Monday, May 22, 2006

Someone Please Help Her

Photo from Go Fug Yourself

So so so many things so very wrong in this picture. Let's take it from the top...

1. Shower Britney. Wash your hair, or your hair extensions, or whatever. You assuredly have a nanny, take the time to wash and brush that shit. I have TWO kids, and NO nanny and I wash myself almost daily. I'm sure you can pull it off too. Just try! Please!
2. While you're at it, get a color rinse. I don't care if you are pregnant, this is horrible. Your hair looks like marble fudge, that's not a good thing.
3. Before you go to bed, use makeup remover on that black shit on your eyes. I know, I know, I like that black shit too...but come on. Leaving it on overnight is not an acceptable beauty shortcut.
4. Don't ever turn your head that way again.
5. SERIOUSLY! WTF? Nice F'ing bra. How were you not arrested in that outfit? Bras go under the clothes. And I mean ALL the way under, not just sort of under in the front-ish.
6. While we're on the bra, let's say it all together...white shirt, white bra. Black shirt, black bra. Mix and match looks trailer-y. Though, maybe that's what you're going for, in which case...grand slam! Oh shit, I probably just got you hungry for Dennys.
7. PS That shirt is ugly anyway. Throw that away. You can afford a whole shirt, buy one. Get one of these shirts. Trust me, it'll be ironic. That means people will think you are smart and funny.
8. Sweet holy mother of God, pull up your pants. PULL. UP. YOUR. PANTS! We have a saying in our family. Crack kills. Right now, it's mostly killing us, the public. The people who have to look at you half nekkid everywhere you go.

I get horrifying embarrassed if my shirt slips open and my bra is slightly visible. You are walking around with your bra and underwear out in the sunlight seemingly on purpose. You surely are not stupid enough that this outfit is an accident. I think Adult Protective Services needs to get involved here, you obviously cannot care for yourself. You don't even get the concept of UNDERwear. This is not correct.

You know what Brit, just wear only underwear out next time. Skip the clothes, you really don't need 'em anyway. Clothes are very hard to work, I sympathize. I've said this before and I'll say it again, where is YOUR MOTHER?

Your kid looks cute though. Too bad you have a pathological need to crush his skull. As soon as you can, run SPF, RUN!


Amy said...

I could not have said it better. I think she got the bra idea from Sex & the City. Carrie would wear open back shirts with her bra showing. Bras that you could see through her shirts. Once I think she was wearing overalls and a bra for a shirt. TACKY!

Jessey said...

Yes. Tacky. Tacky is the word.

Tacky is NOT the word you want used to describe you.
It really is not.

Sar said...

Hahahahahaha! Okay the picture is sadly funny, but your commentary cracked me up! Nicely done, Jessey.

Jessey said...

I'm here for you.

Anonymous said...

Preach on, Sister. The morning-after makeup is what drives me insane. Then again, she had been crying after nearly dropping the kid--again.

I must differ with you on one point, though. White shirt is best worn with a tan bra.

Jessey said...

You are right Ali, white shirt, flesh colored bra.
Either way, the white shirt does not allow for a black bra. No, no, no.

And I feel very bad for Britney, I mean, she obviously has no idea what she's doing. You can't trip on your pants, almost drop your kid and then blame the paparazzi with a line like "This is why I need a gun."

What? You need a gun? For what? To shoot your pants?

cube said...

There is no hope for that girl.

Jessey said...

Ok look. Today I am wearing a white bra, a cream colored tank top (that has a built in bra that I just don't trust) and a sheer peasant top over that.

My bra strap is SLIGHTLY poking out from under the tank top but it is not visible through the top. Nobody but me, myself and I can even tell that the bra strap is poking out, and I'm STILL mildly uncomfortable with it.

I could never IMAGINE showing the world my whole bra ON PURPOSE.
I swear, it's a mental defect.
Britney drops SPF, but I fear that Britney herself, was dropped.