Saturday, April 22, 2006

The One In Which I Admit to Peeing in the Shower, Occasionally

I just finished loading up the new dishwasher with some horribly dirty dishes. I very nearly got dishpan hands.
During this same time, my husband is out frolicking in the woods with a shotgun, in all likelihood killing defenseless cottontails and/or a myriad of species of birds.
Luckily for him, the children (left in my custody during the bunny safari) are both napping quietly and not screaming and pulling my hair.
This whole situation has gotten me thinking about the shaft I got in the gender roles lottery. Don't get me wrong, I like being a chick. It's a definite plus to have such great gender-specific abilities like "able to go to bar with no money and still drink all night" and "able to determine difference between beige and ecru" oh yeah, and "able to make another life inside me" That's all fine and good.

But I'd like to propose a swap. I want to trade "can find every item on shopping list in the grocery store on first pass" for "able to pee standing up".
I'd also like to trade "bathroom decorating ability" for "bathroom filth blindness" and "wet towels belong down there on the floor, right?"

And while we're at it, guys, I want to just acquire outright "able to chug one can of beer without foaming out the sides of my mouth." That one's just for the weekends! Party! Whoo!

Now that I really think of it, the whole miracle of life thing is overrated, I could give that one to the guys. Especially at a time like this, when That Thing that women get and men blame for all bouts of irritability and which is not supposed to return during exclusive breastfeeding HAS returned during exclusive breastfeeding, thus adding another layer of discomfort to my life. Thanks for that, damn female reproductive organs.

See, I could NEVER spend an afternoon out in the woods killing bunnies (even if I wanted to, which I don't) because a) I'd have to sit on a rock to pee, b) I might have to take care of the sanitary portions of That Thing in the wilderness, thus attracting bobcats or some other carnivores and c) I'd get distracted by a nice patch of flowers thinking how pretty they would look in my bathroom and while gathering them take a shotgun shell in the arse.

So yes, I definitely would like to pee standing up, I'll trade you the miracle of life and you guys can keep the secret to successful beer chugging. Is it a deal? I really hope we can work something out!

Occasionally, I forget to pee before getting into the shower, and the running water...well, it happens. And when it happens, it's the singularly most liberating thing that happens to me during that day. I get a glimpse of the other side of the fence, and my goodness that grass is green.


Amy said...

I peed once in the shower in high school. I had to go so bad and I couldn't get out in time. I positioned myself right over the drain because I was in my mom's shower and didn't want to scrub the floor. I wonder if she could smell it?

eaf said...

Arse!? Are you picking up my tendency to use British terms now?

I don't care about peeing standing up. But that's probably just because I'm lazy and will take any opportunity to sit on my fat arse.

Jessey said...

Unless it was asparagus pee, you were probably safe Amy.

Chris said...


Amy, I think Jessey is right on this one. You'd have to be eating/drinking some pungent stuff to leave an aroma that would last through the running water. It's not like you're marking territory.