Monday, April 17, 2006

I'm in the tunnel, where is the light?

At the insistence of some friends and some family, I've gone ahead and made an appointment with my doctor to talk about fixing my depression. I'm almost positive that I have postpartum depression. I burst into tears all the time, for seemingly no reason. If the baby cries too much, too often, for too long or too many times a day, I feel like my skin is trying to detach from my muscles and crawl away. I get too many bad feelings too often, like wanting to scream into a pillow or wanting to get into bed, get under the covers and not come out. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, I love my baby. I love both my kids. I love them so much that I feel like I can't just suffer with this anymore because I am embarrassed to say to a total stranger "I'm just very, very sad, and I can't shake it off."
More than sad. I'm exhausted. I'm listless. I have much trouble being happy for any sort of extended amount of time.

I was supposed to start back to work in February. It's mid-April, and I'm still not working. I just can't summon the will or the want to do it. It's really all I can do to get through the day, get my kids through the day, and not let the world crush in on me.
Given all the crap that's happened to me in the past 12 months, it's really no surprise that I'm a blubbering pile of depressed goo.
A surprise pregnancy that was not happy news initially, followed by three months of throwing up, my weird dizziness illness, my dad dying, this whole inheritance shit (it's post-Easter, I can freely cuss again!), financial troubles, etc's a wonder that I'm just now feeling the strain.
Actually, I did try to get into a therapist last summer, but with my insurance, the hurdles to get in were too much. I couldn't handle PAPERWORK! That's gotta say something about the depths of my fatigue. appointment is set for two Mondays from now...a kind of long time if you ask me. They didn't even want to know WHY I wanted to see the doctor...
That will be a fun day...hey how's it going? Surprise! I'm friggin depressed. Help me!

I'm now just worried that if they give me medicine I'll have to wean Dylan, something I think I could not bear.
I just have to stop crying. I. Just. Have. To.


Chris said...

I have a friend going through the same issue (serious depression). I don't know if it's post-partum or not, considering her youngest is just over a year, but it is definitely related. The poor thing never gets out of the house and her husband is too tired from work to help out.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry Jessey. I can only imagine that it must be extra sucky to be depressed when you want to be so happy with the new baby. I wish I could take over your inheritance problems for you, I'd kick some step-mommy ass for you. Stupid rule that you can't practice in all states.

Jessey said...

I'd love that Amy! Thankfully, it seems that situation is finally drawing to a close. One less thing.

eaf said...

Good luck. Seeing a therapist is hard, but you may find that just going to see him or her is all the help you need. I hope you don't need medicine. Not only do you have to wean Dylan, but later you have to wean yourself. General yuck. We're thinking about you!

Jessey said...

I was in therapy a lot as a kid because of my parents divorce. I'm not really looking forward to doing that again at all.

Freebird said...

Sorry, you're feeling bad, and hope you're feeling better soon. I've thought about seeing someone about my John issues, but honestly compared to everything you've just mentioned my situation is a walk in the park. Get better soon!