Saturday, September 06, 2008

And the Universe said, No!

My friend and fellow Karaoke-ist Christina and I have been planning to go out tonight for about two weeks....
We would go out, sing some songs, have some fun, celebrate my birthday (and hers! We both turned 30 this year) and just have a great night out away from the kids and husbands....

What was that they say about the best laid plans....

I left my house at around 9 pm tonight to head out to the Little Bit Saloon for Karaoke! Whoooo hoo!
First I had to stop to get gas...mission accomplished.
Then as I'm heading back out of town, blam!

Blew a tire.


We knew this was coming. We actually expected to blow the tire on the way back from Utah, but never did.
This is my 87 millionth blown tire while driving -- AND not even the best shred yet incidentally -- so I calmly pulled off the road, turned on my hazard flashers and called my husband.

Actually, first I texted Christina who was already at the Little Bit to tell her, egad! I just blew a damn tire, standby!

Bob was empathetic but helpless since I had the car with all the carseats and he had all the kids...oops!
He DID tell me to take his truck when I left...dang it!

I figured, well, I'll sit here on the side of the road until Christina shows up...

Then a DPS (Arizona Department of Public Safety aka Highway Patrol) officer showed up! Whoooo weee! The Cavelry!

"What's the trouble?"
"I blew out a tire," I said through my opened passenger side door.
"Do you know how to change it?"
"Is someone picking you up?"
"My friend is coming."
"To help change it?"
"No....she doesn't know how to do it either!"

He laughed and told me to step out for a tire changing lesson...

As I stepped around the rear of the car he said "You do have a spare, right?"

Thank goodness, yes, I did have a spare.

I opened up the trunk and pushed aside a 24-pack of Pepsi, a jacket, an opened up emergency kit (totally useless in this emergency) and I notice that we've left the BB gun in the trunk. And I'm standing there on the side of the road in the pitch black dark with a cop. A cop with a REAL gun.

"It's just a BB gun," I said as I pushed the board hiding the spare tire upward.

"Oh, I didn't even see that," the cop said.

Hmmm, first day on the job officer?
Anyway, we get out the tire, the jack, the lug wrench....and the officer gets to work on my tire.

He gets all the lug nuts off and the tire won't budge.
It. Won't. Budge.

He kicked that tire, shook that tire, kicked that tire again. The whole car was rocking around. That tire did NOT budge.

He must have kicked that tire for 10 minutes before Christina pulled up and through the magic of Friendship the tire finally just knocked loose.

Turns out, it was rusted to the

So we get the very flimsy and lovely donut tire on the car. It's about 40 pounds per square inch BELOW the recommended pressure. Lovely.
The cop reminds me to go no faster than 45 on the donut.

"Oh, sure. I never speed anyway. Don't let my driving record fool you."

We all had a good laugh at that.

As he's putting my exploded tire into the trunk I said "Can you believe we made it back from Utah on that tire a few days ago?"
He said he could NOT believe that at all, it was so badly thrashed.

"Yeah, we knew it would go. We just figured, eh, if we blow the tire we'll just start our new life in Kanab or Page."

Ha ha ha!
I am a freaking laugh riot in an emergency.

So Christina and I decide to stash my car about a mile back down the road at the gas station and ride together to the bar.
I locked the doors and tossed the Book of Mormon on the dashboard to ward off gypsies, tramps and thieves.

Christina and I then headed out to the Little Bit.
She played some pool. We both sang a karaoke song.
Then her husband called and said her youngest daughter had a fever and she had to come home.
Are you kidding me!? After what we've been through already for this night??!?!

But, the call of the Mother is strong and we left the Little Bit very very shortly after we had arrived.
She took me back to the gas station and as she drove off toward a sick baby I went inside to get a 6-pack of beer. This is my birthday celebration dammit! I'm having some beers!

I aired up the donut and took off for home. At 45 miles per hour.
The whole way I was thinking, boy, this just really wasn't meant to be tonight....and then....three streets away from my happened.

The '80s flashback radio station started playing "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block...
And somehow, the whole night immediately became worth it...

"Ohhhh ohhh ohhh oh ohhh. Hangin' Tough."

Are you tough enough?


eaf said...

HAH! Did you have to stay in your car until the song ended? I totally would have.

Rock out, baby!

Jessica said...

Book of Mormon? Trips to Utah? Is Bob's family LDS?? :)

Anne Marie said...

NKOTB rules! You know they're on tour again, right? I knew they wouldn't stay away forever. My 13 year old heart is so happy!

Jessica said...

I DID rock out to the song in the car. Lame.

I try to be cool and say that Van Halen was the first concert I ever went to, but deep down inside I know that it was really NKOTB. And somehow, I'm getting OK with that!

And yes, Bob's family is LDS, specifically his grandpa who lives in Utah, which is where we got the Book of Mormon from. We live in a very dense LDS population center.

Jessica said...

Cool. We're Mormon too. :)

Jessica said...

Jess - Were you always?
Seems like Simi has a lot of LDS people too. At least, I knew a bunch of LDS people when I lived there.
Up here in NE Arizona, it's pretty much assumed that you ARE LDS. We've got lots of mormon pioneer families in the area.

debdills said...

NKOTB are coming to town. someone asked if i wanted to go on my 30th....
glad you got to rock out in celebration, even if it was short-lived, and mainly in the car.

Jessica said...

Nope- I joined the church when I was 18. Greatest thing I ever did!! :)

Anonymous said...

Don't go crackin' on Mormons, people!

Hey, Jess! This is DJ. Your line about "best laid plans" started me thinking about Eddie Izzard. He's hilarious. Also, read some David Sedaris, he's funny, too. Here's Eddie's quote in reference to "the best made plans of mice and men, et. el." Enjoy (it's quite long, so be prepared).


Poetry! Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. And there was a Scottish poet named Robbie Burns- Robbie Burns to Scottish people, Robbie Burns to English people, and Rabbi Burns to Jewish people… who turn up at his door and say,

“What is the Hebrew translation…?

“I don’t know, I’m a poet, I don’t know this… go away. Are you trick or treat?”

“I need the translation…”

And he wrote poetry, he wrote a big fucking book of poetry, but one of his most famous lines is “The Best Laid Plans O' Mice and Men Aft Gang Aglay,” meaning “The best laid plans of mice and men often go wrong.” And because it’s poetry, people go, (mimes stroking beard) “Oh, I know what you mean there, Robbie, yes… Fucking plans ganging aglay by a fucking truckload…” And being a poet, he must have observed humanity, must have said, “Men. Men make plans. These plans go wrong. Go wrong once, twice… often! Often, a number of plans I’ve seen go wrong… Possible idea for a poem…”

And then he must have turned his attention to the other animal mentioned in that line of poetry. If you think back to it, “The best laid plans of mice and men…” Exactly which mice plans was he really honing in here on? The best laid ones go aglay, some of the worse laid ones are okay? Some of them get through? He was fucking off this trolley! “See, mice also make plans, unbeknownst to most people. They plan to get cheese! They run, they scamper… Oh, one’s fallen over! No cheese today… Oh, plan two: they’ve got three, another one’s got a stick, he’s gonna put the stick into the mousetrap… No, he’s broken the stick! What a jessie! Plan three – Oh, they’ve got a flip chart now! Very serious… there’s a lot of mise surrounding the meeting, and they’re having a discussion… Oh, good plan this, probably! Their best laid plan, I believe… I could just hear what they’re saying. One mouse is going,

“You aren’t supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Told you about that… What are you doing, coming in here, and making such a fracas? Now tell me the plan.”

“Well, we’ll drive the Minis into the square…”

“No, piazza.”

“Oh, it’s piazza, Charlie? And we load the cheese in the back of the Minis, and we drove it at you during a football match.”

“That’s right. Wallop, wallop, wallop, into the big coach driven by William, rounding in the Alps, and we’re free. And you’re sitting in the back, and you’re not having a migraine, and you’re gonna shut your face.”

“All right, Charlie.”

(as Burns, still taking notes) “Meanwhile, back in London, the Chief Mouse is talking to the prison governor-

“Somebody has broken into my toilet.”

“Well, I’m terribly sorry.”

“Get on to Camp Freddy, I want Charlie Crocker given a good going-over.””

So if you haven’t seen “The Italian Job,” this is all meaningless, by the way, but then, if you haven’t seen it, you probably haven’t lived… Yes, yes…