You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do

Ever since I told my mom that I couldn't go to kindergarten one day because sadly, I had been infected with malaria, my mom has called me a hypochondriac.
Whenever she does I just laugh and laugh...until the laughing dislodges what is assuredly a blood clot in my brain and gives me a headache. Then I lie down, for awhile, with the phone in my hand ready to dial 9-1-1 as the bright light gets closer and closer.....
Ahem...anyway...

Lately I've been getting more and more convinced that I am indeed a raging hypochondriac and not actually dying from a rare and incurable disease, though it is still likely that I am.

The last month or two I've been getting these terrible nosebleeds. I mean, like crazy gusher nosebleeds. Like, I need to sit down because I feel woozy sort of nosebleeds.
Thus far I've been able to control them easily at home, indicating that there is no underlying severe medical problem causing the nosebleeds...or is there??

I just got my second nosebleed of the day and immediately (after I stopped bleeding of course) Googled the condition.
After reading all the home care tips and probable causes for my seemingly endless string of nosebleeds (dry air!) I decided that despite the reassuring text on the internet, I am probably afflicted with the least likely and most horrible cause of the common nosebleed: nasopharyngeal cancer of course!!

And I decided this with a click, like this:

Hmmm, seems that it's just the dry air and air conditioning that is causing these...oh wait, what's this? Cancer?!? Click click. Oh yes, that's it. That must be it.

Hey, if I'm going out, I want to go out big!
I'm such a silly beeyotch.