Disclaimer: I am writing this while wearing my walking clothes. All black, messy up-do. I have no business critiquing other people's sartorial choices. But that doesn't mean I won't do it.
Last night was The Oscars!
For me, the awards are merely a long epilogue to the real story of the night, the fashion!
It's not my fault really.
I grew up in Southern California where the newspapers regularly and predictably devote countless column inches and full color inside pages to Oscar Fashion on the Monday following the ceremony. I have VERY strong memories of perusing those quickly assembled pages the morning after the Oscars.
And let's face it, some of the hideous outfits worn at this show endure in the public memory for FAAAR longer than we will ever recall which Documentary Short won the little gold man. Even if the director WAS Kanye'd during his acceptance speech.
See, you already almost forgot about that.
So, let's move on to the fashion.
Let me inform you in advance that I fully intend to ignore all the men unless they wore something truly hideous and inappropriate. I'm looking at you Judd Nelson, but I wish I wasn't.
The prominent hairstyle of the night was overteased messy up-do. The look was rocked by such notables as Sarah Jessica Parker, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and nominee Vera Farmiga.
It's not a BAD hairstyle. It's a nice change from the sleek, slicked down up-dos we've seen dominate previous Oscar ceremonies. But there is a fine line between messy chic and just messy. SJP.
Speaking of messy. I don't know how she does it, but even in this lovely dress Cameron Diaz gives off an "I'm drunk at the prom" vibe. I'm not a fan of her, so maybe I'm biased. But though the dress is nice, she looks a hot mess in it.
Kristen Stewart, who I expected to look a hot mess, actually pulled off this midnight blue dress really nicely. It's ALMOST too much but stops just short of overwhelming her tiny frame. Now, if she'd stand up straight and stop with the smug looks.
In easily my favorite dress of the night, perennial red carpet stunner Penelope Cruz. This is the perfect color, a nice shape that's interesting without being too weird.
Which brings me to...
Oh Vera Farmiga. I don't know who you are, but I'm talking about you. So I guess you win even though this dress is...over the top crazy.
Here are some ways to wear light pink:
Jennifer Lopez can pull off anything, I'm now convinced. This dress would look ridiculous on someone else. JLo just packed that booty in there and worked it.
Technically I suppose Demi Moore's dress is peach, but whatever. I actually like this look, though it MIGHT be too young for the female Dorian Gray here. I'm convinced there is an aging portrait of Demi Moore somewhere in a Beverly Hills attic. Nevertheless, this dress is ruffly without being too prissy and it's fun and flirty.
Anna Kendrick. I don't love this dress, it SOMEHOW makes this tiny waif of a girl look droopy and saggy. It's far too pale for her skin. It makes her completely fade away. I am not a fan.
Moving on to:
Tina Fey is busting out curves I never knew she had in this dress. I'm not crazy about the one shoulder look in general, but Tina looked great. Love the hair.
Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock certainly anticipated winning. She even dressed to match her award in this gold dress. It's a nice dress, she looks good. More than that, she looks uncomfortable, stiff. And she's such a fun lady, it's too bad that she didn't bring that playful vibe to the awards. The lipstick is terrible also.
These were merely MILD failures of fashion though, when you compare them to these overwhelmingly ridiculous get-ups.
Charlize! I realize you are single now, but that's no reason to highlight your "assets" with swirling rosettes. Bad Charlize, very bad.
How people continue to think of this woman as a fashion icon boggles my mind. Her hair is a hot mess. Like she snapped a marble rye onto the back and then went jogging. The dress is drapey and droopy and blingy in weird places. Hideous.
Molly Ringwald. You could have done better. I love the dark purple color of this dress with her signature red locks and pale skin. But the Greek goddess thing does not work for her. Shorter, tighter, less snake-like accessories, less excessive sleeve material. Get Annie Potts to help with that.
I heard that this dress had cutlery sewn into it. There's always one totally weird one right? But at a distance, it's cute. She's 25, first-time nominee, having fun. The cut of the dress is flattering. She looks cute, but forks? In a dress? Eh, ok.
Kate Winslet, I really like you! This weird outfit is just weird. Weird mismatchy colors, corset on top and looks like bloomers on the bottom. Not my favorite.
Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she threw on a beach wrap and came out to the Oscars. Ew ew ew.
Only a skinny twig like Diane Kruger could wear a dress that cuts her body into three segments like this. That said, she looks like a blueprint for a magicians' trick. Cut here, here and here.
Suzy Amis, well, she had to wear blue, and the color is nice. But she's TOO tiny and pale for all that fabric. Again with the goddess look going a bit overboard.
Oh, and dear Associated Press factcheckers...
This is Elizabeth Banks. Blonde girl wearing a grey dress. She looks nice. Kind of bland. She could do better.
...is Rachel McAdams wearing the upholstery from a psychologists waiting room couch in 1987. Yuck. Hated it.
Amanda Seyfried, so boring. She's young and could have pulled off something with a smidge more pizazz. Also, she's all one color.
Who invited Morticia?
Zoe Saldana would have been better off wearing her Avatar costume than this hideous purple and black Beetlejuice looking can-can dancer get-up. Bleh. She's a pretty girl, she doesn't need all that.
And lastly, dear sweet Mariah Carey, showing us what Snooki is going to look like in about 10 years.