Monday, July 07, 2008

Open Letter...

Dear Vacationers,

I understand that you are here to enjoy your holiday weekend, but do you have to annoy me so badly while you vacation in my town?
While you're clogging up my normally quiet roads, stores and environment I've been stuck at home, hiding from you, not wanting to be constantly bumping into all you weekenders. I'm too scared to drive into town, knowing there'll you'll be, driving erratically and looking down your sunburnt nose at me, the silly full-time resident. A townie, if you will.
When I did venture out on Saturday morning, there you were crowded around the usually vacant Starbucks kiosk at Safeway. Gotta get those Mocha Fraps!
I also saw you weaving in and out of traffic on the main street, driving at least 20 mph over the speed limit and endangering lives while you "relaxed" on vacation.
I found you again buying up all the bean sprouts and tofu and premium beers. And there you were loading up your tricked out golf cart with a cooler full of alcohol, probably preparing to drive it into the woods and all over city streets drunk and disorderly.
Thanks for bringing your dog to the supermarket!
I especially love it when you're not quite sure how to get to your own house and forget what street you should be turning onto so you stop in the middle of the road instead of getting into the left-hand turn lane because "do I go left or right here? or is it three blocks up?" And all your fellow weekenders who are in such a terrible hurry to "relax" that they can't bear to slow down and waste 10 seconds of their weekend so they just swerve around you into my traffic lane or into oncoming traffic. I really do love that.
Oh, and please stop texting while you drive. Though I've been enjoying watching your Mini Coopers and H3s and Lincoln Navigators drifting all over the road while you try to spell "meet us at the boat launch for lunch".
It has been nice to see what's new in car paint colors! Who knew that baby poo yellow and Lawry's Seasoned Salt orange were the hot new trends in vehicles? Now I feel silly in my boring old forest green Mazda. Yes I'm looking at you in your lime green Mercedes SUV!
I love all the extra car accidents you've been causing all over town with your careless driving. I really love the ridiculously long lines you're creating at the gas stations and supermarkets.
Thanks for buying up all the hot dog buns!
Oh, and all you older gals eschewing all guidelines for public decency and insisting on wearing shortie shorts and mesh tank tops over your bathing suits...God bless your confidence! I don't think I'd could flash my sagging boobies and varicose veins with such flair! Who cares if you're 87 years old, shake that moneymaker!
I'd especially like to thank you for speeding up and down my street, at least 40 miles over the limit, while my kids play in the front yard. And letting your kids run wild on their dirt bikes. Also, those of you with quads and those fantastic dirt bikes (oh, there you go by right now!) thanks for really gunning those engines as you pass our property on your way to tear up the forest with your ridiculously horrible (and totally illegal) off-road driving. There's nothing like a quiet summer afternoon punctuated by what sounds like a swarm of thousands of angry hornets flying by over and over and over again.
You look sweaty and hot on those dirt bikes, I hope you won't mind if I cool you off with my garden hose next time I see you racing by!
I'm just so sad that our time together this weekend is almost over and you'll be going back to your regular lives annoying your regular neighbors soon. I'm going to miss you!
See you again for ski season!

Your Grumpy Townie Neighbor


Maribeth said...

WOW! As annoyed as you maybe...I quite enjoyed your sarcastic letter. Thank you for the laughs and smiles!

Jessica said...

If I can't laugh at my troubles then I'll go insane.

Bob is two more dirt bike races on our street away from calling out the sheriff and/or going down to the kids' house and ratting them out to their parents. Yes. He's going to be THAT GUY in the neighborhood. :)

eaf said...

North Carolina is a very popular tourist destination. Fortunately, Raleigh is not. Huzzah.

But I've been in the mountains behind all the Floridiot drivers. I don't get upset though, because they have to deal with my sorry tourist ass at least twice a year when I go see the Mouse.

Jessica said...

Luckily I am smart enough to know the vacationers/weekenders/flatlanders are not waking up early after their days and nights of fun activities so I go to the stores at 7 or 8 am before start showing up (like locusts).
At least that way I can still shop!

What I don't understand is why are all the vacationers in such a hurry??? Aren't they supposed to be relaxing? They still want to speed everywhere as though they are late for their vacation??? Makes not a bit of sense to me.
Also, why not try to leave Phoenix behind and adapt to the mountain lifestyle instead of imposing your stupid crap on us!