Let me begin by stating that aside from the premiere episode, during which I live Facebooked my impressions of the dorktastic cast of suitors, I have not watched a single moment of the current season of The Bachelorette. It proved to be just too darn painful.
So you can imagine my chagrin, nay, my abject horror, when I arrived over at my friends' house last night to see the paused expression of shock on Ali Fedotowsky's face emblazoned on the big screen TV.
We were watching The Bachelorette. I was BAMBOOZLED!
But, two Dos Equis can get you in the mood for anything. Well, ALMOST anything. So I accepted my fate and promptly dived into the train wreck television show of the year.
The first catastrophe! Ah, the wrestler has a girlfriend (or two) and his whole appearance on the show was an attempt to garner fame and bolster his fledging Canadian wrestling career. Good luck with that pal.
Also, A) your girlfriend is a horseface and B)I enjoyed his free-running esque attempt to slip the cameras.
Additionally did he really think he would ever get out of that lie when, as it was made clear to us at the end of the segment, ol' Trigger saved his voicemail messages AND played them for production staff.
Game. Set. Match.
Just a tip from me to Ali, don't chase a man around asking him to "sit down and talk like a man" that makes you look pathetic, desperate and stupid.
Moving forward from that debacle we come to the oiled Turkish wrestling portion of the show. Nice move ABC. You got my attention on that one. This part of the show highlighted the fact that there are really only two viable options left for Ali, in my opinion: Hot Landscaper Guy and Roberto. Disagree if you wish, but it won't change my mind.
I really just wanted to see these two pitted against one another, but dangit if Hot Landscaper just couldn't hang in there. My dream crushed, I only half paid attention as Goofy-Looking Lawyer won the one-on-one time with Ali.
AND he pretty much screwed the pooch on that one. Didn't try to kiss her, was very weird and failed to pick up on her very standoffish body language. It didn't look good for Goofy.
Oh and I forgot to mention before that his friend Dumbo aka Lame Guitar Guy had a one-on-one date where he completely failed to capitalize on a very sexy setting to make a sweaty move on Ali and instead talked about his divorce and committment to committment or whatever the shit he was saying.
I said it in the moment and I'll say it now. This is the reason why these shows ultimately continue to fail to produce viable lasting relationships: the concept completely undermines the reality of human romantic attachment.
I've never met a guy and thought to myself "Dang! I bet that guy really loves his mom and is a fun-loving yet serious career minded athlete with strong morals and values!"
True romance and relationships NEVER start out with a great resume..."you can see by my numerous ex-girlfriend references that I am very caring and compassionate..." blah blah blah.
In real life, you see someone, your heart explodes, they think you're cute too, you go get sweaty. All the rest of this moral and intellectual and compatibility stuff comes LATER. Not months later, but just a bit later. If you don't want to kiss someone who CARES if you have the same political outlook. Bleh.
So then after the oily wrestling and outright uncomfortable and unromantic fireworks date with Goofy, there was a one-on-one date with Frank, the beady eyed lizard man.
And there it was, unexpected but there none the less. He was the only guy who had actual chemistry with Ali. And boy howdy was there chemistry. Immediately upon seeing him she ran over, leapt into his arms and planted one on him. Then as they strolled around the streets their arms were all intertwined and they were leaning into each other and laughing, my GOD the laughing.
I don't get it, but I know it when I see it. That was the only real romantic relationship on the show.
So blah blah blah, they buy a carpet (no euphemism whatsoever) and eat dinner in a canal. Kinda gross if you ask me, but whatever.
Then Ali eliminates Goofy the lawyer, because seriously, he was like her big brother out there. And of course, he cries like a baby in the limo. Dork. He's gonna get mad ass back home though, so don't feel too bad for him.
Then BLAM, previews for next week. After another elimination (I'm thinking Kirk is gonzo) and visits with the remaining guys' families they all go Tahiti, sun, ocean, heat, flowers, thatched huts, romance, uh WHAT??
WHAT THE EVERLOVING HELL???
Ali looks like she just got punched in the stomach and about tears out her hair and wracks with sobs, tears all over her face, she's a fucking mess.
And THAT my friends is true love. Evil, messy, mean and horrible.
So, yeah, I'll tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this train wreck AND find out who gets to keep that snazzy carpet.