Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My Children...Oh LORD Help Me

The children must have realized that they stand to inherit nothing from their parents and thus have decided to eliminate us now while they are still young and cute and have a fair chance at being adopted by a rich family.

Case in point: This afternoon.

The first sign that the day would go badly was when Dylan had an "accident" At least he was already in the bathroom and his father was able to get him into the shower and avoid a total poo crisis. Bob threw the offensive undergarments outside into the backyard so as not to disgustify the entire house.

While Dylan was in the tub, Benny decided that HE TOO needed to get into the tub, so he did. And promptly had an "accident" of his own.

On a normal day, this would be the horrifying end of it. But not today.

The bathroom cleaned up, I left to pick up Elizabeth.
She decided to be such a terrible brat and disobey me the whole walk home. When she was not disobeying, she was sobbing. It was a fun 20 minutes.

We arrived home and Benny was upstairs in bed wailing. He was NOT going to sleep. So we let him out of the crib and prayed he wouldn't be TOO terrible.

Oh, I forgot, while we were out, the dog found the poopy underwear and ATE THEM...

OK...dogs are SICK.


Bob started on the dishes and I went upstairs to put away laundry.

Soon thereafter I looked out the window to see the dog had snatched the grease catcher off the bottom of the BBQ and was EATING ALL THE GREASE!

I ran downstairs, took it away from him and went back upstairs...Surely that would be the end of this terrible day...Back to folding...

THAT major fun was interuppted by the sound of crashing glass....which ultimately turned OUT to be Benjamin finding and smashing the Christmas mugs that were intended to be gifts for my mother's officemates. BAD. VERY BAD.

Those got cleaned up and I ran out to replace them leaving the children with Bob.

Unbeknownst to Bob, while I was gone, the children began to throw chunks of mud onto the top of the shed.

When I got home, replacement mugs in hand, I found the children outside, covered in mud AND the shed, also covered in mud.


Dylan and Elizabeth were sent inside to clean up and go straight to bed. It was like 3:45 in the afternoon.

Benny stayed outside to be hosed off as he was head to toe mud and sand and wretched evil.

After that it's just a blur of all the kids screaming and fighting and slapping at each other until finally we separated all of them and eventually put the nap skipping baby to bed for the night, at 5 pm.

I'm currently one whiskey sour into what better damn well be a more relaxed evening. BETTER DAMN WELL.


Melissa said...

OMG Jessica, you are so funny! I wish I could be a fly on your wall. I laughed so hard, I cried. I'm laughing WITH you.

Jessica said...

Seriously, the kids are SO lucky that they aren't going crazy today too...Orphanage for everyone!

Kenna said...

I feel your pain sista!

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