Whoa. Tim Curry.....

I am not even remotely kidding about this, tonight I randomly began thinking of Tim Curry ... who may very well be my favorite actor...and all his amazing performances...

From Stephen King's IT


To Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show...


To one of my all-time favorite movies (as though the aforementioned weren't contenders though they SO ARE) Clue: The Movie.



And so I decided to post a tribute to him and I was satisfied with my demonstration of adoration AND THEN...I found out that TODAY is his birthday!!!

Creepy and weird!
But Happy Birthday Mr. Curry! You have given me a lifetime of hilarious and fantastic memories.

The Bachelorette: Bamboozled!

Let me begin by stating that aside from the premiere episode, during which I live Facebooked my impressions of the dorktastic cast of suitors, I have not watched a single moment of the current season of The Bachelorette. It proved to be just too darn painful.

So you can imagine my chagrin, nay, my abject horror, when I arrived over at my friends' house last night to see the paused expression of shock on Ali Fedotowsky's face emblazoned on the big screen TV.
No! NOOOOO!

Yes.
We were watching The Bachelorette. I was BAMBOOZLED!

But, two Dos Equis can get you in the mood for anything. Well, ALMOST anything. So I accepted my fate and promptly dived into the train wreck television show of the year.

The first catastrophe! Ah, the wrestler has a girlfriend (or two) and his whole appearance on the show was an attempt to garner fame and bolster his fledging Canadian wrestling career. Good luck with that pal.
Also, A) your girlfriend is a horseface and B)I enjoyed his free-running esque attempt to slip the cameras.
Additionally did he really think he would ever get out of that lie when, as it was made clear to us at the end of the segment, ol' Trigger saved his voicemail messages AND played them for production staff.

Game. Set. Match.

Just a tip from me to Ali, don't chase a man around asking him to "sit down and talk like a man" that makes you look pathetic, desperate and stupid.

Moving forward from that debacle we come to the oiled Turkish wrestling portion of the show. Nice move ABC. You got my attention on that one. This part of the show highlighted the fact that there are really only two viable options left for Ali, in my opinion: Hot Landscaper Guy and Roberto. Disagree if you wish, but it won't change my mind.
I really just wanted to see these two pitted against one another, but dangit if Hot Landscaper just couldn't hang in there. My dream crushed, I only half paid attention as Goofy-Looking Lawyer won the one-on-one time with Ali.

AND he pretty much screwed the pooch on that one. Didn't try to kiss her, was very weird and failed to pick up on her very standoffish body language. It didn't look good for Goofy.

Oh and I forgot to mention before that his friend Dumbo aka Lame Guitar Guy had a one-on-one date where he completely failed to capitalize on a very sexy setting to make a sweaty move on Ali and instead talked about his divorce and committment to committment or whatever the shit he was saying.

I said it in the moment and I'll say it now. This is the reason why these shows ultimately continue to fail to produce viable lasting relationships: the concept completely undermines the reality of human romantic attachment.

I've never met a guy and thought to myself "Dang! I bet that guy really loves his mom and is a fun-loving yet serious career minded athlete with strong morals and values!"
Nay nay.

True romance and relationships NEVER start out with a great resume..."you can see by my numerous ex-girlfriend references that I am very caring and compassionate..." blah blah blah.

In real life, you see someone, your heart explodes, they think you're cute too, you go get sweaty. All the rest of this moral and intellectual and compatibility stuff comes LATER. Not months later, but just a bit later. If you don't want to kiss someone who CARES if you have the same political outlook. Bleh.

OK...

So then after the oily wrestling and outright uncomfortable and unromantic fireworks date with Goofy, there was a one-on-one date with Frank, the beady eyed lizard man.

And there it was, unexpected but there none the less. He was the only guy who had actual chemistry with Ali. And boy howdy was there chemistry. Immediately upon seeing him she ran over, leapt into his arms and planted one on him. Then as they strolled around the streets their arms were all intertwined and they were leaning into each other and laughing, my GOD the laughing.

I don't get it, but I know it when I see it. That was the only real romantic relationship on the show.

So blah blah blah, they buy a carpet (no euphemism whatsoever) and eat dinner in a canal. Kinda gross if you ask me, but whatever.

Then Ali eliminates Goofy the lawyer, because seriously, he was like her big brother out there. And of course, he cries like a baby in the limo. Dork. He's gonna get mad ass back home though, so don't feel too bad for him.

Then BLAM, previews for next week. After another elimination (I'm thinking Kirk is gonzo) and visits with the remaining guys' families they all go Tahiti, sun, ocean, heat, flowers, thatched huts, romance, uh WHAT??

Frank bails?
WHAT THE EVERLOVING HELL???
Ali looks like she just got punched in the stomach and about tears out her hair and wracks with sobs, tears all over her face, she's a fucking mess.
And THAT my friends is true love. Evil, messy, mean and horrible.

So, yeah, I'll tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this train wreck AND find out who gets to keep that snazzy carpet.

Oscar Fashion Wrap-Up

Disclaimer: I am writing this while wearing my walking clothes. All black, messy up-do. I have no business critiquing other people's sartorial choices. But that doesn't mean I won't do it.

Last night was The Oscars!
For me, the awards are merely a long epilogue to the real story of the night, the fashion!
It's not my fault really.
I grew up in Southern California where the newspapers regularly and predictably devote countless column inches and full color inside pages to Oscar Fashion on the Monday following the ceremony. I have VERY strong memories of perusing those quickly assembled pages the morning after the Oscars.
And let's face it, some of the hideous outfits worn at this show endure in the public memory for FAAAR longer than we will ever recall which Documentary Short won the little gold man. Even if the director WAS Kanye'd during his acceptance speech.
See, you already almost forgot about that.

So, let's move on to the fashion.
Let me inform you in advance that I fully intend to ignore all the men unless they wore something truly hideous and inappropriate. I'm looking at you Judd Nelson, but I wish I wasn't.

The prominent hairstyle of the night was overteased messy up-do. The look was rocked by such notables as Sarah Jessica Parker, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and nominee Vera Farmiga.
It's not a BAD hairstyle. It's a nice change from the sleek, slicked down up-dos we've seen dominate previous Oscar ceremonies. But there is a fine line between messy chic and just messy. SJP.

Speaking of messy. I don't know how she does it, but even in this lovely dress Cameron Diaz gives off an "I'm drunk at the prom" vibe. I'm not a fan of her, so maybe I'm biased. But though the dress is nice, she looks a hot mess in it.












Kristen Stewart, who I expected to look a hot mess, actually pulled off this midnight blue dress really nicely. It's ALMOST too much but stops just short of overwhelming her tiny frame. Now, if she'd stand up straight and stop with the smug looks.














In easily my favorite dress of the night, perennial red carpet stunner Penelope Cruz. This is the perfect color, a nice shape that's interesting without being too weird.















Which brings me to...
Oh Vera Farmiga. I don't know who you are, but I'm talking about you. So I guess you win even though this dress is...over the top crazy.















Here are some ways to wear light pink:

Jennifer Lopez can pull off anything, I'm now convinced. This dress would look ridiculous on someone else. JLo just packed that booty in there and worked it.














Technically I suppose Demi Moore's dress is peach, but whatever. I actually like this look, though it MIGHT be too young for the female Dorian Gray here. I'm convinced there is an aging portrait of Demi Moore somewhere in a Beverly Hills attic. Nevertheless, this dress is ruffly without being too prissy and it's fun and flirty.











Anna Kendrick. I don't love this dress, it SOMEHOW makes this tiny waif of a girl look droopy and saggy. It's far too pale for her skin. It makes her completely fade away. I am not a fan.















Moving on to:

Tina Fey is busting out curves I never knew she had in this dress. I'm not crazy about the one shoulder look in general, but Tina looked great. Love the hair.
















Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock certainly anticipated winning. She even dressed to match her award in this gold dress. It's a nice dress, she looks good. More than that, she looks uncomfortable, stiff. And she's such a fun lady, it's too bad that she didn't bring that playful vibe to the awards. The lipstick is terrible also.









These were merely MILD failures of fashion though, when you compare them to these overwhelmingly ridiculous get-ups.

Charlize! I realize you are single now, but that's no reason to highlight your "assets" with swirling rosettes. Bad Charlize, very bad.















How people continue to think of this woman as a fashion icon boggles my mind. Her hair is a hot mess. Like she snapped a marble rye onto the back and then went jogging. The dress is drapey and droopy and blingy in weird places. Hideous.












Molly Ringwald. You could have done better. I love the dark purple color of this dress with her signature red locks and pale skin. But the Greek goddess thing does not work for her. Shorter, tighter, less snake-like accessories, less excessive sleeve material. Get Annie Potts to help with that.














I heard that this dress had cutlery sewn into it. There's always one totally weird one right? But at a distance, it's cute. She's 25, first-time nominee, having fun. The cut of the dress is flattering. She looks cute, but forks? In a dress? Eh, ok.













Kate Winslet, I really like you! This weird outfit is just weird. Weird mismatchy colors, corset on top and looks like bloomers on the bottom. Not my favorite.
















Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she threw on a beach wrap and came out to the Oscars. Ew ew ew.



















Only a skinny twig like Diane Kruger could wear a dress that cuts her body into three segments like this. That said, she looks like a blueprint for a magicians' trick. Cut here, here and here.















Suzy Amis, well, she had to wear blue, and the color is nice. But she's TOO tiny and pale for all that fabric. Again with the goddess look going a bit overboard.













Oh, and dear Associated Press factcheckers...
This is Elizabeth Banks. Blonde girl wearing a grey dress. She looks nice. Kind of bland. She could do better.


















and thissss....
...is Rachel McAdams wearing the upholstery from a psychologists waiting room couch in 1987. Yuck. Hated it.


















Amanda Seyfried, so boring. She's young and could have pulled off something with a smidge more pizazz. Also, she's all one color.



















Who invited Morticia?




















Zoe Saldana would have been better off wearing her Avatar costume than this hideous purple and black Beetlejuice looking can-can dancer get-up. Bleh. She's a pretty girl, she doesn't need all that.















And lastly, dear sweet Mariah Carey, showing us what Snooki is going to look like in about 10 years.

Eff You Nickelodeon!

Not that we didn't already have plans for this afternoon, BUT I'm still annoyed with Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play

Not that it's not a good idea or a nice sentiment. But seriously.
My kids were split on the concept.

Once the announcement started running on Nick "Turn off your televisions..." etc.... my daughter turned to face me, got VERY serious and said "Mom, don't listen to him!"

And I probably would have been more alarmed by her reluctance to switch off the boob tube if she wasn't actually drawing a picture of butterflies while I was watching a documentary on Homer's "Odyssey"

Her brother, however, took the news very seriously.

As soon as the "Turn off your TV" annoucement started running, HE began running through the house admonishing us for watching TV and reminding us to put down our cell phones!

"We gotta turn off the TVs! ALL the TVs!!" he ran by yelling.

I appreciate the sentiment Nickelodeon, I really do, but isn't The Fresh Beat Band enough torture for one week?

BB11: Yay Jordan!

I'm ridiculously so happy that Jordan won the big money!
Here's hoping that she and Jeff can take the money and run and have a wonderful life together!

Click here for great interview videos.

BB 11: Week Four Elimination Tonight!

Previously on Big Brother 11:
Russell won HoH and nominated Crazy Lydia and Darth Ronnie for eviction. Michele won the Power of Veto and declined to save either nominee. Who will be evicted tonight?

I gotta hope that Ronnie is the one to go tonight. He's annoying and useless. For a "smart" guy, he sure is dumb.

I wonder who will win the Coup d'etat? My money is on Jeff. He seems to be the most popular player in the house right now. I hope he does win it because that will mean that he and Jordan will be safe not only this week, but next week as well. Yay!

Apparently Chima and Russell have had a falling out. He accused her of trying to put the moves on him and claimed he was not down with it. So she got embarrassed and called him a liar. Whoops. Also being accused of lying is Michele. Huh? Where did that come from? She's been laying so low the first four weeks, now all of a sudden Natalie and Jessie are attacking her...

Well, she did just win two POVs back to back. I think the target on her back just got much bigger. She better cement up her alliance with Russell and Jeff/Jordan which might proof difficult...

Russell's HoH blog published with this very odd sentiment "Now on to Ronnie! I have been completely wrong about this kid....he is a nice guy and took a lot of heat from myself and I do owe him an apology. It turns out in fact he was not the Rat.....That title belongs to the Rat Queen herself, Michelle."
I hope they will air something tonight that will show us why Russell has totally flipped on wanting Ronnie out.

And in other things they probably won't show us...continuing Lydia's craziness...she not only sneaks into bed with Jessie at night to watch him sleep (dude should NOT have hit that) she also threatened to cut herself and was told by production that she would self-evict if she did. Meaning her game would end. Then she went and told Jessie that she wanted to cut herself BECAUSE OF HIM. Greaaaat. And she and Kevin have also had a falling out too...ugh.

Here's hoping they have an excellent psychologist hidden in the walls.

Whichever nominee goes this week, it will be A-OK with me, though I prefer to see Ronnie's pudgy ass out the door. Though, who knows how much longer Crazy Lydia can hold it together....yikes.

BB 11: What the hell Jessie?

I get that you wanted to backdoor your target, and I get why. It's the only way to ensure their ouster. But Casey? Seriously?
Now the house is gonna rally against you Jessie. You needed to put Ronnie up. I don't care WHAT your team is telling you, nobody WANTS to play with Ronnie.
Whether Jordan or Casey gets the boot tomorrow night, Jeff is coming for you now. And I hate to break this to you Jessie, but Jeff is smarter than you...and waaay hotter. And now that you've put Casey up, you better hope HE'S the one booted, because if Casey stays now....dude.
So, oops Eraserhead, methinks you made a mistake.
And showmancing then dumping Lydia...yeah, not smart. If Casey stays, THAT team will solidify against you and take Jeff into their ranks. Kevin already thinks you're an idiot. If Jordan stays, she and Jeff will join up with the remaining offbeats and probably Michele too. Then they will start throwing competitions so Jeff/Athlete clique doesn't win. At least, that's what I would do. Keep Jeff in there playing for HoH just long enough to bounce all you other athlete fools out of contention, then lose on purpose. That way, you aren't safe Jessie. Get it?

I hope that is how it goes down. Michele and Jeff have shown they are both capable of winning a competition. Casey is no slouch either. I'd be sad to see Jordan go, but that might be the best way to finally get rid of the head of the snake.

Big Brother 11 - Wow I'm old!

First, I can't believe this is the 11th season (seasonette) of this show. I still remember BB1, it was on six nights a week. It was awesome.

Anyway...BB11...

I missed the inaugural episode because I was too busy jamming down on Rock Band at Club Fig with Chantal and Melissa...yo, real life interfered! Sucka!

But I did catch the last two episodes and here's my take so far...

EVERYONE! Stop trying so hard to maneuver and be slick and take over the game and run the house and be the man/WOman and run the table and all that crap...

The first week should be a chill week. The most obnoxious, annoying, overplaying/useless/incompetent person should be voted out. It's a gimme week. Week one you lay low, you act nicely to everyone, you skate by.....

So on the block initially were Lydia and Chima. Lydia being the bleach blonde punk Offbeat and Chima the over-confident, self-proclaimed DIIIIVA brain -- who incidentally was ready to quit after the first competition.

Tonight the POV removed Lydia from the nomination chairs and replaced her with Braden, the Zoolander-esque man-child.

Supposedly Chima is up as a pawn. But you know how that goes.
And even despite the last minute plan to back door Braden, I think Chima will get the boot this week.

I bet that Chima is eliminated.

ANTM Cycle 12: Tenth Elimination

Is it just me or is this season really getting boring? Er I mean CYCLE.
Noone is ripping out tracks or getting pushed into pools by 50 Cent or viciously hating each other and tampering with various foodstuffs.
Where's the passion and the glory.

Anyway...we're almost done.

Final four...two gorgeous black women and two bleached out albinos. Fitting.
This week they are learning the Samba. In Brazil. Tres jolie. Er, I mean Fiesta!

Aminat did the best at faking that she knew how to dance. Allison looked like a gerbil, an albino gerbil.
Surprise Celia was stiff. And Teyona proved that not all black girls can dance. Well, Teyona and Whitney Houston teamed up on that one.

At the samba dance challenge the girls had a chance to win $7,000 in jewelry.
BIG surprise, Celia relaxed and won the challenge! Aminat was PISSED off. PIIIIIISSED off.

Another big surprise, Celia shared her prize with Allison instead of the second runner up....which is like duh, but apparently Paulina and Aminat were actually surprised by that. Huh?
Whatever.

Also noteworthy, Aminat used the word "dichotomy" and used it correctly. I was super freaking impressed. Who knew models had brains?

Tyra did a very lame acting performance to usher the girls into their photoshoot. Birds in a nest. Tyra was the photographer. The styling was actually cool. Though I thought it definitely was better for the white girls, just speaking from a perspective of contrast. Albino girl against super dark background vs dark skinned girl against super dark background. Eh, just my thought.

Allison's shot was the best. I think she might just win this whole thing.

Callout was pretty predictable
Allison
Teyona
Leaving Aminat and Celia in bottom two.


Celia finally gets the boot for being so old. 25.
Tyra is so insulting when she tells her "you definitely should stay in fashion, as a designer or stylist"
BEEEE-yotch!
Final three next week....and that's it. Whew. I was tired of this anyway.

ANTM Cycle 12: Ninth Elimination

Last week, my fave Natalie got the boot. Dang!
This week:
Finally it's time for go-sees! I expect a lot of footage inside cabs, girls running around like crazy and some bitchy designers not loving our final five.

Check, check, check!
And of course the first rule of go-sees is get yourself booked. The second rule of go-sees is DO NOT ARRIVE BACK LATE. You cannot be late! At all! Not even one minute!

After 11 prior seasons of this, these girls should know this.
However, Celia and Fo both showed up late after the go-sees. They thought they were safe though when the designer's assistant ushered the whole pack up to the roof for a helicopter ride...but surprise!!
Celia and Fo got punk'd! They ain't riding in a helicopter! Their bitch asses were late. DQed!

Catch a cab hos.

Teyona ended up winning the go-see challenge and got some clothes from each of the five designers who were booking, or not booking, the girls that day.
I still don't get the Teyona appeal, but whatever.

Next the girls are doing a sexy bathing suit photo shoot with the lovely Nigel Barker, fashion photographer extraordinaire. And a hot former model in his own right. Mmmm. Nigel.

Aminat has a banging bikini body, but doesn't bring it to set.
Fo is being repeatedly criticized for being too short, commercial looking and disingenuous. Which leads to the point, models wearing not their own clothes in fake and outlandish situations, taking crazy pictures to sell products we don't need....but they must look "real". Confusing.

Moving on.
Allison worked the set, showed off her bikini bod, and was awesome.
Teyona is proclaimed a great model while Celia over-rehearsed her poses and is coming off posey and removed.

At panel Tyra reveals how many jobs each girl booked at the go-sees. Teyona booked all three jobs she went to. Celia got 3 of 4. Aminat, 2 of 3. Allison whose photo was kick ass, only booked 1 of 4 jobs, which surprises Tyra...but not those of us who saw her dreadful attempt at catwalk.
Fo the Formerly Fierce not only looks like a troll in her picture, but she booked no jobs despite making it to five go-sees.
Ouch.

The callout order is no surprise.
Teyona
Allison
Aminat

Leaving Celia the Old and Fo the Formerly Fierce in the bottom two.
Despite being desperately over the hill, at 25, Celia is spared and Fo is chopped from the competition for being too short and not knowing how to work her stumpy body in photo shoots.

If Celia is old and Fo is short, then I am an ancient midget in Tyra's eyes.

ANTM Cycle 12: Eighth Elimination

Last time: Tyra and Co. sent home London for being fat and having no face.

This week, the remaining girls are jetting off to Brazil! Que bom!
Immediately on arrival, they have to do a challenge. Find a flower shop, then find the Girl from Ipanema.
Racing through the city, oh the suspense!
Fo and Natalie win the challenge!

The Girl from Ipanema gives them the key to their new pad and some barely intelligible advice about movement.

Once in the hizzy, the girls get a gift basket including $500 flip flops! For real? I have flip flops that look just like them and I got them at the Walmart for like $6. Fashion is a ripoff!

And I'm sorry to report that once again Natalie is a sourpuss, whiny bitch. She said there's "nothing special about Brazil" yeah, like Palos Verdes is that friggin incredible! Ugh, she's 18 and a SoCal snob jerk already.

What's so great about Brazil? Uh, how about this, this, this and this?

Get it? Got it? Goooood.

Then the girls do a capoeira teach where they learn the moves from this Brazilian martial art.
Uh oh, Natalie is a hot mess. The other girls work it. But noone works it like Celia who actually "accidentally" pops a roundhouse kick into Aminat's dome. Sweet.

There's a photo challenge where the girls use their capoeira moves to take fierce pic. Duh, Fo wins!
Allison is surprisingly good, the rest of the girls are fierce tranny hot messes.

As the winner, Fo gets to steal 25 shots from another girl for the next photo shoot, she chooses to take Teyona's snaps. Ohhhh snap. That's what you get girl. To her credit, Teyona didn't get all (in my husband's words) Queen Latifah about it. She said she was flattered that Fo yanked her shots. Then proceeds to yap behind Fo's back about it with Aminat.

For the actual photo shoot, the girls are styled like Carmen Miranda and pose in a favela, which is like a Brazilian shanty town. Incidentally, there is a kickass taqueria in Vacaville, Calif. called Favelas and it's the bomb. Yummy.

During the shoot, Allison and Teyona pull it out. Celia and Aminat are sort of flat. Fo "needed the extra frames" and Natalie....well, she sort of picked one pose and hung with it...more on that later.

At panel Paulina's fake tan is horrendous. Like Lohan bad.
Critiquing the shots:
Allison is alive and sexy.
Fo is too much a copycat of the real Carmen Miranda, not enough model.
Teyona must have known she had to work it with less frames because her pic is fierce.
Aminat is displaying the "black girl model pose" Heeeeey! And is consequently boring.
Celia has no spark, it's her "weakest shot yet" and is not fresh.
Natalie also has no spark....but wait....

The judges say Natalie didn't mix it up enough and DAMN STUPID BITCH BLAMES MR. JAY! No no no no! That is a Top Model NO NO! You NEVER ever ever EVER blame Mr. Jay for your bad shots! Ahhhhhhh shit. This is no bueno.

Call out order!

Allison, damn girl!
Teyona despite the nightie dress
Fo, fieeeeerce
Celia

Bottom two: Aminat and Natalie
And damned if Natalie didn't get the boot....crap.
"Modeling isn't just being pretty and taking pretty pictures," Tyra said.
Well, then what the hell IS it about? Astrophysics?
I'm lost!

Natalie too was pissed, as I predicted just after her ouster, she was flabbergasted that SHEEEEE was sent home as SHEEEEE is clearly better than everyone and they're all hags and skanks. I'm paraphrasing here.
So, Natalie is leaving unremarkable Brasilia and heading back to the PV. What up Rancho Palos Verdes!?!?!? RPV in the hizzy! Can I get a trust fund?

ANTM Cycle 12: Seventh Elimination

Ugh.

Another crappy week for the recap!

My mom is in town and I totally forgot that ANTM comes on here at 7 pm...


Rest assured, I caught the very end.

Bottom Two:
Aminat and London

London was sent home for not having the "face" in person and in pictures. Though in the exit interview it seemed that London attributed her expulsion to having gained weight.

My question...where?!?!
Anyway...better recap to follow!

ANTM: Cycle 12 - Sixth Elimination

Whoa.
Someone is going to have to chime in on this one because I can't figure out how this happened!

I'm honestly lost.

Last week:
Tahlia was awesome and in the top three. Natalie had no bones in her face and Allison was told, BRING ANOTHER LOOK OR ELSE!

This week:
The fight against Natalie continues because she "thinks she's better than everyone else"
Uh, maybe she is better? I'm only saying that because she's my pick. But seriously. If she really thinks she's better, why should she pretend to think that she sucks. I think she rocks. The other girls should either raise their game or ignore her!

Blah.

After this I had 100 major kid crises pop up so bear with my lame recap this week!
Clay Aiken comes in for the challenge. OMIGOD! Gayken!
The girls are supposedly learning how to act. From Gayken? He couldn't even convincingly act straight. At all. When he was TRYING TO!

ANYWAY.

Then the girls face off in an act off where they are supposed to say a line in certain ways. How do you say something that cannot be construed in any way as Bossy in a "bossy" way? Very confusing.

Paulina was involved so of course it was snark city.

London wins the challenge.

The girls meet last cycle's winner McKey. Yawn. She is a dogface.

Then they did a Cover Girl commercial, in teams. Whoa. Fo the Fierce was super LAME.
Yikes. And challenge winner London was el suck in her feature role but then killed as a background girl. SOMEONE has confidence problems!

Then at panel, Nigel said Natalie looked like a Bond girl doing Cover Girl. Is that bad?
I missed a bunch of panel. Some child emergency, like someone was looking at someone else....sigh.

Then the panel said that Tahlia has the exact look that this client wants....Oooookay, so she must be safe right?

Oh, and they made Allison and Teyona change outfits because Allison had already worn her dress in week one. Wha?
Whatever.

Celia rocked the commercial and gets the first call-out. She was actually really good, except that Tyra basically said she looked old. Well, she's 25 not 17. Duh.

Callout order:
Celia
Natalie (?)
Teyona (who I still don't understand)
Fo
London
Aminat

Leaving a bottom two of Allison, uh oh goth Barbie! and Tahlia. What? Tahlia? They said she was good!?!

Confusing.

In maybe one of the most shocking eliminations, even after Tyra lambasts Allison for STILL being a one-look model, she is spared and TAHLIA (who I didn't like in the first place, but the judges were ga-ga for) is chopped from the competition.

What??!?

And she didn't even cry. She cried about everything else!!

Someone fill me in on what the heck happened!??!?




Who will go next week????

ANTM: Cycle 12 - Fifth Elimination

Previously: Celia was a beeeeyotch at panel, drawing a very bad sort of attention to herself....

This week:
The dustup over Celia's bratty move at panel continues with Aminat jumping into the fray and attacking both Celia and Allison AND Natalie. Allison, predictably, nearly weeps. Natalie is badass and doesn't crack. Awesome.

Beth Ostrosky Stern comes in for a teach about expressions and expressive faces, which is nearly laughable. She always looks the exact same to me.

The girls do a challenge where they stick their faces into giant cardboard cutouts of Tyra photos. Seriously? It was quite funny. Some girls just did NOT know what to do with their faces to match the pose, others did. Natalie and London were particularly expert at this challenge with my girl Natalie winning!
Though now I'm worried that she'll be another Heather. Winning all the CoverGirl of the Weeks and eventually losing....sigh.

To the photoshoot, which was good but not nearly as creative as last week.

The girls are doing a beauty shot where they will be dusted with pigments and will have to represent the color. This is a total spin off of Cycle 10s dripping paint on the face beauty shot. Yaaaaaawn.

Each girl got her own color....
Allison - Hot pink
Aminat - green
Tahlia - purple
Teyona - yellow
Fo - red
London - blue
Natalie - orange
Sandra - white
Celia - grey

Some of these selections make me feel like the fix is in....Fo the Fierce gets red? Come on now!

As per usual, some girls brought the face, some fell flat.
Fo and London were called "fabulous" and "genius" by Mr. Jay, respectively.

Then at panel, the judges slammed both London AND Allison for having no range in facial expression. They also said that Teyona, who Mr. Jay said couldn't smile properly, was brilliant, though I found her picture ho-hum. Celia and Aminat were merely good and Fo of course was FIERCE.
Natalie needs to find her light to give her face bones? What?
Tahlia looks better in pics than in person, largely due to her very bad hairstyle and Sandra's picture was just flat out boring.

Call Out Order!
NO shock with the pic of the week.
Fo the Fierce
Teyona (seriously, I don't see it!)
Tahlia
Aminat
Allison
Natalie
London

leaving the bottom two of boring Sandra and bitchy Celia.


Ultimately, Sandra's inability to deliver a compelling photo that was not in profile led to her ouster from the competition and Celia was left to bitch another day.

Ironically, during Sandra's farewell reel she talks about how she is soooo much better than all the other girls and that ANTM really is going to miss out on a great winner by letting her go and we haven't seen the last of her...though I really suspect that we probably have.

Tune in next week!

ANTM Cycle 12: Fourth Elimination

Previously on the ANTM recap I said:

Will Kortnie finally get kicked off the show already! She's horrible!

Hmmm.

This week is posing Benny Ninja style! Fantastic!
I also had a guest recapper since we're staying at my mom's house and Survivor was a recap show last night.
About halfway into Benny Ninja's spiel about posing I caught mom rolling her eyes.
"You have to watch it like it's a comedy! Then it makes sense."

She tried. She really tried.

OK.
Music and fashion pose off...go!
They faced off in two groups of five, from which a winner was chosen and then the two winners faced off in a show down. Group one's winner was Celia, natch. Group two was won by Natalie! Atta girl!
A major wardrobe malfunction (too tall shoes!) resulted in Natalie losing and Celia, bleh, winning.
I asked my mom which girl she thought was best.

I had no favorite. They were all superfluous

I told you, she tried

After the pose off, Tahlia whined and complained that she wanted to quit. Celia interviewed for the camera about it saying, "Good! Go! Leave!"

I guess Tahlia whines a lot.
She annoys me and I only see her for an hour every week.

The photo shoot concept was actually really cool and for once I was really excited to see how the shots would turn out. The girls were to portray an immigrant mother at Ellis Island surrounded by her kids and husband, played by Benny Ninja. Awesome.
Also, they used an old-timey camera so the girls had to remain totally still. More awesome.

Sandra's attempt was deemed boring. Fo, Teyona, Tahlia and Celia were "good". Natalie did OK and Aminat apparently forgets that she has a face.
Allison seemed to have done the best and I either wrote "bomb" or "barb" for London...which makes sense two ways in one case and not at all in the other. Did she bomb, or was she da bomb? Can't remember.

For this panel I think the fix was in. I thought Kortnie's shot was the best but the panel loved Tahlia's which I thought was WAAAAY over the top too modelly and I hated it! Let's see how it turns out!

Sandra, Fo, Celia and Kortnie apparently just didn't connect with the concept of the shoot, or at least didn't translate an understanding to film. The panel called them "disconnected" or "dead". I agreed, for the most part. The pictures where EVERYONE is looking at the camera except the model did look weird, at least in the context of what the shoot was supposed to be about...however...whatever.

Celia was absolutely the worst shot. She got totally upstaged by the kid in the back. Bummer.

Call out order
Top Five
Tahlia (are you freaking kidding me!)
Teyona
Allison
Natalie
London

Bottom Five
Aminat
Celia
Fo
Sandra
Kortnie


In the end, Kortnie was sent home, fulfilling my wish from last week even though I thought she was good this week. Ah well. Buh bye pseudo plus sized model. Size 10 is plus sized? Whatever.

Oh, but wait!
After Tyra tells the girls it's buh bye Kortnie, CELIA decides she needs to up the ante and tells Tyra and the panel that Tahlia has been bitching all week that she wants to go home. Tyra ripped off her weave and told that beeyotch to step back in line and shut her piehole.
Whoops.

She's got fierce poses and fab photos but also that big saggy old mouth just trying to start trouble, nuh uh Celia. This is Tyra's world, you're just living in it. That girl is 25 years old, she should know better than to tattle!

I predict trouble.

Coming up next week...

A contestant's shocking admission leaves the house divided; the contestants re-create Tyra's famous poses.

ANTM: Cycle 12 - Third Elimination

If you're like me, you're still trying to sort out who is who on this show.
This is the first week I've remembered all the girls names! Some of them are just getting far less airtime than others.
My girl Natalie stepped up the bitch game this week when she showed the other girls how to walk runway prior to the actual runway lesson from Miss J.

Uh, yeah, so many things wrong with that.

A) When you get up there and say, "you all should do this this and this", you look like a total wanker bitch.
B) WHY would you help out your competition, especially this early in the game, ESPECIALLY with something you claim to be the best at, ESPECIALLY when you think there might be a challenge elimination this week. Dumb dumb dumb. But whoever said that models were the brightest chicks around?

After her tutorial on how to model, Natalie called out Tahlia for having no confidence. Yeah, pick on the burn victim. Now you're the No. 1 jerk in the house. And while sometimes the real jerky girls get far (Jade, Bianca, Renee and Bre come to mind) Natalie is no Jade. Hell, she's no Renee - who got robbed by the way.

Back on topic.
The actual runway lesson was hilarious. All the girls in twinsets, black pumps and pearls and Miss J working the society matron look. Hysterical.
Some of the girls whose walks were a hot mess: Kortnie, Tahlia and mooneyed Allison.
Natalie, of course, rocked it and went on to win the runway competition (a Jill Stuart fashion show) despite swirling midway down the runway.
Wait, I thought swirling was good? Well, it was a few cycles back anyway....

The photo shoot took place atop a double decker sightseeing bus (though a couple shots were taken off the bus, which makes no sense but whatever). The girls had to evoke characters based on New York landmarks, like Wall Street and Times Square.
These are the types of shoots where when a picture goes bad you can't really blame the models. I mean, who came up with the character of Two Nannies Ignoring the Baby. No wonder that picture was terrible in its ability to tell that story, bleh. At least they looked good.

By far the worst shot though was Kortnie and Nijah's SoHo Artists shot. Fug fug fug. Didn't tell the story and wasn't visually appealing.
The judges also ripped London and Allison's photo of snooty socialites, though I thought they pulled it off. At one point they said Allison looked like an Olsen Twin. Hello, those Olsen twins are total snooty rich socialites. We can't all be Gossip Girl.

They also criticized Natalie for not being believeable as a tourist. Well, she clearly isn't the golden child anymore. Crap! I hope she breaks down and cries next week.

PS I can't believe Fo didn't get called out first. Her picture as a Wall Street Broker was awesome. Instead it was Sandra, who was in the aforementioned ineffective nannies shot. Whatever. This show makes no sense.

Call Out Order:
Sandra
Aminat
Tahlia (WHAT?)
Fo
Celia
Kortnie (who we barely saw all episode and who's picture was a drag)
London
Teyona

Leaving us with a bottom three of Natalie, Allison and Nijah.
Uh oh.


Despite being unbelieveable, Natalie is safe.
Allison has such a unique look but can't translate it to film. Nijah is gorgeous but models like a corpse.
Naturally Allison is safe, and since Nijah can't smile with her eyes or really her mouth either, she's sent packing.

Who will go next week? Can Natalie and Allison get back to their former glory? Will Kortnie finally get kicked off the show already! She's horrible!
Tune in next Wednesday on the CW.

ANTM: Cycle 12 - Second Elimination

Makeovers!!
As per usual most of the makeovers fall into one of these categories...with some overlapping...

*Dark haired girl gets bleach blonde hair
*Long haired girl gets pixie cut
*Short haired girl gets super long weave
*Pretty girl gets nice haircut

Oh and Natalie totally punked out. Shit! I thought for sure she'd get eliminated just based on being a lame-o but her picture came out slammin' so she was safe.

Other notes on the makeovers:
I hate the black girl with the bleach blond buzz cut thing, not the girl herself but the style.
I like Fo's haircut, even though she whined about it like a baby
Why'd they take away Aminat's fro?
Kortnie got red hair to complement her fake tan skin? Ha!
Natalie! Stop freaking out!
Teyona - Gheri curl? Really? That's getting re-done!

OK...
They did a Walmart.com Cover Girl challenge showcasing the new mascara Eyelights. Which incidentally, I use and really think is neat.
Anyway, the team of Aminat (former fro), Sandra (bleach blonde buzz cut), and Celia (Linda Evangelista esque now) wins and Aminat and Sandra promptly turn on each other at dinner with Sandra calling Aminat trashy and then later at the photo shoot and panel each delighted in the other's struggles. Harsh!


At the photo shoot, the girls had to use light sticks to light themselves for the shot. Some girls did great and looked amazing, some girls gave themselves campfire lighting and ended up looking dreck. Ahem Jessica "I'm much more prettier than half the other girls here" Santiago. Shhh, you're too cocky too soon, this does not bode well for you! Paulina Porizkova said she looked like a monster, I think Paulina is the Simon of this show.

Apart from disparaging some very nice outfits, the panel also made these comments about the girls at panel...

Fo = Is she a model?
Kortnie = Not invested
Nijah = Smile with your eyes girl!
London = Dramatic, in a good way
Allison = Alienesque and fantastic!
Sandra = a new one for me, No tension?
Celia = Fabulous
Jessica = Ugly ugly pic, too mean looking too tense
Tahlia = not enough tension (tension is the new smile with your eyes I guess!)
Natalie = Phenomenal
Teyona = Rocked the photo despite bad hair that needs to be fixed
Aminat = Totally lost in the crowd in the photo


Fo and Jessica ended up in the bottom two. Fo because she cried about her makeover and couldn't work it in the picture. Jessica because she relied on pretty and didn't model enough...plus she's a beeeyotch!

Jessica got the boot and her parting words included the sentiment that she was STILL much prettier than all the other girls.
Didn't you get that memo Jess? Pretty doesn't cut it in Top Model. You've got to put pretty on the picture yo!

Tune in next week! Who will be eliminated?

ANTM: Cycle 12 - First Elimination

Wow. I know that models nowadays are not so much pretty as they are interesting looking, but dang.
I'm not sure about this group of would-be Tyras.
And the funny thing is that like half of them think they are God's gift to fashion and the other half are wildly insecure and certain they will fail.
I felt bad for Isabella though, she clearly was out of her element. At least she won't have to go to the pharmacy for her seizure disorder meds for a while, seeing as how she's got a three month supply already! Do you think that when she filled that big prescription refill (clearly anticipating that she'd be on the show until the end) she had even the slightest thought that she was jinxing herself? Cause that's exactly what I thought when I saw all the pills. Maybe I'm just cynical. Maybe?

So anyway, noone else felt like picking a winner....scared of my ANTM model picking prowess are you?
But my pick, Natalie, is still in it. She got called out about 3/4 of the way through the list though...not sure if that is a good or bad thing. You know Tyra always says the competition isn't about starting out great and staying great, it's about always improving from week to week.



Maybe that's just to make the stank ass middle of the pack girls feel better. But, if you start out at the top, there's only one way to go...down and out. I'm talking to you space face. Er. Allison. She's got a Twiggy thing going on, and I like that, but I think she might be too naive to make it too far.
We'll see.

Now that the first episode has aired I'll give ONE last chance to pick your winner. Here's the cast photo, or click here for the site.