Sunday, July 27, 2008

You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do

Ever since I told my mom that I couldn't go to kindergarten one day because sadly, I had been infected with malaria, my mom has called me a hypochondriac.
Whenever she does I just laugh and laugh...until the laughing dislodges what is assuredly a blood clot in my brain and gives me a headache. Then I lie down, for awhile, with the phone in my hand ready to dial 9-1-1 as the bright light gets closer and closer.....

Lately I've been getting more and more convinced that I am indeed a raging hypochondriac and not actually dying from a rare and incurable disease, though it is still likely that I am.

The last month or two I've been getting these terrible nosebleeds. I mean, like crazy gusher nosebleeds. Like, I need to sit down because I feel woozy sort of nosebleeds.
Thus far I've been able to control them easily at home, indicating that there is no underlying severe medical problem causing the nosebleeds...or is there??

I just got my second nosebleed of the day and immediately (after I stopped bleeding of course) Googled the condition.
After reading all the home care tips and probable causes for my seemingly endless string of nosebleeds (dry air!) I decided that despite the reassuring text on the internet, I am probably afflicted with the least likely and most horrible cause of the common nosebleed: nasopharyngeal cancer of course!!

And I decided this with a click, like this:

Hmmm, seems that it's just the dry air and air conditioning that is causing these...oh wait, what's this? Cancer?!? Click click. Oh yes, that's it. That must be it.

Hey, if I'm going out, I want to go out big!
I'm such a silly beeyotch.


Pixie Louisa Parker Leigh Raychek said...

You are hilarious, as always.

On a side (and very random) note, I would like to inquire about your crocheting services. How much would you charge to make me something like this?

My sister-in-law is having triplets- wouldn't this be cute for her??

Jessica said...

That is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Prices vary depending on materials used and how long I've known the person.... ;)
Email me...

Since I'm in the SoCal area, I have access to better materials at a faster pace AND delivery is cheap!

Jessica said...

PS My mom who loves me and made me and made me crazy also laughed her butt off at me for this....

Tough love?

Meredith said...

You also had vertigo in college. Remember????

Jessica said...

I had something!
I got the same vertigo symptoms again while I was pregnant with Dylan. NOT FUN!

Today, I think I have mastitis. Fun!

Jen Smalls said...

I had a headache for a week and a half recently and I was convinced that I had a brain tumor...I even went to the doctor and tried to convince him of my tumor......he laughed at me!

Jessica said...

I think it's being around my mom that brings me back to this comfy place of Cameron Frye-ishness.
Yesterday I noticed that my brain was moving faster than my mouth and I stuttered a bit. Naturally I now also have a brain tumor.
Maybe we can get our chemo together Jen! I'll take mine Chardonnay flavored.