"You're ruining Christmas!"

That's what my mom just told me over the phone.

"Jessica Lynn! You're ruining Christmas! I'm a grandmother for Chrissakes!"

And here's why...

In September my mom first asked me what the kids want for Christmas. Yes. September. What can I say, the woman likes to plan ahead.

"They don't need any clothes or any toys," I told her.

"What? No toys?!? OK Scrooge. Good luck with that," she said.

"No mom, seriously. No toys. They have waaay too many toys. My whole house is covered in toys. I wake up under a blanket of toys. No toys. Please, I beg you, no toys."

Through her supreme Grandma powers she guilted me down to no INSIDE toys. All outside and REMAINING OUTSIDE toys would be permitted.

"But mom, I swear, if an inside toy comes into the house it's going right back out. I don't care how much they cry."

She proclaimed me heartless, but I stayed strong.


Cut to tonight...

We've worked out a handy arrangement where no inside toys will come here and the kids will get a big brand new OUTDOOR playhouse with a little kitchen area and I'm very happy with that.
But, of course, Nani isn't giving up that easily.

"What am I going to get these children? What will be under the tree?! They have to unwrap something! What will they unwrap? Socks?!"

"Yes, mom, socks. They need socks. I swear, I swear to God, no toys. No. Toys."

"But, just some little toys..."

"No! No toys! I will take a picture of Dylan's overflowing closet of toys and send it to you. There are so many toys you can't step into that closet. The only way that ONE toy is coming into this house is if you get rid of 20 in its place. No TOYS!"

"Well, they're going to have this new kitchen play area..."

"Mmm hmm," I said, sensing the negotiation beginning.

"...well, do they have pots?"

"Yes mom. They have play dishes, play pots, play food, play spoons, play everything. They will have no trouble furnishing their playhouse. No. Toys."

"Jessica Lynn! You're ruining Christmas! You're breaking Santa's heart."

"Mom, he's not real."

"Oh, you Scrooge!"

Vocabulary Explosion!

Of course, he waited until I was gone all the time to start learning words.
In the last two weeks Dylan has gone from mostly incoherent babbling peppered with words and phrases like "awww man" "Dora Dora Boots" "I want soda" and "cookie" to being intelligible almost 50 percent of the time.
Now he talks and it's not only ME that can understand him!
Last weekend, while I was being assailed by angry tire customers, Bob taught Dylan to say the numbers 1 through 10. You say "One!" he says "twooooooooo, teeeeeeeee!"
It's really quite cute and when they showed off their trick Sunday night, I cried. Tears of joy! Tears of joy!
I'm so glad that he's not going to stay a crazy babbler forever. I was really worried that the language sector of his brain was never going to kick in properly.
His sister has been doing all his talking for him.
"Dylan wants a cookie. Dylan does not want to go to bed. Dylan wants ME to draw him a picture and eat a cookie. Dylan wants to watch Garfield Halloween. Again."

The other kid, as you may have been able to discern, talks WAAAAY too much. She's 3 going on 13. I asked her to go get me a little towel to wipe Dylan's face and this was her reply.

"Uhhhhhhhhh, in a minute, I'm really busy doing something right now."

She was laying on the couch picking at her toes.
Verrrrry important, yes, but definitely postponable.

Of course, that is when she even deigns to answer me when I am talking to her. More often than not she just keeps puttering around with her random errands (line up spoons on counter, check! Put all doll babies to bed, naked of course, on the couch? Check!) and doesn't even acknowledge that I have spoken to her.
That is MADDENING!

Naturally, this same child will throw a fit of epic proportions if you do not drop everything you are doing to immediately listen to her recount the myriad twists and turns of the very interesting plot of the latest episode of Spongebob...

"And then Gary said 'Meow' and then Patrick was hungry and then Sandy was....MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Listen to me RIGHT NOW!!!! And then Spongebob was crazy. And then Mr. Crabs was cheap. And then Squidward was mad....MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Look at me RIGHT NOW!!!"

But I'll tell you, if the words coming out of your mouth aren't "Let's have chocolate pudding and skittles for breakfast and wash it down with root beer floats!" she will just tune you out and go on with her day.
And God help you if you try to say "Why don't you go clean your room?"
Unless you like screaming, crying, kicking fits. Then you'll be fine.