Yes Dylan, Frankenstein is dead.

Little Known Side Effects of Candy Overindulgence

2010-11-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

I might be going to hell....or to candy island.

Dylan had a bloody nose this morning and another one at school.

Just a few minutes ago he was rooting around in the Halloween candy bowl.

Instantly, I had the greatest thought I have ever thunk.

I whipped around, looked him straight in the eye and said "Dylan! If you eat any more of that candy you will get another bloody nose. Too much candy is what causes bloody noses."

He froze, lollipop mid air.

"Do you want another bloody nose?"

Slowly he shook his head back and forth, as if to not tempt the capillaries in his nose to burst and issue forth a bloody waterfall.

He dropped the lollipop back into the bowl, turned around and ran away.

I did feel slightly guilty. But only slightly.

Gross Stuff

2010-09-30T11:46:00.001-07:00

I picked Dylan up today from school and asked him how his day went and what he had for lunch.

"Well, they finally found the perfect breakfast for me," he said.

"Really? What was it?"

"It was waffles and they were bigger and not crunchy and oranges," he said.

"Sounds good! What was for lunch?"

"Well, it was a biscuit and chicken nuggets, but they were straight, they make straight chicken nuggets and raisins but I didn't eat the raisins," he said.

"Dylan, you know how you like grapes?"

"Yep."

"Raisins are just grapes that they put in the sun and they dry up," I said.

"Um, mom? Why would they make good food into gross stuff?"

A Quick Funny

2010-09-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Our neighbor leaves his outdoor lights on all night long.
This morning we all woke up before sunrise so Elizabeth noticed that the lights were still on next door.
She asked me why they had them on all night.

"Probably to keep like possums out of their yard," I said.

"Oh yeah! Because they are nocturnal!" she said.

Seeing the chance for a joke...

"That means that when they come over to your house they KNOCK on the door, right?" I said.

She chuckled.

"Uh, no mom. That means they sleeeeeep during the day and stay up all night." she said. "Bats do it, and raccoons and owls and lots of animals."

Dang, she is smart.

Last Minute

2010-09-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend I may or may not be driving 800+ miles round trip to pick up a "new" car.
I won't know for sure until tonight because Bob hasn't had a chance to test drive the vehicle and get it checked out yet.

Not knowing one way or the other is making me INSANE.

I've never been much of a planner or organizer but I really don't like surprises, especially surprises that will involve 12 hours of driving.

Exasperated

2010-09-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's no wonder my blood pressure is high.
My kids are trying to kill me, I'm sure of this now.

Today I had to bring the dog to the vet to check his leg (looks infected, he's on antibiotics now) and of course, I had to bring the boys with me.

I anticipated that this would be a complete nightmare, but I had no idea.

Loading up the whole crew into the car went well. Unloading at the vet's office was also fine. However, as soon as the door shut behind us in the waiting room. All hell broke loose.
Sonny would NOT stop barking. And he's a beagle, so his bark is like half howl, half bark. All nightmare.
The boys were jumping up and down on the waiting room couches and pulling out pamphlets on heartworm prevention and canine weight control.

Sonny was tugging on the leash, pulling me away from the counter where I was attempting to give the nice woman my address and phone number. My brain was short circuiting. I was actually surprised that I remembered my cell phone number at all.

The only bright spot was that there was no other dog in the waiting room, so one less distraction.

Finally they call us back. And the gal tells me to follow her with Sonny back to the scale to weigh him.
But the boys couldn't come. So Benny started to cry hysterically. I had to hand Sonny's leash to the vet tech and return to my sobbing child.

When Sonny returned to the room, he continued his barking symphony. Would. Not. Stop.
While I was trying to tell the tech about his leg, how long it had seemed to be bothering him...bark bark bark.

There was a small seat in the corner of the room. The boys started fighting over it. Wrestling. On the ground. In the vet's office. Now they are covered in dog hair, Benny is screaming and swinging his tiny fists at Dylan while Dylan growls in Benny's face like a dinosaur.
Bark Bark Bark Bark!

"Does he have any other problems?" Bark bark bark!
Screaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"
"Any vomiting, diarrhea?"
BARK BARK BARK BARK!
Squeaaaaaaaaaal! "Grrrrr"
"Is he eating normally?"
Bark!
Scream!!! GRRRRRRRR!
BARK
"Drinking water? Sleeping well?"
BARK BARK

You get the picture.

By now my head was pounding. I was sweating. Lightning was flashing in my brain. I couldn't concentrate on anything.
BARK BARK BARK.

Then the tech tried to take Sonny's temperature. Rectally.
HA HAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, that didn't happen.
I have never heard such a protest in my life.
He was having none of that. NONE. OF. THAT.

The tech gave up, thankfully.
Then she left me in my own personal hell, but not before saying "You need a vacation" as she slipped out the door.

You got that right toots.

As we waited for the vet to come in the barking, screaming, wrestling continued.
I thought about just running away, but figured they would find me. After all, the vet office just got my address. Surely they would return the children and the dog to me. So, that wouldn't work.

I tried to curl into myself and block out the cacophony, but their shrieking was so piercing and the barking was so sharp I couldn't ignore either.
It's been almost an hour and I swear I can still hear the noise echoing off the tile floors.

Finally the vet came in and I had to lift Sonny up on the table. That was SUPER FUN. I am now covered in dog hair, sweating, my head pounding, the kids screaming. FUN FUN FUN.

I am convinced that dog hair is the main ingredient in Krazy Glue. You can't get the shit off of you. Once it's on you, it's on you. I look like Teen Wolf. This is ridiculous.

Exam over. Antibiotics prescribed.
We are waiting to pay now in the lobby. The kids trying to open the exit door to the parking lot. The dog darting in and out of all the thankfully empty exam rooms. Another dog with no eyes, seriously, NO EYES, comes walking out from the back room banging into all the walls.

Sonny was intrigued by this, but the no eyed dog somehow managed to turn back around and bumping his head on every wall in the place went back where he came from.

One hundred and fifteen dollars later, we loaded back up into the car with some antibiotics for Sonny and a raging headache for me.

As we drove away Dylan begged me "Can I please watch Big Time Rush when we get home?"

"Honey, I don't care WHAT you do, as long as you do it QUIETLY."

Yikes! Where have I been?

2010-09-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been waaaay too long since I posted an update.
What a slacker!

It's my birthday today! I'm now 20-12 aka 32. Boo.
I wish Bob could be here to celebrate with me. But alas. He is working in NorCal. Which is good. Very good.
The kids and I are still stationed at mom's house while we save money to move up to Vacaville.
Good times.
Liz has started first grade! WOW. Time flies.
Dylan starts preschool on Sept. 20 and Benjamin is pathologically obsessed with dinosaurs.
Maybe obsessed isn't the right word. Consumed. His every waking thought is about dinosaurs.
I taught him how to say Happy Birthday to me this morning and immediately after saying it his eyes lit up and he said "Dinosaur party!"

Oy.

Tonight I am having a sushi dinner with mom and friends and some champagne and prosecco. It's my tradition to have champagne on my birthday, even if I secretly hate my birthday. I think I even more secretly love my birthday.

2010-07-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

I had a long overdue visit to the doctor today.
Yay.

I was very nervous, anxious really. Not sure what kind of office it would be or how the doctor would be or how long the wait would be...

Some of you may recall my LAST doctor's office was ALL KINDS OF TERRIBLE. Perhaps you remember the time I waited two hours, long past my appointment time, and still never saw the doctor. Actually, I walked OUT of that office and never went back. That was a super fun day.

Anyway, back to the present...
I figured I better get checked up you know, I'm almost 32 now and I haven't had a regular checkup in years, at least not one that didn't involve me being pregnant.

So a MONTH ago I made the appointment. A month. I showed up and was happy to see that the building was very nice and new and well appointed. Lots of staff, not a lot of people waiting, that is all good news.

My medical professionals (nurses and a PA) were all very nice, knowledgable, not preachy but not unconcerned. I left there with what I wanted and a few things I didn't.

I have to go back Wednesday for lab work. Ok fine whatever. I'm not afraid of needles.
But I also left with a diagnosis of high blood pressure and a recommendation to adapt to a low salt diet. Now, I don't use a lot of salt to begin with, but the salt I use I LIKE IT! I want to keep it!

But now I've got a couple weeks to cut down salt, lose weight, lower blood pressure, and overall just get healthier lest the preachiness begin. You know they're just ITCHING to holler at us when we stay fat and happy!

In addition to getting myself back on the uncrazy meds (not because I'm all that crazy now but because I can FEEL the insane creeping in on me) I also got some pills to help with insomnia (buh-bye 2 am!) and some vitamins and other supplements. But all these medications come with contraindications...mine are alcohol, salt, too much sunshine, basically everything I love.

Oh bother. Maybe I'd rather get crazy?

The Bachelorette: Bamboozled!

2010-06-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by stating that aside from the premiere episode, during which I live Facebooked my impressions of the dorktastic cast of suitors, I have not watched a single moment of the current season of The Bachelorette. It proved to be just too darn painful.

So you can imagine my chagrin, nay, my abject horror, when I arrived over at my friends' house last night to see the paused expression of shock on Ali Fedotowsky's face emblazoned on the big screen TV.
No! NOOOOO!

Yes.
We were watching The Bachelorette. I was BAMBOOZLED!

But, two Dos Equis can get you in the mood for anything. Well, ALMOST anything. So I accepted my fate and promptly dived into the train wreck television show of the year.

The first catastrophe! Ah, the wrestler has a girlfriend (or two) and his whole appearance on the show was an attempt to garner fame and bolster his fledging Canadian wrestling career. Good luck with that pal.
Also, A) your girlfriend is a horseface and B)I enjoyed his free-running esque attempt to slip the cameras.
Additionally did he really think he would ever get out of that lie when, as it was made clear to us at the end of the segment, ol' Trigger saved his voicemail messages AND played them for production staff.

Game. Set. Match.

Just a tip from me to Ali, don't chase a man around asking him to "sit down and talk like a man" that makes you look pathetic, desperate and stupid.

Moving forward from that debacle we come to the oiled Turkish wrestling portion of the show. Nice move ABC. You got my attention on that one. This part of the show highlighted the fact that there are really only two viable options left for Ali, in my opinion: Hot Landscaper Guy and Roberto. Disagree if you wish, but it won't change my mind.
I really just wanted to see these two pitted against one another, but dangit if Hot Landscaper just couldn't hang in there. My dream crushed, I only half paid attention as Goofy-Looking Lawyer won the one-on-one time with Ali.

AND he pretty much screwed the pooch on that one. Didn't try to kiss her, was very weird and failed to pick up on her very standoffish body language. It didn't look good for Goofy.

Oh and I forgot to mention before that his friend Dumbo aka Lame Guitar Guy had a one-on-one date where he completely failed to capitalize on a very sexy setting to make a sweaty move on Ali and instead talked about his divorce and committment to committment or whatever the shit he was saying.

I said it in the moment and I'll say it now. This is the reason why these shows ultimately continue to fail to produce viable lasting relationships: the concept completely undermines the reality of human romantic attachment.

I've never met a guy and thought to myself "Dang! I bet that guy really loves his mom and is a fun-loving yet serious career minded athlete with strong morals and values!"
Nay nay.

True romance and relationships NEVER start out with a great resume..."you can see by my numerous ex-girlfriend references that I am very caring and compassionate..." blah blah blah.

In real life, you see someone, your heart explodes, they think you're cute too, you go get sweaty. All the rest of this moral and intellectual and compatibility stuff comes LATER. Not months later, but just a bit later. If you don't want to kiss someone who CARES if you have the same political outlook. Bleh.

OK...

So then after the oily wrestling and outright uncomfortable and unromantic fireworks date with Goofy, there was a one-on-one date with Frank, the beady eyed lizard man.

And there it was, unexpected but there none the less. He was the only guy who had actual chemistry with Ali. And boy howdy was there chemistry. Immediately upon seeing him she ran over, leapt into his arms and planted one on him. Then as they strolled around the streets their arms were all intertwined and they were leaning into each other and laughing, my GOD the laughing.

I don't get it, but I know it when I see it. That was the only real romantic relationship on the show.

So blah blah blah, they buy a carpet (no euphemism whatsoever) and eat dinner in a canal. Kinda gross if you ask me, but whatever.

Then Ali eliminates Goofy the lawyer, because seriously, he was like her big brother out there. And of course, he cries like a baby in the limo. Dork. He's gonna get mad ass back home though, so don't feel too bad for him.

Then BLAM, previews for next week. After another elimination (I'm thinking Kirk is gonzo) and visits with the remaining guys' families they all go Tahiti, sun, ocean, heat, flowers, thatched huts, romance, uh WHAT??

Frank bails?
WHAT THE EVERLOVING HELL???
Ali looks like she just got punched in the stomach and about tears out her hair and wracks with sobs, tears all over her face, she's a fucking mess.
And THAT my friends is true love. Evil, messy, mean and horrible.

So, yeah, I'll tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this train wreck AND find out who gets to keep that snazzy carpet.

Oh happy days!!

2010-06-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

Phase One is complete!

Bob is up in Northern Cali getting ready to start a new job on Monday!
This is the first step toward our being able to move out of mom's house and into our own place.
This is a long journey. It might take a few months or longer. We've got to save and find the right place in the right town with the right schools.
Moving sucks. S-U-C-K-S.
There's a reason why it's considered a major life event. Even the thought of packing (again) and moving (again) and setting up house (again) is stressful, endlessly stressful.

But ultimately it will be wonderful...and we can get back to SOME sort of normal. Whatever the hell that means.

Hold your Babies

2010-06-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot lately about children passing away.
It rips out my heart.

We recently had a local case of a baby who's mom was "resting" while he wandered into the pool and drowned. Tragic.

Then there is the child whose parents are friends of a friend of mine who at not even four months old died from cancer.

And of course, the children who were onboard a tragic flight bound for the Grand Canyon but which ended up plowed into the side of Round Valley High School.

All these stories are heartbreaking, all in their own way.

I read them and I immediately feel guilt for my short temper and my aggravation. My babies are still with me, and I need to appreciate them every single day, because you never know.

Wheel in the Sky Keeps on Turning

2010-06-14T19:52:00.001-07:00

It's gonna be a MUCH longer time before we get to move. Bob is still waiting to start his new job up in Vacaville and we've pretty well gone through our money.
Blurg.

So, I anticipate being here in Simi another year. Which is fine and good and all that, but it's still not MY house, even though it is the house of my childhood and the only house I really ever remember living in before I became an adult.

Of course, that also makes this place extremely weird along with comfortable.

I'm also contemplating a move to a private blog...weigh in...would you sign up? Even thought I've been super lazy lately, I think I can communicate more effectively with a private blog....lots of stuff goes on that may not necessarily be for the general public. Still, thinking about it. No decisions made yet.

It's been a long time....

2010-06-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

Since last I wrote....

Bobby is back but he's now in Utah and is leaving again for NorCal next week.

Dylan has to live with his silver teeth for awhile as we've found out that the dental chain place is populated with a bunch of ridiculous, lying scumbags...that or they are morons. Evil or stupid. One or the other. Don't worry, I'm on the case.

Elizabeth is getting ready to graduate from Kindergarten on Friday....sigh...
We just saw her school program Animals Animals Animals! She was a penguin. She was great!

Benjamin is becoming a total pool freak. He loves to swim. LOVES. TO. SWIM.
When I took him out of the pool today for a nap he cried for 20 minutes "I waaaaaant pooool"
Then when he woke up a few hours later his first words were "I waaaaaaaannnnnnt"

Clearly he hadn't gotten over the trauma.

Dylan's Magic Teeth

2010-05-04T08:35:00.001-07:00

I took Dylan to a chain dental office yesterday to get his cavities filled.
I mistakenly thought this was the only place that took his insurance. It turns out I was wrong. But I digress...

I had already cancelled and rescheduled the appointment once, I was hesitant to bring him back because I didn't like the place on our first visit.
Note to self: Listen to that voice.

I even considered cancelling yesterday's appointment because it was Bob's birthday, and we were all hanging out together having fun. But, I thought, he has to get these cavities filled. It just had to be done.

When we got there the office wasn't quite as crowded and noisy as it was the first time. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad?

They took Dylan back to the exam room to take x-rays. When they called me back to show me the x-rays they had once again left him alone in the exam room. I didn't like that at all. He is four. He has no common sense. He can't be left alone with sharp objects. Duh.

Then the alleged dentist showed me his x-ray and pointed out what they'd do. Her accent was so thick (Eastern European? Central American?) I couldn't quite understand everything she said. I heard "this cavity might be bad" blah blah blah "might have to do a baby root canal" blah blah blah "caps"

Here is where my brain started twitching. She kept saying they wouldn't KNOW if they'd have to do the baby root canal until they started, but it felt like she was saying here is the easiest way to do this, and we're going to do it. I should have said, no caps. NO CAPS. But I didn't. What do I know about dentistry?

Then they wrapped Dylan up in a papoose and I could see him starting to freak out. I should have ended it then. But I didn't. It had to be done. He can't walk around with cavities!

They told me to go back and wait in the waiting room. I already felt uneasy and called my husband to tell him I was not feeling good about this. But what could we do? It had to be done.

About 45 minutes later I saw them walking him down the hallway. How was he walking around? Weren't they supposed to have knocked him out? Turns out, they did NOT knock him out.
When he saw me, he burst into hysterical tears. I knelt down and hugged him, he was soaked with sweat. Hair all wet, clothes damp. Poor kid must have really been upset. I looked at his face. It was sprinkled with tiny red dots around his eyes and cheeks and down his neck. Broken capillaries.
He was yelling and crying so badly, he'd broken about a thousand capillaries.
What the hell did they do to him?

Then I looked at his teeth.
Three shiny silver teeth, all right up front.
They turned my son into a cyborg.

He was still hysterical. So with no aftercare instructions or medication, we left. I drove straight home in tears.
Once home I gave him a dosage of children's Motrin and made him sit and relax. Then I lost it.

His hysterical tears transferred to me. WHY didn't I trust my feelings? WHY did I let him go through with this? WHY did they put SILVER CAPS on his FRONT TEETH?

I spent the rest of the night at some level of that self-flagellating anger and despair. I barely ate dinner, didn't even consider a piece of birthday cake. I cried on and off.
I went online and printed out a list of every dentist in the county that takes our insurance vowing that I'd get this put right to save my soul from the sure damnation it was facing for allowing such a crime against my child.

Dylan came up to me said "I love you mom" Aw, I love you too baby. "But...you shouldn't have taken me to the dentist."

Whaaaaaah!

He started calling them his "magic teeth" because as he said they just put water on his old teeth and they turned silver. Uh, yeah.

I cried myself to sleep and had torturous dreams of plumbers wrenches and toothless grins.

This morning I woke up and started calling dentists.
I'm still waiting to hear back from one to see if she can replace the silver caps with the white ones. It seems like it's possible if not probable. It HAS to be. I can't have a cyborg baby with magic teeth.

Life Changes TBD

2010-04-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

There's a good chance that before the summer is over Bob and I will have moved again, taking the children with us of course.
This will mark the seventh time we have moved since 2002 when we first moved from one place in Vacaville to another place in Vacaville.
SEVEN moves in eight years, and two in less than a year?!? Yikes.

I think my record for most moves in a year is three which I believe I actually achieved in less than six months, and I was pregnant at the time. How we made it through that, I'll never know.

As this power plant job he's on starts to draw to a close (which should be in the next few weeks) he's already got another job lined up starting mid-May. But that job is ALSO not in Southern California, but rather based out of Vacaville. Seems like there's some unnatural force that really wants us to go back to NorCal.

Incidentally, I am totally fine with that. I love Northern California. You get all the great weather of SoCal (and a smidge more rain) and just a fraction of the plasticity. I can't imagine Heidi and Spencer packing it up and leaving L.A. for Sacramento. At least not until he runs for Governor. You laugh, it'll happen.

The list of pros is long indeed. I can get a job that will suit me and pay real money. Bob can be close to his family and beloved campgrounds and fishing holes. I can see my college friends more than once a year!

So, everyone keep your fingers crossed that we're able to work this out and hopefully by my next birthday I'll be writing this blog from a tiny apartment somewhere in NorCal. Or better yet, from my new fantastic job! On my break, of course.

Benny VS Fudgesicle

2010-03-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sleep Disturbances

2010-03-14T09:48:00.001-07:00

I have a long and storied history of insomnia.

Sleep is not my friend.

Apparently, I have passed on this affliction to my youngest child Benjamin.

He is nearly two years old and he is the worst sleeper of The Triad. Where the other two were sleeping through the night well before their third month on the planet was completed, Ben was over six months old before the first time I woke up to sunlight instead of late-night baby cries.

Last night, he went to bed at 8 pm. A completely normal bedtime for him.
He surprised me by going to sleep rather easily and quietly, without the usual 15 minutes of protest and indignation.

I was then quite UNsurprised when about an hour and a half later he started crying.

I went upstairs and took Dylan with me. The boys share a room. I laid down with Dylan on the queen bed in their room. Dylan was asleep in five minutes. Snoring.

Benny, however, went through a truly ingenious series of sleep evading moves over the next 45 minutes.

While I laid there quietly, trying to pretend to be asleep, Benny sat straight up and began clawing at the fitted sheet on the crib mattress. When it proved too snug to be removed even by the most Herculean of efforts, he resorted to punching the mattress like he was in a Tae Bo class for angry insomniac babies.

When the sucker punches yielded no results, he started punching at his own feet.

Then he threw himself onto his pillow, grabbed it in a giant bear hug, stood up and tossed it out of the crib. Shortly thereafter, he lowered out his blanket.

I broke the fourth wall so to speak, got out of bed, put his pillow BACK in the crib, laid him on it and covered him with his blanket.

That scene repeated about five times until he adopted a new tactic: Trying to take off his shirt.

He got one arm all the way out of the sleeve before I got out of bed, replaced his shirt and laid him back down.
That scene repeated three more times until I discovered that the only effective counter move was to actually remove his shirt. Problem solved.

The then turned his attentions on his giant stuffed Mario Bros. mushroom pillow. First, he hugged it like a favorite son heading to war. Then he threw it down to the bottom of his crib under his feet. Then he went Van Damme and kicked the crap out of it. When the mushroom was flung over to the side of the crib, out of reach of his feet, Benny alligator rolled over it pinning it up against the side of the crib slats over and over.

Then he tossed it out onto the floor.

It wasn't long after that when I got tired of the show and fixed him a small sippy cup of milk which put him to sleep rather quickly and I was then able to go lay in my own bed for an hour reading a book which only made me slightly tired.

Then I laid in my own bed, kicking at blankets, hearing noises that weren't there and fighting the urge to start punching the mattress in frustration.

I get it baby, I get it.

Oscar Fashion Wrap-Up

2010-03-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I am writing this while wearing my walking clothes. All black, messy up-do. I have no business critiquing other people's sartorial choices. But that doesn't mean I won't do it.

Last night was The Oscars!
For me, the awards are merely a long epilogue to the real story of the night, the fashion!
It's not my fault really.
I grew up in Southern California where the newspapers regularly and predictably devote countless column inches and full color inside pages to Oscar Fashion on the Monday following the ceremony. I have VERY strong memories of perusing those quickly assembled pages the morning after the Oscars.
And let's face it, some of the hideous outfits worn at this show endure in the public memory for FAAAR longer than we will ever recall which Documentary Short won the little gold man. Even if the director WAS Kanye'd during his acceptance speech.
See, you already almost forgot about that.

So, let's move on to the fashion.
Let me inform you in advance that I fully intend to ignore all the men unless they wore something truly hideous and inappropriate. I'm looking at you Judd Nelson, but I wish I wasn't.

The prominent hairstyle of the night was overteased messy up-do. The look was rocked by such notables as Sarah Jessica Parker, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and nominee Vera Farmiga.
It's not a BAD hairstyle. It's a nice change from the sleek, slicked down up-dos we've seen dominate previous Oscar ceremonies. But there is a fine line between messy chic and just messy. SJP.

Speaking of messy. I don't know how she does it, but even in this lovely dress Cameron Diaz gives off an "I'm drunk at the prom" vibe. I'm not a fan of her, so maybe I'm biased. But though the dress is nice, she looks a hot mess in it.

Kristen Stewart, who I expected to look a hot mess, actually pulled off this midnight blue dress really nicely. It's ALMOST too much but stops just short of overwhelming her tiny frame. Now, if she'd stand up straight and stop with the smug looks.

In easily my favorite dress of the night, perennial red carpet stunner Penelope Cruz. This is the perfect color, a nice shape that's interesting without being too weird.

Which brings me to...
Oh Vera Farmiga. I don't know who you are, but I'm talking about you. So I guess you win even though this dress is...over the top crazy.

Here are some ways to wear light pink:

Jennifer Lopez can pull off anything, I'm now convinced. This dress would look ridiculous on someone else. JLo just packed that booty in there and worked it.

Technically I suppose Demi Moore's dress is peach, but whatever. I actually like this look, though it MIGHT be too young for the female Dorian Gray here. I'm convinced there is an aging portrait of Demi Moore somewhere in a Beverly Hills attic. Nevertheless, this dress is ruffly without being too prissy and it's fun and flirty.

Anna Kendrick. I don't love this dress, it SOMEHOW makes this tiny waif of a girl look droopy and saggy. It's far too pale for her skin. It makes her completely fade away. I am not a fan.

Moving on to:

Tina Fey is busting out curves I never knew she had in this dress. I'm not crazy about the one shoulder look in general, but Tina looked great. Love the hair.

Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock certainly anticipated winning. She even dressed to match her award in this gold dress. It's a nice dress, she looks good. More than that, she looks uncomfortable, stiff. And she's such a fun lady, it's too bad that she didn't bring that playful vibe to the awards. The lipstick is terrible also.

These were merely MILD failures of fashion though, when you compare them to these overwhelmingly ridiculous get-ups.

Charlize! I realize you are single now, but that's no reason to highlight your "assets" with swirling rosettes. Bad Charlize, very bad.

How people continue to think of this woman as a fashion icon boggles my mind. Her hair is a hot mess. Like she snapped a marble rye onto the back and then went jogging. The dress is drapey and droopy and blingy in weird places. Hideous.

Molly Ringwald. You could have done better. I love the dark purple color of this dress with her signature red locks and pale skin. But the Greek goddess thing does not work for her. Shorter, tighter, less snake-like accessories, less excessive sleeve material. Get Annie Potts to help with that.

I heard that this dress had cutlery sewn into it. There's always one totally weird one right? But at a distance, it's cute. She's 25, first-time nominee, having fun. The cut of the dress is flattering. She looks cute, but forks? In a dress? Eh, ok.

Kate Winslet, I really like you! This weird outfit is just weird. Weird mismatchy colors, corset on top and looks like bloomers on the bottom. Not my favorite.

Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she threw on a beach wrap and came out to the Oscars. Ew ew ew.

Only a skinny twig like Diane Kruger could wear a dress that cuts her body into three segments like this. That said, she looks like a blueprint for a magicians' trick. Cut here, here and here.

Suzy Amis, well, she had to wear blue, and the color is nice. But she's TOO tiny and pale for all that fabric. Again with the goddess look going a bit overboard.

Oh, and dear Associated Press factcheckers...
This is Elizabeth Banks. Blonde girl wearing a grey dress. She looks nice. Kind of bland. She could do better.

and thissss....
...is Rachel McAdams wearing the upholstery from a psychologists waiting room couch in 1987. Yuck. Hated it.

Amanda Seyfried, so boring. She's young and could have pulled off something with a smidge more pizazz. Also, she's all one color.

Who invited Morticia?

Zoe Saldana would have been better off wearing her Avatar costume than this hideous purple and black Beetlejuice looking can-can dancer get-up. Bleh. She's a pretty girl, she doesn't need all that.

And lastly, dear sweet Mariah Carey, showing us what Snooki is going to look like in about 10 years.

Elizabeth's Accidental Birthday

2010-03-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

My daughter will turn six next Tuesday.

Naturally we are in the midst of throwing together a princesses pizza party in the park to mark the occasion and scrambling around town to every toy retailer trying to find the very specific Polly Pocket set that she has so fervently and repeatedly requested.

Her birthday dinner menu has been firmed up. Chicken. Rice. And Broccoli. But not chicken with sauce, or onions, or crust. Ew.

In addition to the Polly Pocket stuff, I've pulled together a little "spa" basket for her with all the pink and purple pampering items I could find that were appropriate for a kindergartener. Including fuzzy purple spa socks.

I even bought her a special new outfit and a little ribbon to wear to school on her birthday that says "It's my 6th Birthday!"

In short, all of our attention in the last two weeks or so has been focused on the date of my little girl's birth. March 9th.

Imagine my surprise then when I picked Elizabeth up from school yesterday and she strolled out of her classroom wearing a giant birthday crown on her head.

"Why are you wearing a crown? It's not your birthday," I said.
She shrugged.

Her teacher said, "It's not her birthday? I must have written it down wrong!"

Whoops!
Apparently, 4s and 9s look more similar than any of us could have possibly anticipated.

"Did the kids sing Happy Birthday to you?" I asked Elizabeth as we walked back to the car.

"Uh huh! We did it at circle time," she said.

"Honey, why didn't you tell your teacher that it is NOT your birthday today?"

"I dunno," she said.

Sigh.

I guess we just call that one a practice run and go on with our celebration on her ACTUAL birthday.
I wonder if they'll sing to her again or if that's just too much. I feel bad for her! Now her real birthday is gonna be a real drag!

Riddle Me This

2010-02-23T08:27:00.000-08:00

Last night, like every other night, Ben went to bed with his sippy cup.
First, DON'T START the "he's gonna get cavities from drinking milk in bed" lecture on me. If he DOESN'T go to bed with a sippy cup, he doesn't go to sleep he just lies there and wails. I think it's significantly worse to have a horribly sleep-deprived child (and mother) than to possibly incur cavities in teeth that we are planning on losing in three to five years anyway.
Moving on...

Last night, like every other night, Ben went to bed with his sippy cup full of Pepsi. I kid. It was full of milk.

Because he is MY child, he is emminently picky and will not settle for anything less than what he really and truly NEEDS. Also like me, "want" is not a real word. If something is desired, it is neeeeeded. With all those e's. Deep down in the blood NEEEEEEDED.

Benny hates the sippy cups with the one-piece solid plastic lids. He NEEEEEDS a sippy cup with the silicone lid insert, aka, the sippy nipple. I think it's because he likes to chew on the nipple as evidenced by the numerous sippy nipples that have had to go to their great reward with giant gaping holes chewed into the sides of them. But that compulsion is a matter for his future wife and therapist to work on. Moving on...

Last night, like every other night, Ben went to bed with his slightly less chewed than the others sippy cup full of milk. He fell asleep quickly. Smiles abounded in the kingdom.

This morning he woke up unusually late and with an unusual cry of alarm. It is far more typical for him to wake up early and blabber to himself in the darkness for a half hour before winding up the screeching.
When he began this particular day with an immediate call to arms, I knew something was off. Would it be a bed full of puke? Been there done that. Would it be a diaper overflowing with baby poo? Puhlease, I'm not even scared! Would it be a giant invisible monster with a forked tongue? More likely a Goomba toy and he already knows how to fend one of those off.
Besides, why would I waste alllll that time on his sippy cup preferences if he was merely scared of the dark?

In reality, it was none of those things.
I reached his room while he was breaking forth with a new and more urgent keening.

I peered into his crib (yes crib) expecting the worst -- one of the above scenarios or perhaps something new and horrifying that I have yet to experience.

But he was just sitting there in his crib. Not covered in puke. Not oozing with crap. Not bloodied from battle with imaginary forces. Hmm.

He handed me a plastic ring.

It was the ring that usually holds his beloved sippy nipple.
There was no nipple.

I took a closer look into the crib.

Benny was holding the cup portion of the cup. It was half full of milk. There was no lid on it. At all.

I took the cup away. I checked the baby for signs of being covered in spilled milk. None.
The crib sheets were also dry. Perplexing.

I changed Ben and brought him and his mysteriously opened sippy cup downstairs.
Cereal was poured. I gave Ben a fresh sippy cup of milk, making sure it was shut all the way.

While he munched his breakfast, I took the mysterious sippy cup to the sink and emptied the milk down the drain. As the milk poured out I could feel an unusual heaviness inside the cup. I looked inside, expecting to find some sort of congealed milk product. Nothing new there.
To my surprise, instead of some new form of cheese I found the missing sippy nipple.

Apparently, he had pushed the nipple INTO the cup at some point then unscrewed the cap.

Don't ask me how he did it. Don't ask me how he did it without tipping the cup over and spilling milk all over his bed.
Obviously, he's some sort of wizard.

Dips

2010-02-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Scene:
Yesterday afternoon
Kids and Bob were playing outside
Mom and I were playing cards at the kitchen table.

Dylan runs in...

Dylan: I want something to eat!
Mom: I'll cut you up some apples.
Me: Dylan, do you want caramel dip with that?
Dylan: (getting into the fridge) Where IS the dip?
Me: All the dips are outside.
Dylan: (after a long pause) Well, ONE of the dips is inside!

Finally!

2010-02-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

The stars aligned!!

A couple weeks ago Bob got a call from his buddy back in Arizona that they were ramping up for another power plant overhaul and they needed him for the job!
Yay!

Of course, this means that he will have to go BACK to Arizona for the job. Boo.
But it's only for 4-6 weeks. Yay!
Still, I'll miss him, especially when I'm loading up the boys into the car in the afternoons to go pick up their sister from school. Or at bedtime or bathtime or mealtime when I'll have no help wrangling all three of them. Or anytime I have to run a quick errand and end up having to take my entourage along, extending a five minute task into a half hour escapade.

However, beggars cannot be choosers and the money from this job is good. Hopefully it will lead into an opportunity here in California so we can FINALLY get back on our feet in a place of our own.

In other news:

Benny freaking LOVES the ocean! We went to the Channel Islands beach park and Ben practically threw himself into the water. He also loves squirrels and would like to catch one with his bare hands.

I'm thinking of getting Dylan back into a preschool though he's completely against the idea in every way. He is violently disinterested in school, which is not to say that he's not smart, he just does not seem to enjoy structure. Naturally, that's EXACTLY why I think he needs to go back to school.

Whether there's weather or not.....

2010-02-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

I'm still not sure if I prefer the perma-sunny climes of Southern California or the four seasons of Show Low but I gotta say, I'm enjoying the ridiculously warm "winter" this week.

We went to the park.
We went to the beach.
We're hanging out in the yard, riding bikes, picking flowers, searching for four-leaf clovers.

I got a sunburn! In February!

Back in Arizona, there's snow on the ground. We'd be trapped at home or at least restricted to a minimal amount of outdoors time.

But even while I'm sweating and tanning in February, and sort of enjoying the novelty of it, I'm still pining away for the chilly winter air, the snow angels, seeing my breath in the air.

I miss having my freshly washed hair freeze into ice dreadlocks on the walk from the house to my car.
I even sort of miss having to de-ice my windshield.

Everytime I drive my car here in sunny SoCal, I look over and see my ice scraper and wonder if I'll ever use it again.

And sure, if I wanted or needed snow so terribly I could go to Big Bear or Frazier Park or even Tahoe. But it's not the same as making a giant snowman in your front yard or sledding at noon on a snow day or having an early morning snowball fight while the kids are still in PJs or breaking off the longest icicle on the house and tossing it onto the toasty hot wood stove and watching it sizzle and crackle and melt into steam.

Wearing a tank top outdoors in February just doesn't compare.

Scapegoat

2010-01-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

Poor Benjamin.
He's unable to defend himself against all the scurrilous accusations.

Whenever a mess has been made, "It was Benny!"
Whenever the dog food gets into the water bowl, "Benny did that!"
Whenever we find a trail of ranch dressing leading from the kitchen table to the bathroom and back, "I told Benny not to dip his feet in the ranch!"

Today he's been charged and convicted of check theft. Just like that. Blam! Law and Order, judged and sentenced.

It didn't even take the full hour.

Apparently my mom ordered her new checks in December and they supposedly arrived in December and were put away in a drawer in the office/computer lab/playroom/cartoon viewing station.

That particular drawer is a treasure trove to my little toddler. He enjoys opening it up and pulling out all manner of delights like an old camera case, paper clips, blank thank you cards and pens from the hair salon my mom frequents.

These items are then rearranged all over the house in attractive piles. It's sort of like guerrilla public art.

Now, I don't recall the checks arriving in the mail, nor have I seen a giant envelope of checks in that particular drawer when I return Ben's "installations" to storage.

Nevertheless, the checks are nowhere to be found and the poor child is the most likely suspect. Since his current vocabulary is limited he can't offer up an alternative scenario to explain this terrible crime, and thus he is guilty! Guilty!

Poor kid's not even 2 and he already has a rap sheet.

State of the Union 2010

2010-01-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

Just keep drinking, it's going to get worse.

The Importance of Being Rested

2010-01-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am NOT a morning person.
In the past I've been able to train myself to wake up early when necessary but if I'm left to my own devices I naturally will default to staying up too late and dreading the sunrise.

Of course, there have been times when my preference (or my tendency I suppose) just didn't matter one bit, for example high school. Classes started at 8 am or whatever, and I had to be there on time. That's not saying there weren't times I was late. I was also pretty ecstatic when we had to split time on one campus with our rival high school because of earthquake damage to our school and we got to go to school at lunchtime. Those were good times.

But I digress. I've held jobs that start WAY early, both the bakery AND summer camp started at 6 am. As did before school day care. But I've ALSO had jobs that required me to be up until the wee hours of the morning, mostly newspaper jobs. I learned to deal with either scenario.

Now that I have three kids, one of whom is in kindergarten in the morning, it is becoming readily apparent that I have to enter into a phase of time management restructuring, again.

Despite the fact that the nighttime is the right time for so many things (silence, solitude, great TV) I'm going to have to give all those things up in favor of an early bedtime so I can handle the early wake-up whisperings of my soon to be 6 year old telling me that her grandmother can't take her to school that morning and she has to leave, uh, like NOW!

Or alternatively, so I will have enough good quality sleep on my head when the (no longer really a baby) baby decides that he's topped out at 5 am and really WOULD like to get out of bed and eat waffles, uh, like NOW!

Or when the inevitable happens and my husband is finally able to find work and he and my mom are both out of the house by 7:30 am for work and SOMEONE has to get up to supervise the kids and the dog, lest there be another "incident".

Bottomline, Christmas vacation really spoiled me and having my mom here as a morning facilitator for Elizabeth has REALLY spoiled me and before I get too complacent (which inevitably will lead to the destruction of this carefully crafted system in which I wake up at 8:30 even though my kid starts school at 8 am) I have to become prepared to once again shoulder it all on my own.

It's a good thing that I've already stockpiled coffee.

Panic Can't Be Good For Your Heart

2010-01-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

Benny tried to fall down the stairs this morning...

He does this thing, like the other kids, where he gets onto his belly and slides down the stairs feet first. He only ever gets to do this after he wakes up from a nap because we put a gate in front of the stairs whenever he's awake so he can't climb up them and then try to fall down them.

But this morning...

I was up at the top of the stairs, Bob was downstairs. Benny was trying to slide down. Then he stopped mid-slide and tried to sit on the stairs....but his big giant head kept moving forward and he rolled down two steps before Bob raced up and caught him.

I screamed. Dylan ran into the bathroom and hid.

Just now, he tried to climb onto the TV cart and the whole thing started wiggling and of course I jumped up and grabbed him off of there and yelled at him for trying to tip the TV over onto himself. Why is he doing this?? This boy is giving me stress.

So that's how I started the day today.

In other news: Day Five without Facebook. I need to get a hold of somebody who I have no email address for and usually talk to over FB or Twitter. Both of which I can't log onto until Friday morning.
Sigh. I guess it can wait.

A Herculean Task of Self Restraint

2010-01-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

I am abstaining from Facebook for a week and it's already killing me.

Starting Jan. 1 at 9 am I voluntarily decided to not log into Facebook (or Twitter) at all until 9 am on Jan. 8. The reason why? John Mayer told me to.

Well, not only me specifically, not not even me SPECIFICALLY, but via his Twitter page a challenge was issued and seeing as how even the THOUGHT of giving up Facebook for a week sort of made me feel sick inside, I knew I had to do it.

It's been two days so far...already I'm getting the Facebook Shakes.
And already my commitment to this project has been challenged as a result of a mobile post that got lost in the ether on New Years Eve and ended up posting onto my Wall yesterday afternoon. I assure you, if you actually care, that I logged out on Friday morning and have NOT gone back.

On top of the personal satisfaction (and gobs of free time) I will enjoy during this week of Facebook abstinence, I have also entered into a bet with my dear friend. If I lose, I have to make her TWO dinners of her choosing. If I win she will buy me a celebratory bottle of wine, and a nice one at that.

But it's ultimately not about the bet, or the fancy wine, it's about proving to myself that I have willpower and that I can make a decision and stick to it. Considering that it's something so silly as a social networking site, you'd think it would be easy...but it's sort of not...

Don't believe it? Finish my week of non-Facebooking with me and see how hard it is for you. If you start now there's only four days, 21 hours and 46 minutes left.

My Children...Oh LORD Help Me

2009-12-15T16:54:00.002-08:00

The children must have realized that they stand to inherit nothing from their parents and thus have decided to eliminate us now while they are still young and cute and have a fair chance at being adopted by a rich family.

Case in point: This afternoon.

The first sign that the day would go badly was when Dylan had an "accident" At least he was already in the bathroom and his father was able to get him into the shower and avoid a total poo crisis. Bob threw the offensive undergarments outside into the backyard so as not to disgustify the entire house.

While Dylan was in the tub, Benny decided that HE TOO needed to get into the tub, so he did. And promptly had an "accident" of his own.

On a normal day, this would be the horrifying end of it. But not today.

The bathroom cleaned up, I left to pick up Elizabeth.
She decided to be such a terrible brat and disobey me the whole walk home. When she was not disobeying, she was sobbing. It was a fun 20 minutes.

We arrived home and Benny was upstairs in bed wailing. He was NOT going to sleep. So we let him out of the crib and prayed he wouldn't be TOO terrible.

Oh, I forgot, while we were out, the dog found the poopy underwear and ATE THEM...

OK...dogs are SICK.

Anyway...

Bob started on the dishes and I went upstairs to put away laundry.

Soon thereafter I looked out the window to see the dog had snatched the grease catcher off the bottom of the BBQ and was EATING ALL THE GREASE!

I ran downstairs, took it away from him and went back upstairs...Surely that would be the end of this terrible day...Back to folding...

THAT major fun was interuppted by the sound of crashing glass....which ultimately turned OUT to be Benjamin finding and smashing the Christmas mugs that were intended to be gifts for my mother's officemates. BAD. VERY BAD.

Those got cleaned up and I ran out to replace them leaving the children with Bob.

Unbeknownst to Bob, while I was gone, the children began to throw chunks of mud onto the top of the shed.

When I got home, replacement mugs in hand, I found the children outside, covered in mud AND the shed, also covered in mud.

Holy Mary, MOTHER OF GOD!

Dylan and Elizabeth were sent inside to clean up and go straight to bed. It was like 3:45 in the afternoon.

Benny stayed outside to be hosed off as he was head to toe mud and sand and wretched evil.

After that it's just a blur of all the kids screaming and fighting and slapping at each other until finally we separated all of them and eventually put the nap skipping baby to bed for the night, at 5 pm.

I'm currently one whiskey sour into what better damn well be a more relaxed evening. BETTER DAMN WELL.

Wrong place, right time?

2009-12-15T11:08:00.003-08:00

Yesterday we were on our way to my mom's office. We went through three stoplights, all of them turned yellow just as we approached.
By the third light I was pissed!
How is it that we were hitting every light at just the "wrong" time. How annoying!

Finally we got onto the freeway heading to the office.

"If we hit all yellows all the way there, I'm gonna flip out!" I said.

About two minutes later the traffic started slowing down...for an accident. An accident that had just happened maybe a minute beforehand. There was still smoke in the air and people had just started pulling off the road to try to help.

On the westbound side of the freeway (our side) there was a very smashed up PT Cruiser type car with a very scared looking guy inside. On the OTHER side of the concrete center divider in the eastbound lanes was a semi truck (just the cab) flipped completely upside down.

We're not sure which car went over the divide, but assuredly someone did.

Bob and I were both a little bit freaked out, and with the boys in the car we couldn't stop to help and risk them seeing bloody people. So I slowly navigated around the scene and continued on.

It wasn't a minute later that I realized that if we hadn't hit all those lights at the "wrong" times, we probably would have been right there when that accident actually happened. That smashed up car could have been OUR car.

I'll never curse a yellow light again.

Top Ten Lessons Learned While Living With My Mom....Again....

2009-12-14T22:12:00.002-08:00

10. Do NOT leave the garage light on. Ever.

9. Unless it's Sunday, get the mail.

8. If there is a lag in interesting programming on the television, be prepared to watch HGTV.

7. I really do suck at keeping up with laundry.

6. HOWEVER, I am a fantastic cook.

5. Sidewalk chalk is ONLY for the FRONT YARD sidewalk.

4. Thou shalt not run out of Cuties.

3. Grandmas like to give full tanks of gas as gifts.

2. If you use it every day you must clean the coffee maker every day or face the wrath.

And most importantly....

1. DO NOT attempt to do the NY Times Crossword reprint. It is NOT for you.

Moved to SoCal - The Update

2009-11-19T12:05:00.004-08:00

Apparently people ask my mother on a daily basis "How's it going with the kids?" because she makes sure to mention that she tells people everyday that things are going "fine" ... which is mom-speak for the house is still standing and noone has died yet.

She is right though, things are going fine. I approached this situation with trepidation, of course, but so far things have been just fine.

Despite the fact that in the first three days Benny broke a plate, Dylan broke a lamp and I broke a glass, things have been fine. Thank goodness noone has broken a mirror yet. Knock wood.

Mom is exceedingly happy to have been able to give up her terrible Cup-O-Soup dinner habit. I am very happy to cook every night and have someone ELSE wash the dishes. Fantastic!

The kids really love venturing out into the backyard pretty much whenever they feel the need. The yard is fully fenced and gated and totally secure unlike at the Arizona house where the yard was completely open, exceedingly large and totally open to strangers, bears, turkeys, deer, etc.

Elizabeth also just adores her new school. All the kids are super friendly, she's constantly greeting kids on the way into school and waving goodbye to new friends on the way out. It's very sweet. Her school is much closer to home now, we can walk there if we are so inclined and we have been a few times. She's also getting almost twice as many classroom hours here than she was back in Arizona, and she loves that too. Crazy kid. Loves learning. I'm truly blessed.

I am loving the shopping variety. I can actually check all the grocery mailers and find the best deals and save a ton of money on food that way, instead of getting packaged stuff at Walmart and fresh stuff at Safeway, end of story. Yes, I realize that my joy at a wider selection of grocery stores makes me A) old and B) lame and C) busted.
I'm fine with that. I get to shop at Trader Joe's, so it's all good.

We are hopeful that Bob will be able to get a job soon. There are a few opportunities we know about and he's applied for a few things and gotten in touch with the local union so...you know, we're staying positive.

All in all the arrangement is working out pretty well for us. The boys have their own room, which Benny sleeps in all night and Dylan really tries to sleep in all night. Elizabeth bunks with my mom and Bob and I have our own room. Downstairs the kids have a playroom with their own TV (for the horrible cartoons) and computers for their PBS Kids and Nick Jr. games. So they're totally happy.

I think the family member with the most joy in his heart is Sonny. He gets to lay outside in the sunshine all day, run around and play with the kids in the yard and not have to be on the tie-out at ALL anymore. He is in dog heaven.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm so happy that we'll all be together here. It will be different for me, I'm used to running the party back home, but I'm sure I'll get to do a lot of the cooking and frankly I use all my mom's recipes anyway so it will go over just fine.

I'm sure I just jinxed our harmony with this positive and upbeat post, but hey, I know you all wanted to know if we had killed each other yet...truth is, we haven't even come close.

And that's a good thing.

The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen

2009-11-06T11:17:00.002-08:00

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean dog shit off of mini blinds?

Let me back up.

This morning, unbeknownst to me, the dog took a crap in the house.
Also unbeknownst to me, the baby found said crap before anyone else did.
Benny apparently thought that the crap was a stinking pile of modeling clay or perhaps food since he smeared it all over his face, clothes, hands and feet and possibly ate some then proceeded to fingerpaint with it all over the room in which it was found.

I became aware of this activity after I smelled the lovely aroma of dog crap coming off of my child and saw that he was covered in said crap.

I thought that was bad enough. Then I found the crime scene.
Shredded piles of dog crap everywhere. Dog poo smeared on the wood floor, and in the cracks in between the boards.
Dog poo on the chairs, on the piano bench AND keys. Dog poo on the windows and on the aforementioned mini blinds.

First step was to clean the baby. I had Bob secure the crime scene to ensure no further contamination.
I put the baby in the tub and scrubbed the shit off of him. I even scrubbed inside his mouth, just in case.

As I handed the sparkly clean little shit disturber off to his dad he said... "Why did you let him do that?"

"Oh yeah! I LET him do that! I fucking watched him, I thought it was HILARIOUS! Shut up!" I said.

Bob dressed the baby, and I got down to business with the shit.

There I was on my hands and knees, spraying wood floor cleaner on poo smears and using almost a whole roll of paper towels to wipe it all up. I had a toothpick to clean the poo out of the grooves between the boards.

Cleaning poo off of a piano makes a really lovely song.

Then it was time for the mini blinds. Let me just tell you that scrubbing dried up dog poo off of mini blinds is not the MOST fun I've ever had.
The whole mini blind scrubbing procedure took about 45 minutes. I started with paper towels and spray cleaner and eventually moved up to Lysol wipes. Just when you think you've got it all cleaned, you flip over another blind and find MORE poo. It's a real treat.

I filled a whole grocery bag full of paper towels and Lysol wipes.

Then I took a freaking shower, because seriously I was elbow deep in poo for like an hour.

Literally, the worst thing I have ever seen.

It was bound to happen someday

2009-10-16T12:35:00.003-07:00

Elizabeth has not been feeling well these last few days. A sore throat, turned into fever, turned into some sort of croupy nightmare.

Last night she took a hot bath to alleviate all those symptoms.
Afterwards she wanted to change into totally different pajamas. I told her to forget it because I didn't want her rifling through the laundry baskets destroying the delicate order of the clothes just to change unnecessarily.

About a half hour later she tried to convince me to let her change again.

"Mom," she croaked. "There is a spot on my pajamas. I better change."

"No Liz," I said. "You will live with a tiny spot on your PJs. You do not need to change."

"Mom," she said in her 'OK here's the deal' voice.
She motioned to me "That is your body."
She motioned to herself "And THIS is my body. You're in charge of your body. And I am in charge of my body. So I can do whatever I want."

"No no no little girl," I said.
I pointed to her.
"That body's existence is SUBSIDIZED by this body," I pointed to myself. "and THAT body," I pointed to her father.
"So until you start paying rent, half the utilities, buying your own food and cooking it and driving yourself around town, WE are in charge of THAT little body and YOU will do what WE say you will do, not whatever you want to do. You got that?"

She shook her tiny head as if to say, "Oh mother, you really do not know anything" and tried to rekindle her opposition but I cut her off.

"You are NOT changing because there is a speck of a spot on your PJs. End of discussion."

And as that familiar phrase spilled from my lips, I became my mother.

So crazy, but such a good heart

2009-09-27T17:18:00.002-07:00

My husband's cousin Evan is preparing to go on a church mission to Ecuador. He is leaving for his language training in about a week or so.
Today was his farewell gathering. Bob had to work so I took the kids over to visit with him and see their aunt and uncle and all their cousins. Mormons=lots of cousins.

Another of Bob's cousins has two little girls, one around 3 the other maybe a few months older than Ben. Dylan of course zeroed in on the girls and only wanted to hang out with them. What can I say, he digs chicks.

At some point during the party, Dylan wandered over to me with a very sour look on his face. He explained to me that the girls had a penguin toy and he threw it into tall grass and now he couldn't find it and he had to find it for the girls.

I went to go help him find the penguin, but it was nowhere to be found.

I told him "Look, honey, I can't find that toy and the girls don't seem upset at all so I think it's going to be alright."

He sat down in the grass, hung his head in his hands and mumbled, "It's all my fault mom. It's all my fault."

"Honey, it's ok!" I tried to reassure him.

He just stood up, gave me a hug and said, "I just want to go home now."

Poor little lamb.

Eff You Nickelodeon!

2009-09-27T00:30:00.003-07:00

Not that we didn't already have plans for this afternoon, BUT I'm still annoyed with Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play

Not that it's not a good idea or a nice sentiment. But seriously.
My kids were split on the concept.

Once the announcement started running on Nick "Turn off your televisions..." etc.... my daughter turned to face me, got VERY serious and said "Mom, don't listen to him!"

And I probably would have been more alarmed by her reluctance to switch off the boob tube if she wasn't actually drawing a picture of butterflies while I was watching a documentary on Homer's "Odyssey"

Her brother, however, took the news very seriously.

As soon as the "Turn off your TV" annoucement started running, HE began running through the house admonishing us for watching TV and reminding us to put down our cell phones!

"We gotta turn off the TVs! ALL the TVs!!" he ran by yelling.

I appreciate the sentiment Nickelodeon, I really do, but isn't The Fresh Beat Band enough torture for one week?

My Budget Beauty Guide

2009-09-25T22:57:00.004-07:00

I've never been much of a girlie girl. I'd never even colored or curled my own hair until I got into college.

Now that I'm a mom of three, I'm still not much of a glamazon, though, I still would prefer to go out into the world looking nice.

Over the years I've settled on a pretty good beauty plan which is nearly effortless, affordable and makes even a busy mom look beautiful!

So here is my Budget Beauty Guide!
These are the products that I advise you to give a try as they have worked wonders for me!

Let's start in the shower....

I use Suave's Brilliant Brunette shampoo and conditioner. I've used the higher priced brands and found that I get the same shine and smoothness with Suave, at about a third of the price!

Twice or thrice a week I use the Equate (Walmart) brand of Fresh Mint Dandruff Shampoo instead of the Suave. It's cooling and invigorating and has the added scalp moisturizing benefits. I don't have dandruff, and maybe this is why...

To wash my face, I prefer either a handmade bar of tea-tree oil or Neem oil soap or Noxema's Blackhead Cleanser.

After the shower the first step is to moisturize.
For the face, I favor Aveeno's Positively Radiant Triple Boosting Serum followed by Aveeno's Ultra Calming Daily Moisturizer.
Though at the point of sale both of those products seem pricey (at $10+ each) I promise you they are worth it in the long run. If you use them as per instructions they last a long time. I've had my bottles for almost six months and they are still going strong. I think $30 a year isn't much to pay for radiant skin!

Other basic products I use and recommend:

Vermonts' Original Bag Balm -- excellent for dry lips, elbows and heels

L'Occitane Mom and Baby Balm -- very mild in smell, excellent for sensitive skin

Colgate Special White Baking Soda and Peroxide Mint Zing Paste - always Paste, never gel...ew.

Dove Antiperspirant and Deodorant -- in Original Clean scent. Works great and helps reduce razor burn.

Onto cosmetics....

I have recently become a major fan of E.L.F.. Almost everything is $1 and everything that I've tried has been fantastic.
My favorites:

All Over Color/Cover Stick: I have it in Medium (a foundation color) and in Toasted and Pink Lemonade (both shimmery eyeshadow, cheek and/or lip shades).

The Cover Stick is fantastic. Creamy, moisturizing and light. It evens out my skin tone without feeling heavy
I also rather enjoy the E.L.F. line of cream eyeshadows. Lots of color variety! And almost everything is just $1. Great product, great value.

Another big winner in the E.L.F. family is the Plumping Lip Glaze. One side is a natural clear plumping glaze and the other is a gorgeous lip-enhancing color.

Next on my list of must have brands is Rimmel. Affordable and great quality makeup.

Among my faves is the new!
Recover - Anti Fatigue Concealer. It's made specifically for the area around your eyes and is made to combat bags, sags, circles and darkness.
And it works!

Another fantastic Rimmel product is the Hide the Blemish concealer. It's like a tube of lipstick but instead of making your pout perfect it erases, literally erases, blemishes, spots, discolorations.....just vanishes them.

To finish off the look I've become fond of Rimmel's Lasting Finish Mineral Powder Foundation. It's very light, yet provides great coverage and helps even out skin tone.

To finish off the look, I go to an old standby, Jane Cosmetics.

For a stubborn blemish or a persistent red patch:
Jane's BePure Mineral Correcting Concealer (in Green) is GREAT for minimizing blemishes or red spots.

My mascara:
I used to be a CoverGirl devotee...but then I found Jane's MaxLash2.
One side of the tube is a white eyelash primer, meant to condition, lengthen and moisturize lashes, the other side is a thickening eyelash mascara in five different colors, I use "Black".

Other great Eyeshadows: Along with all the Rimmel cream shadows I've also become a fan of Wet N'Wild's cream eyeshadow multipacks. Not only do you get FOUR radiant, shimmery shades of eyeshadow, but you also get one shade of Illuminator for use at brows on cheeks or wherever you need a boost of color and shine.

So those are my budget recommendations for beauty. I hope you can benefit from my experience!

What Would You Do For Some Pudding in the Morning?

2009-09-25T10:32:00.004-07:00

This morning Dylan politely requested that he be allowed to eat pudding for breakfast.

"Moooooooooooom!" he yelled from across the house. "I. WANT. PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You are crazy! It's 9:30 in the morning!" I said.

Ten minutes later.

"Mooooom! I SAID! I. WANT. PUDDING!!!" he yelled again.

"Yeah, well, I want fifty bucks." I said.

"Ok!"

He jumped off the couch and ran by me into the kitchen where he grabbed the step stool.

"I have to get the stepping stone to get mommy fifty bucks so I can haaave pudddding!!!!" he sang out to noone in particular.

I chuckled.

He went into my bedroom.

"There's money in daddy's room!" he yelled out, again, to noone specific.

He pilfered a handful of change from Bob's dresser and returned to me, not with $50 but rather a quarter and two pennies.

"That's 27 cents. That's not fifty bucks," I said.

"Oh, OK!" he grabbed the coins and ran back to The Bank of Daddy's Change.

He returned again, this time, two quarters, three pennies.

"Closer, but nope. Not fifty bucks yet," I said.

"OK!" he was getting annoyed now.

He left and returned again, this time he only had the pennies.

"No dude. You're not getting it. Get the big silver ones," I said.

"OK!!"

He left again and returned a few minutes later with four quarters, stacked neatly.

"Here you go mom. Big silver ones. Fifty bucks."

What can I say, I gave the kid a pudding.

2009-09-19T10:22:00.001-07:00

Some Funny Vignettes

2009-09-19T09:17:00.003-07:00

Because my life as of late has been largely consumed with packing, taping, folding, sorting, trashing and cleaning....I present for you here a collection of the hilarious things that have happened this week:

------

The kids have started using what they call "Good Noodle" charts. Basically a list of chores or activities that they can earn star stickers for every day. Each sticker is worth 25 cents toward the purchase of a toy. They are each working toward a specific toy.
One of Dylan's items is "Get a good report from school" since he's had some issues in that area.
When we pick him up from school we ask the teacher thumbs up or down. Then we ask Dylan in the car on the way home. One day this week his teacher gave him a good report, said he listened well and is improving but that he tends to be overzealous in giving the kids hugs. Which I think is a cute problem to have. In the car, I asked Dylan how his day was, his reply...

"I didn't even kick anyone!"

------

Last night we were watching The Weather Channel to see if we'd be getting rain this weekend or not. We're not, incidentally.

When we clicked over they were showing the forecast for the southern states. All rain, just rain everywhere.
Dylan bolted upright on the couch and said "That's way too much raining! There's rain everywhere! That's too much rain."

-------

My kids love to dance, particularly they love to dance to the NCIS theme song. Don't ask me why, they just love it.
The other day I was watching one of those daily NCIS marathons, where they play like three episodes in a row. So every hour on the hour I would jack up the TV volume and the theme song would start playing and Dylan and Elizabeth would come running in from wherever they were and start dancing to the techno beat.
Then about 30 seconds later just barely over the top of the couch I'd see this other little head running in from another room, it was BENNY!
He'd join the other kids, with a big smile on his face, and HE'D start dancing too!
So funny. I'll have to tape it sometime!

BB11: Yay Jordan!

2009-09-16T23:13:00.001-07:00

I'm ridiculously so happy that Jordan won the big money!
Here's hoping that she and Jeff can take the money and run and have a wonderful life together!

Click here for great interview videos.

Packing sucks!

2009-09-16T13:29:00.003-07:00

We are listing the house for sale and therefore was are clearing out all of our clutter and junk so it is presentable for potential buyers.

This is not easy. This is not fun.

I had a kick ass day of cleaning and packing and boxing up my life yesterday. Today, eh, not so much.
I'm burnt out!!

Today's mission is to get my bedroom and closet presentable for strangers to traipse through. NOT AN EASY TASK!

This will involve folding 800 piles of laundry, actually MAKING the bed every day and cleaning...my GOD the cleaning!

My first step is to go through my closet and bag up and donate ALL the clothes that I am seriously never EVER going to wear again.
This should be a doozy.

Then I will fold ALL of the laundry in the known universe AND put it all away where it belongs...that second step really is the key.

After that is all finished I'll make the bed with MATCHING pillowcases instead of what I usually do, which is whatever I grab goes on the bed!
Then vacuum vacuum vacuum. Voila!

Now, if I could just get myself away from the computer, which is much more fun than cleaning.....hmmmm, if only.

Mixed Emotions

2009-09-08T10:00:00.003-07:00

As we are getting ready to embark on this new adventure in our lives, I've been experiencing a flood of emotions. Happiness, sadness, relief, stress, excitement, trepidation...you name it, I've felt it.

Yesterday I took a walk around my neighborhood...which in our rural area was really more of a hike. Walking through the area made me remember why we decided to move to Arizona in the first place. The smell of the pine trees on a hot day, the big blue skies, the wide open spaces. These are all things I'll definitely miss.

Today I had to take the kids to a dentist appointment. A 40 minute long cleaning appointment. It took me a half hour to get there and a half hour to get back home. It took more time just getting there and back than the length of the actual appointment. THAT I will not miss. I will not miss rutted country roads and a 15 minute drive to the grocery store or six months of snowy driving.

I'm upset that even though we were planning to make this move anyway, now we're being rushed. I'm upset that there's a clock ticking on selling the house and if we can't do it, we'll get a black mark on our credit...to join all the others....

I'm upset that we'll have to pull the kids out of school, just as they were getting settled, and move them to another state. Even though I know kids adapt easily, it's really not a theory I was interested in testing right now.

And at the same time I realize that this move will offer the kids more opportunities to do, experience and learn. My mom has already talked about getting the kids signed up for classes and sports and activities. We'll be within walking distance of my childhood park, the library, the movie theatre and perhaps most importantly Ben & Jerry's!

The summer weeks that we spend in Simi are always some of the happiest times of our year. Not ONLY because of my mom's pool either! The kids get to get out of the house, out of our isolated neighborhood and do the normal childhood things like ride bikes in the driveway and walk to the park.

While I'm really sad that it's all coming down this way, I'm also glad that we do have some place to go from here. A nicer place, a better place.

A moment of hilarity

2009-09-05T20:12:00.002-07:00

Elizabeth fell off of the couch and banged her side into the coffee table.
I checked her out and she seemed fine to me but she was still wailing like she'd been stabbed.

"Go get a cold pack out of the freezer," I told her.

"Can't you get it for me?????" she wailed.

"Honey, just use the step stool," I said.

"I caaaan't! I have too much back pain!" she retorted.

I can't wait for the teen years.

I told you it was bad!

2009-09-05T07:15:00.002-07:00

We are moving.
Officially and totally.
Mooooving.

We have to try to sell our house in the next three months or it will be auctioned.
I don't know exactly when we'll pack up and head out, but it probably won't be very long.
So if you or anyone you know wants to buy a house in tbe beautiful White Mountains of Arizona, very cheap, let me know!

Birthday Present

2009-09-02T08:47:00.003-07:00

Sort of...

Yesterday was my birthday and for my birthday I got $20 from my husband, two really cool books from my father in law, $31 from my mom. Elizabeth drew me two heart pictures and I also got a birthday cake.

Oh, and a dog.

We adopted Sonny from Bob's friend who can't keep him at his place anymore.
So far, he's working out fine. But then again, it's only been one day. :)

When Desperation Leads to Drastic Action

2009-08-27T09:07:00.003-07:00

Guys, I'm not gonna kid you, times are freaking tough.
Our cash flow is majorly screwed up. We've got more supposed to be going out than is coming in.

More and more it's looking like Bob is going to have to leave the state to work, whether it's with a power plant overhaul or moving out to California now to get a job while I stay back and get the house ready to sell.

Jobs are just drying up out here and we're struggling. I'm afraid the water is about to get shut off next week and I'm hoping that somehow Bob will get the money together to pay the bill before that happens.
What a birthday present eh?

Not to beg, but if you ever wanted to buy anything from me, now is the time.
I've got lots of inventory and need to sell everything I've got!
Click Here

Or you can just give me your money :)
Click over there ==>

Hi, worst mom ever here!

2009-08-20T11:19:00.002-07:00

I totally forgot to take pictures of Dylan on his first day of school yesterday.

What a bitch!

Live your life Off the Wall

2009-08-20T01:20:00.003-07:00

I've always been obsessed with music. From a very young age my brother and I were listening to our parents LPs (yes, that's vinyl) and jamming out to Disco Duck and the Beatles and Iron Butterfly and Santana.

PS: Were my parents cool or what?

Anyway....
I kept on this path all my life.
As a kid, my mom played the oldies radio station 24/7 in her gigantic beige Buick Regal as we cruised around town.

When I was young and fresh we'd listen to the radio and tapes and CDs while we were hanging out at friends houses, before school, at the pool and driving around town. I'd go to live concerts. I'd tape songs off the radio. I'd get together with friends JUST to listen to a CD. Or we'd go to the teen music club in town, the short-lived and poorly named Vampire Lounge.

Through college whatever boyfriend I had would introduce me to a new genre of music or a new artist. I went to TONS of concerts in all genres. My friends and I would listen to any music as long as we were having a good time.

And now I'm always either listening to music or singing something or dancing along to the "Ice cream and cake" commercial.

As I got older I got comfortable enough to get into Karaoke. Which just added to my musical obsession by causing me to seek out awesome karaoke songs to sing.

Despite all this history with music, what got me acutely attuned to the fact that music is my life blood was something that happened just this morning.

I was organizing my bathroom cabinets and I shut the cabinet door sort of hard. Instantly my mind was playing a song....

"Off the Wall" by Michael Jackson.

As I soundlessly grooved to the music in my mind I realized why THAT song appeared to me...the sound of the cabinet slam was almost identical to the sound of the drum in that song....

Which is sort of funny, sort of cool, sort of weird.....and really says a lot about me....

I must accept for now and forever more that most of my life will be defined by a song....whether I like it or not.

And really, it's just fine by me....

You gotta let that fool loose deep inside your soul...

Yikes!

2009-08-19T10:01:00.002-07:00

Last night I was watching Big Brother and working out and I hear shrieking coming from the other side of the house.
I'm not IMMEDIATELY alarmed because it was just ONE kid shrieking and let's face it, screaming bloody murder is pretty commonplace around here. Very rarely is there actually some sort of bloody murder situation going on. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf, I have the kids who scream like they are on fire when the actual "emergency" is that one or another sibling has looked at the toy they have or has thought about looking at that toy or is awake and breathing.

But I digress.
I continued to work out and Bob got up to assess the situation.

The kids were in the toy room. Elizabeth was yelling.

"I saw something climbing on the curtain in the corner of my eye!"

"Was it a bug?" Bob asked. We're currently being invaded by bugs.

"NO! It was bigger! Like a mouse!"

Bob immediately starts hunting down the mouse, finds nothing. Asks Elizabeth, "are you SURE?"

"Maybe it was just my imagination."

Bob tells her if she sees it again to let him know, normalcy returns.

Ten minutes later I hear a chorus of screaming, both Elizabeth and Dylan.

"It WAS a mouse. There it IS!! Daaaaaaaaaaddy! A mouse!!! A MOUSE!!!"

Bob runs back in there. Overturns EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF FURNITURE in the room. Tosses EVERY SINGLE TOY in the room around. Finally finds and stomps the mouse.

Bob: 147 Mice: 0

As he removes the body, Bob proceeds to lecture the children that if their toy room wasn't such an ungodly mess he would have found the mouse much sooner and not had to completely dismantle the room to do so.
This seems to make sense to the traumatized children who were then told that they would have to clean up the mess tomorrow (meaning today).

Uh yeah. Guess who is ACTUALLY going to be cleaning up the mess....

BB 11: Holy Crap!!!

2009-08-15T19:22:00.005-07:00

Wow! A LOT has happened since the live show on Thursday...

To recap: Jeff used the Coup d'Etat, replaced the nominations with Jessie and Natalie. Jessie was evicted. Michele won HoH. Chima, Natalie and Lydia began to freak the hell out.

OK. Well, apparently the three witches started monkeying with other houseguests' belongings, tearing up beds, throwing clothes all over the house, etc.

THAT got much worse last night when Chima decided it was time to REALLY freak the hell out and threw her mic into the hot tub.
After some intervention from Big Brother, and Chima continuing to be well, Chima, she was called to the diary room and evicted by production.
I think the LAST person to get evicted by production was Scott in BB4 who had a flip-out incident...and before that BB2 when Justin put a knife to the throat of another castmember, supposedly in "jest" hilarious.

I don't think BB has removed anyone else though...so whatever Chima did must have been pretty dang outrageous.

OK, so this being a planned double eviction week anyway, BB producers just moved all the events up five days after Chima's ouster.

They held an HoH competition today and now there is a new HoH with the new nominations coming tonight or tomorrow.
I cannot WAIT for the show tomorrow. It is going to be AWESOME!!!

Oh and for those who can't wait to know, click the picture to see the new HoH.

Smart Car?

2009-08-14T00:36:00.005-07:00

You've probably seen these things driving around your town lately. I first noticed them while visiting my mom in Southern California and thought...."what will these crazy fruitcake nutjobs think of NEXT?"

Then I came home...

I live in a fairly rural and definitely isolated area....and these dang Smart Cars are like cockroaches here too!

Granted, I'd bet good money that EVERY SINGLE PERSON driving a Smart Car in the White Mountains of Arizona doesn't actually live here year round. I mean, that dang car looks like three inches of snow would topple it right over! Not to mention the danger of slamming your car into any sort of animal on the highway...dude....it happens! We had an elk hit by a freaking PLANE not too long ago....the wildlife here is nuts.

Anyway.
The kids and I were at Safeway and a couple driving a ForTwo parked next to us. The kids were fascinated. I mean, the damn thing is so tiny, it looks like a flipping toy!

The couple walked by and the man asked the kids "hey, do you like that little car?"
And the kids, perhaps sensing the freakazoidalness of the person asking the question, clammed up like, well, clams.

For the sake of decorum I said, "They LOVE it!" but what I wanted to say was "Jesus Christ how do you FIT INTO THAT THING? And aren't you afraid of crashing?"

I mean, yes, it's tiny and fuel efficient and environmentally friendly and whatever....but I don't care WHAT your safety reports say....if that Smart Car gets hit by an SUV...its sardines time.

Kindergarten is Looming

2009-08-07T09:53:00.003-07:00

Next Wednesday is Elizabeth's kindergarten orientation. Real School! Yipes!

This morning she was sitting next to me on the couch while I drank my coffee and she turned to me and said "Mom, are you gonna be happy about me going to kindergarten?"

"Yes! Of course. You're a big girl now!"

"Yep. I just get bigger and bigger. Are you gonna be happy about my next birthday?"

"Yes, you're going to be six years old!"

"Yeah, I can never stop growing!"

Then she tried to make me do yoga with her out of her "My Daddy is Pretzel" book, but she couldn't find the book. Whew!

No yoga for me until I've had at least two cups of coffee!

BB 11: Week Four Elimination Tonight!

2009-08-06T13:14:00.005-07:00

Previously on Big Brother 11:
Russell won HoH and nominated Crazy Lydia and Darth Ronnie for eviction. Michele won the Power of Veto and declined to save either nominee. Who will be evicted tonight?

I gotta hope that Ronnie is the one to go tonight. He's annoying and useless. For a "smart" guy, he sure is dumb.

I wonder who will win the Coup d'etat? My money is on Jeff. He seems to be the most popular player in the house right now. I hope he does win it because that will mean that he and Jordan will be safe not only this week, but next week as well. Yay!

Apparently Chima and Russell have had a falling out. He accused her of trying to put the moves on him and claimed he was not down with it. So she got embarrassed and called him a liar. Whoops. Also being accused of lying is Michele. Huh? Where did that come from? She's been laying so low the first four weeks, now all of a sudden Natalie and Jessie are attacking her...

Well, she did just win two POVs back to back. I think the target on her back just got much bigger. She better cement up her alliance with Russell and Jeff/Jordan which might proof difficult...

Russell's HoH blog published with this very odd sentiment "Now on to Ronnie! I have been completely wrong about this kid....he is a nice guy and took a lot of heat from myself and I do owe him an apology. It turns out in fact he was not the Rat.....That title belongs to the Rat Queen herself, Michelle."
I hope they will air something tonight that will show us why Russell has totally flipped on wanting Ronnie out.

And in other things they probably won't show us...continuing Lydia's craziness...she not only sneaks into bed with Jessie at night to watch him sleep (dude should NOT have hit that) she also threatened to cut herself and was told by production that she would self-evict if she did. Meaning her game would end. Then she went and told Jessie that she wanted to cut herself BECAUSE OF HIM. Greaaaat. And she and Kevin have also had a falling out too...ugh.

Here's hoping they have an excellent psychologist hidden in the walls.

Whichever nominee goes this week, it will be A-OK with me, though I prefer to see Ronnie's pudgy ass out the door. Though, who knows how much longer Crazy Lydia can hold it together....yikes.

Turning a New Leaf

2009-07-31T00:42:00.003-07:00

As I'm coming to the end of this mega-vacation from my everyday reality, I've been thinking a lot about what lies ahead for me.

Going home, but to what? To my loving husband and my home and my insane cats, yes. But also to a place where I've gotten into some very bad habits, things that need changing.

I've already sort of turned on the switch in my brain that says, enough is enough! There's already been a perceptible shift in my way of thinking about some aspects of my life, things I have seen myself failing at that I know I can change. I have a certain degree of confidence that I can keep the momentum going as I leave vacationland and return to The Real World.

It's just a month now (about) until I turn 31, egad, and I'm nowhere near where I planned to be by this point in my life. So many plans I've let wither on the vine. So much energy I've expended on all the wrong things.

No matter, a journey of a thousand miles and all that...
I've already taken my first steps and I plan to keep taking all the steps left between where I am, and where I want and need to be. Basically I'm walking toward a happier, healthier, less stressed, more fulfilled version of myself.

It took me 31 years to get here, so I don't expect to turn it all around in a few weeks, but great achievement doesn't come without great sacrifice and great toil and I'm absolutely up to the task.

BB 11: What the hell Jessie?

2009-07-29T09:31:00.004-07:00

I get that you wanted to backdoor your target, and I get why. It's the only way to ensure their ouster. But Casey? Seriously?
Now the house is gonna rally against you Jessie. You needed to put Ronnie up. I don't care WHAT your team is telling you, nobody WANTS to play with Ronnie.
Whether Jordan or Casey gets the boot tomorrow night, Jeff is coming for you now. And I hate to break this to you Jessie, but Jeff is smarter than you...and waaay hotter. And now that you've put Casey up, you better hope HE'S the one booted, because if Casey stays now....dude.
So, oops Eraserhead, methinks you made a mistake.
And showmancing then dumping Lydia...yeah, not smart. If Casey stays, THAT team will solidify against you and take Jeff into their ranks. Kevin already thinks you're an idiot. If Jordan stays, she and Jeff will join up with the remaining offbeats and probably Michele too. Then they will start throwing competitions so Jeff/Athlete clique doesn't win. At least, that's what I would do. Keep Jeff in there playing for HoH just long enough to bounce all you other athlete fools out of contention, then lose on purpose. That way, you aren't safe Jessie. Get it?

I hope that is how it goes down. Michele and Jeff have shown they are both capable of winning a competition. Casey is no slouch either. I'd be sad to see Jordan go, but that might be the best way to finally get rid of the head of the snake.

Davis!

2009-07-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Steps! We've got steps!!

2009-07-19T08:05:00.003-07:00

He only did it twice, but BENNY TOTALLY WALKED!

I was telling my mom how someone had told me that their baby started walking while holding onto clothespins and we decided to try that with Benny.
But we didn't have clothespins. We DID have Ice Age 3 Pez dispensers. Manny.

Clutching the candy conveyance in either chubby fist Benny stood in one place, sort of swaying a bit. Then just like magic, he took off! He stepped seven times into my mom's arms.

My eyes teared up. We cheered! The other kids came running to see what had happened, no doubt wishing it was the Kool-Aid man crashing through the wall with a candy pinata and dollar bills.

It wasn't. But they were totally excited to learn that Benny had walked.

Mom stood him up again, gave him the Mannys and he took seven steps to me! Yay!

I scooped him up and let the tears fall.

My baby!

He hasn't walked since then, so maybe it was just a fluke, but it's happening!!

Big Brother 11 - Wow I'm old!

2009-07-14T23:09:00.004-07:00

First, I can't believe this is the 11th season (seasonette) of this show. I still remember BB1, it was on six nights a week. It was awesome.

Anyway...BB11...

I missed the inaugural episode because I was too busy jamming down on Rock Band at Club Fig with Chantal and Melissa...yo, real life interfered! Sucka!

But I did catch the last two episodes and here's my take so far...

EVERYONE! Stop trying so hard to maneuver and be slick and take over the game and run the house and be the man/WOman and run the table and all that crap...

The first week should be a chill week. The most obnoxious, annoying, overplaying/useless/incompetent person should be voted out. It's a gimme week. Week one you lay low, you act nicely to everyone, you skate by.....

So on the block initially were Lydia and Chima. Lydia being the bleach blonde punk Offbeat and Chima the over-confident, self-proclaimed DIIIIVA brain -- who incidentally was ready to quit after the first competition.

Tonight the POV removed Lydia from the nomination chairs and replaced her with Braden, the Zoolander-esque man-child.

Supposedly Chima is up as a pawn. But you know how that goes.
And even despite the last minute plan to back door Braden, I think Chima will get the boot this week.

I bet that Chima is eliminated.

Swim Kids!

2009-07-14T10:57:00.002-07:00

Let us IN!

Elizabeth swimming in the big pool

Dylan swimming in the little pool

Apres Swim - a little Spongebob

Semi Celeb Sighting!

2009-07-11T20:16:00.003-07:00

You gotta love SoCal.

So we went to Jons on Cochran where all the best and cheapest produce in Simi can be found.
As we're walking in, this girl walks by me pushing a cart, and I'm like, I know that girl. Did I go to high school with that girl?

Where do I know that girl from????!

And then it hits me.
Fucking MTV.

It was Veronica from Road Rules.
Dang.
Even the semi-famous are famous!

Fourth of July Weekend.....

2009-07-06T20:51:00.003-07:00

Posting quickly before I fully immerse myself in the wonder that is my mom's digital cable package....ahhhhh. Movies on Demand! I love YOU the best!

We drove up caravan style from Show Low to Hatch. 384 miles.
Stopped for breakfast. Stopped for gasoline. Stopped to eat. Stopped to pee.

Note to my friends: NEVER EVER buy off-brand beef jerky at a third-rate convenience store on an indian reservation. You will puke. Or at least, you will want to.
Despite the attractive 99 cent price, Tom's beef jerky - or whatever made up brand it was - did not cut the mustard, as they say.

You get the drift. We stopped in Page, Arizona to shop for essential supplies before crossing over into Utah. Chips, pretzels and above all else SODA! Apparently, this is very important to my husband.

We finally get to our destination. Fun times ensue.
There was a Fourth of July omelette breakfast. Fourth of July candy parade. Fourth of July carnival (at which Dylan won a race as he was the fastest three year old in attendance!). Fourth of July Potluck dinner and finally the moment we were all waiting for....the fireworks!!!

There were THREE fireworks shows within our view, and we also ~~totally did not~~ set off our own fireworks ~~as that would be illegal~~. It was lots of fun!

Sunday was spent lounging around, enjoying the weather and sights.
We had burgers for dinner on the front porch. Very nice.

That night, we ~~certainly did not~~ let off more fireworks along the highway.
Much fun.

This morning we woke up, cleaned, packed up and we took off for California!
From Hatch, Utah to Simi Valley = 522 miles...IF you take the RIGHT exit off the 15 in Barstow and not the WRONG exit and end up at Edwards AFB. Whoops!
My accidental trip through the high desert added 26 miles to the drive, but with such fun towns to drive through as Hinkley, famous as the town poisoned by PG&E from "Erin Brockovich" and the aptly named Boron...who notices!!

We FINALLY made it here! Yay!
We had spaghetti dinner and are now relaxing.
Aaaahhhhh.
Vacation!

I come from a family of crazies

2009-06-30T16:51:00.003-07:00

This is so nutsy, I don't even know where to begin.

OK, my mom makes fantastic spaghetti sauce. Fan-fricking-tastic. We never had a jar of Ragu in our house growing up. Anathema.

When I got married, she gave me the recipe. Other than telling you how many cans of tomatoes to put in, there are no amounts. Just a list of ingredients and what order to add them to the pot, basically.

I mean literally, it says "add salt and pepper and spices". No measurements whatsoever. This is because my mom doesn't measure when she makes it, and frankly neither do I. I put in the spices until it looks right. It's hard to convey that via recipe though!

Anyway. Last night/this morning I made a huge batch of sauce. Some friends asked me for the recipe so I put it on my recipe blog then posted a link on my Facebook account.

Well, I tell you, my brother freaked out. He demanded I remove the recipe, called me a traitor to the family and defriended me. In that order.
I laughed my ass off.

Seriously. Tomatoes, onion, garlic....these are secret ingredients?

I tried to joke with him about it but he was totally serious. I think he needs Prozac.

After I laughed for awhile, I called my mom so she could laugh too.

I barely even got the words, "So I put the recipe on my blog..." out of my mouth and I heard this audible gasp.

"You ARE a traitor!" she said.

I laughed even harder than before.
"Mom seriously! You're not mad! What's the secret...oh shhh don't look, there's TOMATOES in the recipe. Ooooh."

She laughed, I think, and then in all seriousness said "Well you better not put my cheesecake recipe online! That's a secret!"

"Mom!" I said. "You got that from our neighbor!"

"Yes I did. I got it, and now it's mine, and it's top secret."

Loons. Every one of them.

Next recipe I post...mom's SECRET recipe for Grilled Cheese. Hint: There's cheese in it.

Is this the only thing?

2009-06-28T19:32:00.003-07:00

So, Michael Jackson died. And subsequently MTV has decided to play M on the TV. I like this decision. There's only so much Real World:Cancun a girl can take!

We happened to switch on the MTV right when the epic video for "Thriller" was coming on. Despite my kids' young age, I thought they should watch it.
And naysayers, they were fine and undamaged for life. So chill out.

Anyway, they loved it.
Today I was watching a news show and there was a MJ montage including a clip from "Thriller".

Dylan came running in from outside and peeked over the couch to watch the video.

"Do you want to watch the whole thing?" I asked him.

"Yes!!!" he said.

So I pulled it up on YouTube. Shortly we were joined by Elizabeth AND Benny!

Halfway through the clip I asked Elizabeth..."Do you like this video?"

"YES! I love it!" she said. "Is this the only thing on the Internet?"

"Uh, no," I said.

"There's MORE!?!?!?" she said.

"Yes, lots more," I said.

"Alright!" she said.

Wow! I took a long time off!

2009-06-25T11:24:00.004-07:00

Ten days is a long time between posts! Sorry everyone!

Let's see...We've actually been pretty busy lately.
Bob's been working every day, weekends included. Which of course is great and not great.

We spent Father's Day out at his dad's house, out in the middle of absolutely nowhere at all. Or to be more precise....right about here...

It's dirt roads baby.

Anyway...At the end of BBQ and family fun, Bob and his dad drove up to the top of the mountain there and set off fireworks. Totally illegal!

While we were there, Elizabeth fell off the back steps and cut her forehead pretty good. Blood was pouring down her face. She looked like a prizefighter.

She was not amused.

The next day I took the kids over to Round Valley to visit with their Aunt Kim and Uncle Eddie and their kids. Five boys! One of whom was not there, so four boys.
That also was fun. Elizabeth slept in a tent in the backyard with her cousins and had a blast. Dylan, Ben and I slept inside, though I could barely sleep on account of it being 400 degrees! Ugh. Why don't any of us have A/C??!

There's this all-purpose store over there called Western Drug and General Store. They have everything. Including taxidermied animal heads on the wall.
The kids REALLY loved that! Especially the javelina getting beat down by the mountain lion. Very cool.

We came back Tuesday and it was still ridiculously hot. Yesterday also, unbearably hot. I let the kids frolic on the front porch while I sprayed them off with the hose. THAT'S how hot it was.
Today thank GOD it's raining and it started raining early so it never really got hot at all. And as an added bonus to the already great it's not boiling hot news...because of the rain I can skip watering today! Yay!

And that's pretty much it.
The next few weeks promise to be far more exciting, I swear!

Dylan's Adventures in Dentistry

2009-06-15T14:39:00.002-07:00

First let me say that I took no pictures or video, it would have been unusually cruel and that's unconstitutional. At least I THINK it still is...

Dylan's appointment (which we waited two months to get) was today at 8:20 am. In Snowflake. Which the way I drive is about a half hour away. My husband insists it is a 15 to 20 minute drive, which lets you know which of us is the leadfoot.

I wake up this morning in a panic at 7:22 am. I should have already been gone by then, but my husband did not wake up early for work today and I was counting on his noisiness to wake me up in time.

If you're keeping score, that's TWO instances of bitchiness toward the hubs so far in this post.

Gah! An hour is barely enough time. To his credit, Bob got the kids ready while I whirled around getting dressed, grabbing keys, grabbing my purse, slugging down old coffee from yesterday. Ew.

All the kids were buckled and in the car in 10 minutes and we were off....but wait! Damn I forgot the paperwork. I called Bob and told him I was coming back for paperwork which he found AND met me in the driveway with like the sweet guy he is.

If you're keeping score, that's TWO instances of praise for the hubs. So I'm even now.

Back on the road, now we've lost 10 minutes of precious time.
I make it to Snowflake in near record time, about 27 minutes, haha, I have 15 minutes before the appointment to rush to my friend's house (hey Christina!) drop off the bookend children and then rush to the dentist's office in time.

I pulled up, passed Christina the children, Ben's diapers and an empty bottle (which WAS full of milk when we left the house) and jumped BACK into the car. Five minutes to get there. PLENTY of time in tiny Snowflake.
BUT WAIT!

Some old dude pulls out into the road in front of me in a busted old pickup truck and he actually DID THE SPEED LIMIT all the way from Christina's house to the stoplight. Yes, THE one and only stoplight. Old dudes are such sticklers for the rules. That took me down to just ONE minute to arrive.

We pulled up and got checked into the appointment just two minutes late. I was terrified that they would tell me, so sorry, you have to reschedule just because they could. But they did not! Yay!

I had to fill out the paperwork right there in the office. Bad mom!

Anyway...they called Dylan back to start getting him knocked out. First they weighed him, I suppose to determine how much knockout juice he would need. Then the anesthesiologist -- who incidentally was waaaay amped up for a person who puts people to sleep for a living -- went through a checklist of safety stuff, is Dylan allergic to anything, does he have asthma, does he do coke, that sort of thing. No, no and no for the record.

Then Dylan sat in my lap and the fast-talking anesthesiologist pulled a ninja move and poked him in the arm with the needle of sleepy juice before Dylan even knew what was going on. Despite the doc telling me it would take a few minutes (at least I THINK that's what he said) Dylan started slipping into dreamland within 60 seconds. The doc took off Dylan's shoes and socks, in case they needed to run his IV through his foot, and then took Dylan off to the room to get his cavities filled.

I went back to the waiting room and read four issues of Time magazine and obsessively texted Christina.
It was about 10 am when they were all done with Dylan and they brought me back to see him. He was stone cold knocked out. Totally asleep.
The anesthesiologist told me to "mess with him" to get him to wake up. At least that's what I THINK he said. He talked so fast!

It took about another half hour before Dylan roused himself and wanted to sit up. He was acting like a little drunk kid. I was laughing. A lot.
It was another ten minutes before he said anything. He mostly just looked around dazed and tried to lay back down suddenly.

When Dylan DID speak (the criteria for letting us leave was that he had to start talking) he said "Hiiiiiiii mooooooooom" just like that. Like we were underwater and overemphasizing his words so I'd understand him.

Then he looked around again, drunkenly, and leaned into me and said "Iiiiiiii waaaant toooo geeeet ouuuuut of heeeeeeere."

So we left.
He was dead weight for sure, and I carried all 36 pounds of him to the car all while he was fighting me trying to get down and walk. With no shoes on, and on at best wobbly legs.

We went back and picked up the other kids. Dylan was WAAAAY out of it. He didn't really seem to know where he was, who he was, or what was going on around him.

I got the other two in the car and stopped off to get gas. As I was pumping the gas, Dylan puked all over himself. Nice. I didn't have any towels so I cleaned him up with a sweater that happened to be in the car. Waay nice.

Then I remembered that I had to mail some packages and get milk as we were almost out. I drove all the way to Lakeside to go to the post office there, because you can see the parking lot through the window there and I was not afraid to leave the kids in the car. Then I jammed to Wal-Mart, Dylan still could not walk, and got milk, eggs and other essentials.

At the checkout line, Ben AND Dylan both decided that they had had enough of the day, the shopping and being awake and/or sane and they both started howling and screaming and crying.
So much so that I forgot my PIN for my debit card and the lady behind me said "Honey you need to get home, take some sedatives and drink a glass of wine."

And I would have agreed if the screaming wasn't damaging my brain so much at the time that I could barely register the fact that this woman was talking to me and suggesting dangerous drug interaction, which is totally my style. Kidding. Maybe.

I got out of there so fast and strapped the kids back into the car, Benny still wailing. Then I high-tailed it home, tossed Ben into the crib where he is STILL sleeping Praise Jesus! and drank not a luded out glass of wine, but rather a delicious diet cream soda. Yum.

Upon returning home, Dylan swiftly returned to his normal form: Insane Three Year Old.
He STOLE my cream soda AND began demanding chicken nuggets.

Yeah, he's back to normal.

I, however, am ready for a nap. Is it bedtime yet?

Great Debate!

2009-06-13T10:50:00.002-07:00

This one could get heated! :)

What do you put in your tuna salad?

Mine is:
Tuna
Mayo
Mustard
Sweet pickle relish
Curry powder
Minced onions
Caraway seeds
Lemon pepper
Dill

And I eat it on toasted wheat bread...what do you think of that?
My husband is radically against tuna on toast. He thinks it's borderline inedible, I think he's deranged.

When a man hits a woman...it's open season on assholes.

2009-06-13T10:17:00.003-07:00

Here's a question for all of you, maybe you can help me answer this one...
WHY in the name of heaven and earth would a woman get BACK TOGETHER with a guy that she recently divorced AND had prosecuted for domestic violence? Why? WHY???
The pickins can't be that slim and she couldn't possibly be THAT desperate for love? Could she?
When I saw them together the other day I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. This was, of course, AFTER she had told me a few months back how abusive he was and how glad she was to be out of there and that she had a new boyfriend and all that...

She didn't talk to me at all the other day, HE did. I was appalled. It was very hard to walk that fine line between keeping my mouth shut and grabbing a can of soup off the store shelf and punching him in the face with it. Violence is bad, I know. But beating the shit out of a wife beater....now that's just poetry.

Anyway, I hope that none of my readers are in a situation like this and if you are, get out now. A man who hits a woman is a lowlife coward. A scum-sucking bottomfeeder. A gutless turd.
Why would you want to kiss a turd?

I'm, Apparently, Full of Eggs

2009-06-07T21:12:00.004-07:00

Remind me to never blog the words "nothing much going on here"

Today after Show Low Days, I put Benny down for a nap and the kids went running around like uncaged monkeys. Then Ben woke up and we somehow were all hanging out in my bedroom while Bob played a video game.

Dylan was messing around on my work out machine and Benny was crawling toward him and then BLAM! Dylan knocked Ben right in the forehead with the dang Gazelle pedal.
AH CRAPSHIT!

Immediately Ben wailed. I freaked out and grabbed him up. A lump began to form. A big lump.

Dammit!!!

I swooped Ben (screaming) into the kitchen and got an ice pack for his head. He wouldn't let me hold it on there. The lump grew and darkened.

I informed Bob that we would PROBABLY be adjourning to the emergency room. Then we did.

Despite having a child with a head injury I was not immediately whisked into the sacred ER.
After he PUKED on me, I told the ~~bitch~~ ho behind the counter and she said "No worries!" and I said "Bitch please!" No.
I really said...
"Actually he got hit in the head, so I'm quite worried that he just puked on me."

Still, no action from the nurses.

Finally they call us back and we don't even get a room, we get a glorified hallway aka the suture "room" which is partitioned into two "rooms" by "curtains". No, they were real curtains.

On one side is a gal on a bed getting her leg stitched up after a quite nasty fall. Tetanus shot required. Patient privacy is a JOKE!
On the other side is Ben's exam area. There is no bed. There is however, a La-Z-Boy chair.
What???!?

Because there is no bed, I have to hold Ben the whole time. He is angry, hurt and squiggly. THIS part of the day really freaking sucks. Seriously, I've been home for two hours and my arms are STILL sore.

OK, anyway. 100 hours later the PA comes to examine him, by then he's puked again. So it's OFF to a CT scan for us! Yay!

Other than the puking and the total hatred of being at the hospital (which in my opinion is normal behavior) he's acting fine, so I'm not super concerned at this point.
We get to CT and it's just like on House. And I said that. And the CT tech said, "oh baby, tell your mom she's funny." And I wasn't sure if she meant it or if she was being sarcastic. I went with half of each.

Then despite having trained and able bodied people there, the CT tech tried to make ME hold Ben onto the CT scan table thingy...that was an epic fail. He squiggled too much and I love him too much to restrain him.

So that girl who halfheartedly said I was funny got Punk'd and SHE got to wrestle my baby and listen to him holler in her face. Who's funny now?

Then we went back to the ~~room~~ hallway and La-Z-Boy to await the results. About an hour later, and 4000 squiggles and screams, the CT results were in!

It happens so much faster on House.
Anyway, in the hour I waited, I kept hearing part of the M*A*S*H theme song (trivia: It's actually called "Suicide is Painless" which adds to the ultimate irony of this story) being played in the ER.
When a nurse type person finally came into our hallway I asked her about it and she said that the trauma system was set to play the M*A*S*H theme song as an alert tone to let the ER staff know that a patient would be arriving by ambulance or helicopter. Pretty fricking dark no?

Ben's CT scan was clear, no sign of brain trauma or bleed, which I expected given his demeanor, which was normal. As we awaited our discharge paperwork, I heard the M*A*S*H theme song three times. One sick baby, two assaults (one on the Rez).

Shortly thereafter, we were discharged. While I loaded Ben into the car, I saw the helicopter coming from the direction of the reservation. Mr. Assault Victim. As we turned out of the ER parking lot and onto the main road, there was an ambulance. Two minutes later, the other ambulance. Wow. Those ER people were about to get VERY busy.

Since Benny was fine and I was starving, I hit the KFC for a grilled chicken meal. So I guess I went to KGC.

When I got home, I was immediately descended on, like crows to a fresh squirrel carcass in the hot summer sun.

"You're not getting any of MY dinner! You guys ate pizza!" I said.

Dylan eyed my tray like the Terminator.

Chicken. Rejected.
Mashed potatoes. No match.
Cole slaw. Negative.
Biscuit....analyzing....analyzing.....Approved!

"I'll just have aaaaaaaa biscuit!" he said with such glee that I just HAD to split the biscuit with him. What a sucker I am!

Then Elizabeth pulled the same move.

Potatoes. Ew!
Cole slaw. Gross!!
Biscuit. Missing!
Chicken wing....analyzing....analyzing....APPROVED!!

But she didn't speak. She just puppy-dog-eyed my chicken wing until I gave up and let her have it.
Then she wanted my spork! My SPORK!

I gave it to her.

"Mmmmm. Smork!" she said.

My meal plundered and consumed (Elizabeth saved her sMork). I adjourned to the loo, accompanied by Mr. Biscuit Thief.
Since he's potty training, he went first. A trickle at best, but a start!
He examined his work, and was proud.
Then I had to use the loo. I peed.
He was astonished at the loud loud noise!
"My pee was very quiet!" he said.

Then he examined MY work...

"Whoa mom! You're full of eggs!" and he flushed it away. I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants, but then I remembered, I had just peed and as Dylan says I was "all out of pee."

So yeah, remind me to never say "there's nothing much going on here" ever again.

The End.

Show Low Days!

2009-06-07T15:28:00.003-07:00

We bit the bullet and finally took the kids to the ubercrowded Show Low Days festival and car show.
Today was the last day and we JUST made it to see all the cars before the judging was over.

We got overpriced cheeseburgers and GIANT ice cream cones and kettle corn (which I hate but accidentally ate a few pieces of anyway!). I bought a bar of handmade soap and a fresh squeezed cup of lemonade from a guy inside a giant lemon. Just like on "Sixteen"!

Of course we walked around all the cars and picked out our favorites.
Dylan kept saying "I want to buy THAT one!" Sadly, we didn't have $18,000 on the spot. Dang!

There was a little petting zoo with cute animals, but they charged $5 a kid to pet some pygmy goats. No thanks! Instead our kids bounced in the bounce house for a buck a piece then took a train ride for $4 a pop. Highway robbery? Sure. But they had fun!

After we tired of walking around the booths and cars and I couldn't take smelling that kettle corn stand for one more second we took the kids up to the baseball diamond and let them run free. A GREAT way to tire them out PLUS it's all fenced and contained. Awesome!

Nothing much new around here....

2009-06-06T22:19:00.001-07:00

Elizabeth had a sleepover last night though....

See a funny pic here

The One In Which I Find Myself Stuck in the Back Seat*

2009-05-29T15:14:00.004-07:00

*and not in a good way!

Today I woke up and assessed our milk situation. My whole family welfare revolves around the availability of milk. With three kids aged 5 and under and a cereal fiend for a husband, yeah, we gotta have milk in the damn house.

This morning we were down to less than half a gallon. No bueno. I wipe my ass with half a gallon of milk. Not literally.

Half a gallon of milk lasts about half a day around here. Just so you know.

Immediately my day's plans become clear. Item one on the agenda: GET MILK SO YOU GOT MILK!!!

With the plan of going to get milk then going to the school's lunch program in the afternoon, I packed up the kids and left the house around 10:45 am. Dangerously cutting it close during the rainy season.

We got to Wal-Mart and the sky above was black black black. Like Deebo black. An angry punk. Trying to make me give it my bike!

Anyway....
We finished the Wal-Mart shopping without major incident. I bought a little foam cooler for my milk as I totally planned to be at the lunch for awhile and didn't want my milk to get gross.

I get to the car in the parking lot and I immediately realize that all my plans are about to go bunk. The sky now is SUPER dark, there's lightning flashing everywhere. No rain....yet.

I get Benny in his seat. Elizabeth and Dylan hop into their car seats. I pop the trunk. Unload with a QUICKNESS. Return the cart to the cart corral, because I'm not a punk bitch! then get started on buckling the kids.

I told Elizabeth "buckle Benny!" as I started to buckle Dylan into his seat. It was starting to sprinkle, but I could FEEL the real rain coming.

"BUCKLE HIM! BUCKLE HIM!" I yelled!
"I can't. I don't know how!!!" Elizabeth yelled back, though she totally does.

As I'm trying to buckle Dylan in, the rain starts COMING DOWN!
I finally get his buckle snapped and pull myself into the backseat (of a four-door Mazda Protege by the way) and slam the door shut. I'm practically sitting on top of Dylan now.

"Shut your door!" I yell to Elizabeth, and she did it.

Whew! We're not getting rained on. The rain is pelting the car by now. The drops are soooo big they sound like hail hitting the roof of the car. I finish buckling Benny into his seat then try to get Elizabeth buckled. I'm at such a weird angle, I can't do it. She refused to even try to buckle herself.

The rain is still pelting.
Ok. I have to go out there.
I pull the door handle.
Nothing.

AH SHIT!
I have forgotten that I have the back doors set to child lock. Which means of course that they cannot be opened from INSIDE THE CAR!

I am totally not able to climb over the back seats into the front seat to open a door. I am friggin trapped.

Elizabeth, however, is unbuckled and tiny.

"Climb into mommy's seat right now!" I tell her. "Then open mommy's door and get out and open Dylan's door and let me out."

"Ok mom!"

And that girl scurried her tiny butt over the front seats, into the drivers seat. Opened the drivers door, hopped out in the pouring rain, popped open Dylan's door...

"Run and get into your seat again!" I said as I hopped out of the backseat and ran around to her door to buckle her.
The rain was hitting my back like coins coming out of a dime slot machine. It freaking hurt! And it was coooooold!

I got Elizabeth buckled, slammed her door. Ran around to my side of the car, hopped into the drivers seat, slammed the door.

Then, and only then, did I laugh. I laughed my ass off as I listened to the giant droplets of rain smash against my car.

Just another day. :)

Intolerable!

2009-05-29T07:14:00.003-07:00

There are many things I can roll with....
A loud ass barking dog roaming my neighborhood and choosing to set up shop in my front yard this morning at 4:50 am is NOT one of those things.

SHUT THE EFF UP LOUD ASS DOG!

If you're reading this, you damn dirty barking monstrosity, let this be your fair warning that next time you come over here barking like that I'm gonna turn the hose on you. And if that doesn't work, I'm throwing shoes. And if THAT doesn't work I'll enroll you in Charm School with Ricki Lake, because seriously, Barking Dog, you need that kind of help. Bitch.

Benny's Birthday Bash!

2009-05-27T09:05:00.001-07:00

This pic is late but worth the wait!

Exhausted!!

2009-05-27T08:49:00.004-07:00

As if the multi-kid sleepover we had Monday night wasn't enough...

Last night before bed I got a terrible nosebleed. Yay! It took like a half hour to deal with. Horrible.
Then in the middle of the night my highly tuned body woke me up with major alarm signals. I was bleary eyed trying to figure out why I was waking up at 3 am...then I realized. I got my period. GREAAAAT!
FanTAStic!
I am not happy AT ALL!
I am on the phone AS I TYPE with the doctors office. This is shenanigans!

All that frickin pain for nothing!

ANYWAY!

I dealt with that and went back to bed only to be woken up at 4:30 am by the baby's crying. Ugh. Of course!

I listened for awhile to see if he would calm himself down or keep escalating his annoyance.
He escalated.

Of COURSE!!

So I went into his room and he was not sopping wet, not puked all over himself, not covered in poo, not trapped in the crib slats...hmm...just bored I guess.

I took him out of the crib, changed him for good measure and then laid down with him on Dylan's toddler bed. THANK GOD I'M SHORT. I actually can fit in that toddler bed! Ha!

He didn't seem to want to relax with me, preferring instead to pull my hair and slap my face. Not cool.
So I put him back into the crib, gave him a little bottle of milk and tried to go back to bed. But every time I would try to leave his room, Ben would howl. Great.
Back to the toddler bed for me, though, with my two big kids taking up all the room on MY side of MY bed, I probably had MORE space in the toddler bed.

So that's where I spent the next three hours of semi-sleep. In the toddler bed. Ben woke up again at 7:30 am and decided he was done with sleep, maybe forever.

I took him out of the crib and tried to get him to relax with me, but he was having none of it. He resumed slapping me and pulling my hair and also throwing baby books. Nice.

Eventually I gave up and brought him out into the living room for some cereal and I got my coffee started. It's gonna be a loooooong, tiring day.

Graduation Day

2009-05-21T19:23:00.003-07:00

My baby just graduated from preschool!
Oh my! The first of many educational milestones, hopefully to conclude with her PhD!!

For today though, the kids sang "Tony Chestnut Knows I Love You", one kid had a meltdown and though I didn't graduate I did get TWO certificates of appreciation for having nothing better to do than hang out at school and go to field trips and help in class constantly....

On to the pics!

The Triad

Elizabeth and BFF McKayla

Graduated!

Miss Terry and Elizabeth

Dylan and Miss Terry

Dis-GUS-ting!

2009-05-19T09:11:00.004-07:00

Friday night my sister in law took the two big kids for a sleepover and Benny went to bed early. I INTENDED to use my evening to make the multitude of cupcakes for the BBQ Birthday party and straightening up the house.

INSTEAD the fickle finger of fate pointed right at my head and said, "yeah, I don't think so!"

At 9:45 pm the phone rang. Never a good sign. We've all but expressly forbidden phone calls after 9 pm that are not of an emergency nature. It's past the kids' bedtime, and thus it is OUR time. It's not telemarketer time or chit chat about blah blah time.
Anyway, the phone ringing after 9 pm or before 9 am is never a good sign, nor is it ever met with happiness.

It was my sister in law.
"Hey you need to come pick up your daughter," she said.

"Is she sick?" I asked.

"Not technically, she's got lice," she answered.

"Are. You. Kidding. Me?" I asked, breath caught in my throat, head immediately aflame with phantom itchiness.

"Yes, I call people at a quarter to 10 at night and joke about lice," she said.

"Oh God! OK, Bob will come get her!"

I dispatched my husband into the night to first pick up all the delousing supplies that WalMart carried, and then to pick up the little buggy one from his sister's house.

Meanwhile, I began to furiously strip beds, toss pillows into the dryer on high heat and the loooong night of laundry began. I think in all I washed at least 11 loads of laundry just that first night. Including all the comforters in the whole house.

Once the first load was in, I began vacuuming. I vacuumed EVERYTHING. Every floor, every couch. I put the vacuum up on the bed mattresses and vacuumed them. Then I did all the floors again, just for good measure. When Bob got home with the buggy one, I was vacuuming the living room couch.

He took over house delousing duties while I stuck the buggy one into the tub and shampooed her hair with the lice shampoo. Smells soooo good. Bleh.

After the shampooing, the fun process of combing began. The bugs were too much for me to handle and I got furloughed back to laundry duty while Bob took over the combing process. Elizabeth, bless her sweet heart, fell asleep in the middle of it, so most of the combing that first night she doesn't remember at all!

Neither Bob nor I got to bed that night before 2 am. In addition to my laundry duties I was also baking cupcakes and dang it, I had only ONE cupcake pan. So I had to bake 12 cupcakes, wait for them to cool off, take them out of the pan, bake another 12 cupcakes.....
It was teeeedious.

The next day we re-combed her hair and tied it up for the BBQ, we warned everyone beforehand of the situation and warned her not to rub her head on anyone.
As far as we know, noone else got infested.

After the party, my sister in law hung around to help us comb out her hair again, and also to check MY hair just in case. No bugs for me!

That day ended around midnight. Sigh.

Sunday morning, another round of combing. More laundry. I slathered Elizabeth's hair in conditioner and tied it up in a bun. I know you're not supposed to do that, but I figured so what. It would at least keep whatever was left in there from spreading around, though by this point we were down to just the nits and I was fairly sure that the lice shampoo should have killed them all.

More combing, more combing....
Fun fun fun!

Monday morning, more combing. I got the kids ready to take Elizabeth to school. I already called and told them the situation, they said she had to be nit-free to come to school. She looked good to me, but the teachers checked her and found a few! Dang!
So she couldn't stay in class yesterday. We came home and treated her again, and more combing. MOOOOOOORE combing.

Luckily, the boys have avoided the lice, somehow. Not that it would be all that hard to get them off of the boys. Given their shorty short hair!

Yesterday afternoon I got so frustrated with all the combing that I chopped 3-4 inches off Elizabeth's hair to make it easier. Now it's just to her shoulders instead of halfway down her back. Sigh. Oh well, short hair is better for the hot summer weather anyway. I'm about to get her hair wet and comb it again....cross your fingers! Nit-free!
It's the last week of school, I'd hate for her to miss out on all the activities because some kid got lice and gave it to her and his or her thoughtless parents didn't bother to tell the school so we could be checking for it. Damn jerk off parents!

ANTM Cycle 12: Finale!

2009-05-14T18:56:00.008-07:00

Thank GOD it's over!
As bored as you are reading this, I was much more bored watching the show! Gah. Started out with such promise, ended up in Dulltown.

OK, final recap....it's gonna be awesome.
They're shooting the Cover Girl ad. Commercial and print ad.
Aminat's is the best, by far. But they say she doesn't use the top half of her face. Dead eyes. "Botoxville" is the word used.
Hmm. OK.

Allison drops all her lines, fumbles the words and basically bumbles through the whole ad. Then the director says she looks like Bettie Page...and I don't know where he's getting it from at all. AT ALL. It makes me question his competence frankly. Judge for yourself.

See?

OK
Teyona weeps through most of her commercial and her takes are crappy. She's freaking out. Uh-OH!

Since it's a double elimination night there's no time to waste. The panel is convened and the penultimate elimination takes place.
All the girls have lovely photos. The ads are shaky at best. Clearly Aminat's is the best take.
Callout!
Allison! Wha? Ok.
and the final spot in the final two and the chance to stomp at the Rosa Cha fashion show goes to...

Teyona?????
WTF???
Aminat is sent home...I'm flabbergasted.
Whatever.

The last thing to do before they crown the winner is the final fashion show. Ohhhh snap. Allison can barely walk OFF the runway. Burn!!
She's surely done for right?

Well, turns out she kicks ass on this particular runway even garnering praise from the panel for being playful with Miss Jay, runway diva coach extraordinaire, during the show.
They proclaim Teyona good, if a bit stiff, and dang if I don't think that Allison is seriously going to win this!
But then.....

America's Next Top Model is...
Teyona?
Whatever. Stupid turtle face.

I wish her the best....

2009-05-13T09:01:00.003-07:00

....but eh...

One of our ousted ANTM contestants, Tahlia, has just announced on the Tyra Banks show that she is pregnant.

She's 18. The boyfriend, who's on-again, off-again (nice and secure) works at a movie theater. GREAT!

But he says he's "ready to be a parent" sure, sure.

Yay teen pregnancy!
Sigh.

I smell like this because....

2009-05-12T22:52:00.002-07:00

Confession time!!
I usually will only take a shower every other day. The reasons are threefold:
One, more frequent showers in our hard water turns my skin to ash
Two, during the looooong cold winters it's too dang cold to shower every day. I've had my hair literally freeze!
and Three, I have to get up very early to get in a shower before the rugrats wake up and I am NOT a morning person. At all. In any way.

So yeah. As per my usual, I did not take a shower yesterday and fully expected to get in a quick shower this morning before Ben's checkup.
Yeah. No.

The best laid plans of mice and men, eh?

Last night I gave the kids a bath and noticed that even though the brand new bathtub had only been used once before, the water was already brownish even before I put the kids in there. Hmmmm. Ah well, no biggie.

Then this morning I wake up and the water pressure is zilch.
Not even enough to refill the toilet tank. Which is NOT good.

So I called our water company and got a line of bullshit, which I didn't realize was bullshit at the time but now I know it was a total crock of bs!

I mean, why would the water have dirt in it LAST NIGHT if the water "company" claims that the construction workers just hit a main this morning? AND why were there construction workers out digging up road that WASN'T BEING WORKED ON??????

Fishy fishy stuff.
Anyway, shady companies are par for the course here. And we're used to water main breaks. After all the last time the county workers actually WERE working on the road they tore up a main too.

But I digress......
I did NOT get my shower today. And so an overly hairsprayed ponytail got me through the day of errands, school, paperwork, grocery shopping...ugh

What a mess.

Happy Birthday Benjamin!

2009-05-12T09:44:00.004-07:00

My baby! My last first birthday!
Sniffle! Sigh!

A preview of the teen years

2009-05-11T10:16:00.002-07:00

Me: Elizabeth, could you put this away for me so I can go get Ben (who's crying in bed)
Elizabeth: (skips away) Nope! It's not Mothers Day anymore!
Me: You didn't even do anything for me ON Mothers Day!
Elizabeth: And I'm not going to start now!

Sigh.

Nice relaxing day

2009-05-10T09:50:00.002-07:00

Last night we had some friends over for a barbeque. It was super fun and totally kicked off the warm weather events.
You gotta love a BBQ!

Today is Mothers Day and my kids' present to me so far has been staying asleep long enough for me to get a whole cup of coffee into my body. I'm sure the screeching will start soon. Sigh.

ANTM Cycle 12: Tenth Elimination

2009-05-08T13:42:00.005-07:00

Is it just me or is this season really getting boring? Er I mean CYCLE.
Noone is ripping out tracks or getting pushed into pools by 50 Cent or viciously hating each other and tampering with various foodstuffs.
Where's the passion and the glory.

Anyway...we're almost done.

Final four...two gorgeous black women and two bleached out albinos. Fitting.
This week they are learning the Samba. In Brazil. Tres jolie. Er, I mean Fiesta!

Aminat did the best at faking that she knew how to dance. Allison looked like a gerbil, an albino gerbil.
Surprise Celia was stiff. And Teyona proved that not all black girls can dance. Well, Teyona and Whitney Houston teamed up on that one.

At the samba dance challenge the girls had a chance to win $7,000 in jewelry.
BIG surprise, Celia relaxed and won the challenge! Aminat was PISSED off. PIIIIIISSED off.

Another big surprise, Celia shared her prize with Allison instead of the second runner up....which is like duh, but apparently Paulina and Aminat were actually surprised by that. Huh?
Whatever.

Also noteworthy, Aminat used the word "dichotomy" and used it correctly. I was super freaking impressed. Who knew models had brains?

Tyra did a very lame acting performance to usher the girls into their photoshoot. Birds in a nest. Tyra was the photographer. The styling was actually cool. Though I thought it definitely was better for the white girls, just speaking from a perspective of contrast. Albino girl against super dark background vs dark skinned girl against super dark background. Eh, just my thought.

Allison's shot was the best. I think she might just win this whole thing.

Callout was pretty predictable
Allison
Teyona
Leaving Aminat and Celia in bottom two.

Celia finally gets the boot for being so old. 25.
Tyra is so insulting when she tells her "you definitely should stay in fashion, as a designer or stylist"
BEEEE-yotch!
Final three next week....and that's it. Whew. I was tired of this anyway.

I am a slacker on this blog this week!

2009-05-08T13:07:00.005-07:00

Just so there's not two ANTM recaps back to back....

This week I registered Elizabeth for kindergarten. Sad. AND it makes me feel older than I actually am. Maybe that's just because my mom was five years older than I am now when I started kindergarten so that's my reference. Did that make any sense? I have a headache today....bar flu.

Anyway.
After that depressing incident...I realized that Ben is turning one next Tuesday. So my number one baby in real school AND my babyest baby is not a baby anymore?!?!
Ugh.

Also this week, perhaps because he sense I was losing my mind, Bob FINISHED THE BATHROOM!!!

Yay!
It's totally done, finally!

Whooooooooooo hoo!
Ben took the inaugural bath this morning. Faboosh!

Today the kids and Bob (minus Ben) are going to buy the plants for our veggie garden. Yay!
I hope they get Early Girls!
And that's about it.
Next two weeks are gonna be crazy. Balls out crazy!
Last two weeks of school....trying to potty train Dylan once and for all. Cleaning out closets. Sorry mama.
Fun stuff.

ANTM Cycle 12: Ninth Elimination

2009-04-30T11:34:00.005-07:00

Last week, my fave Natalie got the boot. Dang!
This week:
Finally it's time for go-sees! I expect a lot of footage inside cabs, girls running around like crazy and some bitchy designers not loving our final five.

Check, check, check!
And of course the first rule of go-sees is get yourself booked. The second rule of go-sees is DO NOT ARRIVE BACK LATE. You cannot be late! At all! Not even one minute!

After 11 prior seasons of this, these girls should know this.
However, Celia and Fo both showed up late after the go-sees. They thought they were safe though when the designer's assistant ushered the whole pack up to the roof for a helicopter ride...but surprise!!
Celia and Fo got punk'd! They ain't riding in a helicopter! Their bitch asses were late. DQed!

Catch a cab hos.

Teyona ended up winning the go-see challenge and got some clothes from each of the five designers who were booking, or not booking, the girls that day.
I still don't get the Teyona appeal, but whatever.

Next the girls are doing a sexy bathing suit photo shoot with the lovely Nigel Barker, fashion photographer extraordinaire. And a hot former model in his own right. Mmmm. Nigel.

Aminat has a banging bikini body, but doesn't bring it to set.
Fo is being repeatedly criticized for being too short, commercial looking and disingenuous. Which leads to the point, models wearing not their own clothes in fake and outlandish situations, taking crazy pictures to sell products we don't need....but they must look "real". Confusing.

Moving on.
Allison worked the set, showed off her bikini bod, and was awesome.
Teyona is proclaimed a great model while Celia over-rehearsed her poses and is coming off posey and removed.

At panel Tyra reveals how many jobs each girl booked at the go-sees. Teyona booked all three jobs she went to. Celia got 3 of 4. Aminat, 2 of 3. Allison whose photo was kick ass, only booked 1 of 4 jobs, which surprises Tyra...but not those of us who saw her dreadful attempt at catwalk.
Fo the Formerly Fierce not only looks like a troll in her picture, but she booked no jobs despite making it to five go-sees.
Ouch.

The callout order is no surprise.
Teyona
Allison
Aminat

Leaving Celia the Old and Fo the Formerly Fierce in the bottom two.
Despite being desperately over the hill, at 25, Celia is spared and Fo is chopped from the competition for being too short and not knowing how to work her stumpy body in photo shoots.

If Celia is old and Fo is short, then I am an ancient midget in Tyra's eyes.