Halle-freakin-lujah!!

I ripped her last year, so she proved me wrong!

I knew Brit read the Bits!
That's my girl! Looking fly and winning stuff!

Proof of karma

I do honestly believe that the energy you put out into the universe will come back to you, positive or negative.
All evidence I've had has been at best anecdotal and at worst totally coincidental.
But now, I've found conclusive proof that there is a karmic force in this world.
I call it Stinky vs Pinky.
Some of you already know what I'm talking about. You learned few just jump right down to the comments and agree with me right now.

For the uninitiated, a primer:

1993: A young Britney Jean Spears joins the cast of the Mickey Mouse Club with fellow future superstar Justin Randall Timberlake. Yes. Randall.

1999: The pop starlets begin dating. All is well in Pop World. Dirty Pop World.

2002: Amid rumors of her infidelity, Britney and Justin abruptly split, sending Spears on the downward spiral she continues to ride downward into a Twinkie fueled Hell.
Incidentally, Britney reportedly cheated on Justin with the idiotic Wade Robson, below.



Robson may very well be the Devil himself. I have yet to prove this.

Also 2002: Britney stars in the movie "Crossroads" a dismal pile of garbage. Justin, on the other hand, releases his first solo effort "Justified" launching him into superstardom and saving the world from Chris Kirkpatrick's horrible faux dreads forevermore. Justin's ode to Britney's cheating "Cry Me a River" goes to No. 1.

2003: Brit's restaurant closes, Fred Durst reveals he's dating her (puke), more downward spiral. Justin's still the man.

2004: Justin reveals Janet's boob at the Super Bowl...creating the most TiVoed moment on TV ever.
Britney marries some tool wearing cutoff jeans and a drunk face (though, she claims she wasn't drunk). Annulment follows.
Britney blows out her knee and meets another tool, the infamous K-Fed.
Meanwhile, Justin is dating the Joker, er, Cameron Diaz, which from the neck up is it's own punishment really.

2005-2006: Babies and cheetos for Britney; hit records, movie roles, awards and money for Timberlake.

2007: Crotch shots, shaved head, lots of Frappucinos, another failed marriage, fatness, lousy lip-synching, lesbian rumors, coke rumors, more horrible cut-offs, drug testing, umbrella attacks, bizarre custody fights and well, if you weren't in a coma this year, you know how 2007 went for Britney.

For Justin, hot chicks, money, more hit records, movies etc etc....
Oh, and an Emmy for "Dick in a Box" which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself.
Ok, I did. I peed myself.

That's karma.

Long story short. Don't cheat on the Timberlake.
What goes around, comes around.


Stinky vs. Pinky


The Way They Were

Britney Bombs

MTV Awards flourish despite Britney bomb
Britney totally bombed last night...and not in a funny campy way either. In a really sad, sad sad way.
I felt bad for her, but more so, for me. Because I had to watch it.
Oh my, how the slutty have fallen.
In what only can be called the worst comeback ever, Britney Spears lethargically performed the opener for the MTV Video Music Awards last night.
I wouldn't call it awful exactly, or unwatchable.
I could not STOP watching. Sort of like a bad car accident. Or when you look in a tissue to see what you just blew out of your nose.
It was like that ya'll.
The Lowlights
*Her outfit, unbearably horrid. Showing off all the wrong things, like poochy belly. Poochy belly no good for primetime dancing.
*Her hair, no worse than usual. Which means, stringy, overly bleached, obvious extensions...not good.
*And about that dancing...um, yeah. I'm pretty sure that I've seen better dancing at a church sponsored junior high mixer. Scratch that. I KNOW I've seen better. Why for all that is holy and good would she choose a choreography that has her continually rolling her belly and pushing it out and shoving it in our faces. I don't like that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know in the "real world" Britney is a normal girl. Nay, a thin girl. But goodness gracious. Have the wherewithal to realize that MTV is definitely NOT the real world.
*The "Singing" - There was a point in that performance where she just totally gave up trying to lip synch (er...sing with the backing track) and concentrated on her fly dope moves. Yeah. Yeah....

In summary, don't call it a comeback Brit, unless you (the actual unmedicated, non-crazy YOU) is actually going to COME BACK!
Don't tease me!
Royal screwup? Oops...she....well, you know.

Britney Spears checks into rehab - UPDATED!

***Spoke too soon y'all***
Britney's escaped again
She better stop it now or we're gonna have another ANS here.
Someone help Britney!
*********************

Finally!
I don't personally KNOW Ms. Spears, but I am glad that she is taking this proactive step to halt her self-destructive behavior which, quite frankly, is no recent development...

Hello! Let's get into the wayback machine....

Aug. 2003 Kissed Madonna
Jan. 2004 Annulled 55-hour marriage to Jason Alexander (not George Costanza)

Summer 2004 Rapidly deteriorating sense of personal hygiene as in barefoot in a gas station bathroom
June 2004 Buys her own engagement ring
Sept. 2004 Married that walking dog turd Fed-Ex (what up Fres-neck!)
Dec. 2004 Orders a chihuahua a $180 steak at a restaurant
Jan. 2005 Gets knocked up No. 1
May 2005 Pukes in a swimming pool AND airs home movies on UPN
Jan. 2006 Gets knocked up NO. 2

Feb 2006 Drives with SPF on lap
Spring 2006 Tries to drop SPF on the street in New York

June 2006 Goes on Dateline with Matt Lauer looking like trailer trash, chomping gum; Tells Lauer her excuse for endangering her son's life is that she is "country"
Also in that interview she says

"There will be an “Oops number 100.” There’ll be plenty more oopses. I’m not perfect. I’m human."

Understatement of the decade.

Aug. 2006 Huge, naked and on the cover of a magazine
Nov. 2006 Finally files for divorce from Fed-Ex; Tweens on message boards cheer! (OK, I cheered too)

Then in the last three months, all bloody hell has broken loose.
Crotch shots, probably preceded and followed by Jager shots, Paris Hilton, lesbianism, rapidly deteriorating sense of personal hygiene (again), parties with strippers, pukes in her car, goes to rehab, checks out, shaves head, back in rehab...

Whew!
What a whirlwind.

All the best Brit!

Maybe she's giving up postpartum psychosis for Lent?

Bald Britney appears at LA tattoo parlor

Ok, apparently, Britney checked in and out of rehab, shaved her head bald and got lips tattooed on herself...
Bald Britney appears at LA tattoo parlor

At first I was like, rehab? Really? But I guess she could use it.

Then the tattoo? I am against the tattooing of lips onto people.

The baldness...eh, yeah, that makes sense, just shave it all off and start over...especially after hairdos like this...



BTW: This story was on the CNN Radio news this morning...
What, no play by play on the Anna Nicole embalming??

Britney...Stop it.

Remember when Britney looked like this?
Wholesome, pretty, sober?

I like that Britney. That's the Britney we all first fell in love with...























During the unfortunate Fed-Ex relationship she became the poster girl for trailer trash, with ratty extensions, bare feet in public bathrooms, ever present ciggie and Cheetos bag, multiple fetus baring outfits...
















But THEN, she went on Letterman and we were all happy! Yay! Brit is cute again! Her hair appeared to be human!














But now...this. Britney's flashing her cootch all over town. Ah, lord in heaven. Stop hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan! Unless you're all going to AA together, in which case, throw on some underpants. Dammit!
Britney ditches her panties, raises eyebrows

An Additional Comment on the Spears/K-Fed Split

With all the election news swirling, I've had lots of time to ruminate on the Spears split. :)
I've come to the conclusion that while Britney WILL probably be better off without Fresno Federline, it IS sad that she's getting divorced, especially since she has those two little babies.
I mean little accident-prone SPF is just shy of 14 months old and JJ is not even two months on the planet.
K-Fed isn't exactly the most devoted dad either. His two kids with Shar are 4 and 2 and I don't know how he finds the time to squeeze in visitation what with his busy schedule of singing on street corners and smoking the weeds (allegedly). Also, he has to get his white-boy hair braided all the time, not to mention all the shopping for fly tracksuits.

(I want to stop capping on K-Fed, but it's so damn easy)

Do you think the split was precipitated by Britney realizing that her husband was a marginally talented back-up dancer with rap star aspirations but no cred to back it up. In short, she woke up, realized she married a chump and split?
I wonder.

Britney Spears is BACK!!!!!

FINALLY!
First she appears on Letterman looking great (I told you stress was a great diet!) and now THIS!


Oh joy of joys!
She's divorcing the Federline!
Too bad it took her two years and two kids to figure out that he's a no talent hack, golddigging, good-for-nothing, worthless ratfaced SCUMBAG!

Ah, I feel the world is gonna be OK. Saddam's gonna hang, the letters to God are NOT going on EBay and Britney's gonna be free of that washed-up never-was!

Somewhere, Shar Jackson is wagging her finger: "I told you so!"

Yay Britney

There's another Federspawn. Another boy.

I am so freaking glad it wasn't a girl...she was reportedly going to name a girl Jailynn...terrible.

Let's all hold our collective breath to see what she names THIS one...and how long it takes before she's knocked up again. Any bets on Christmas?

Britney To Copy Brangelina

Britney Spears may have baby in Namibia

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
So stupid.

If she REALLY wants privacy, as she wept last night on Dateline, she should SHHHH and go back to Louisiana and disappear with her millions. The hometown folks will protect her privacy there. She also needs to ditch the K-Fed, who's hungry for the spotlight though he doesn't warrant the attention, at all.

Someone Please Help Her

Photo from Go Fug Yourself

So so so many things so very wrong in this picture. Let's take it from the top...

1. Shower Britney. Wash your hair, or your hair extensions, or whatever. You assuredly have a nanny, take the time to wash and brush that shit. I have TWO kids, and NO nanny and I wash myself almost daily. I'm sure you can pull it off too. Just try! Please!
2. While you're at it, get a color rinse. I don't care if you are pregnant, this is horrible. Your hair looks like marble fudge, that's not a good thing.
3. Before you go to bed, use makeup remover on that black shit on your eyes. I know, I know, I like that black shit too...but come on. Leaving it on overnight is not an acceptable beauty shortcut.
4. Don't ever turn your head that way again.
5. SERIOUSLY! WTF? Nice F'ing bra. How were you not arrested in that outfit? Bras go under the clothes. And I mean ALL the way under, not just sort of under in the front-ish.
6. While we're on the bra, let's say it all together...white shirt, white bra. Black shirt, black bra. Mix and match looks trailer-y. Though, maybe that's what you're going for, in which case...grand slam! Oh shit, I probably just got you hungry for Dennys.
7. PS That shirt is ugly anyway. Throw that away. You can afford a whole shirt, buy one. Get one of these shirts. Trust me, it'll be ironic. That means people will think you are smart and funny.
8. Sweet holy mother of God, pull up your pants. PULL. UP. YOUR. PANTS! We have a saying in our family. Crack kills. Right now, it's mostly killing us, the public. The people who have to look at you half nekkid everywhere you go.

I get horrifying embarrassed if my shirt slips open and my bra is slightly visible. You are walking around with your bra and underwear out in the sunlight seemingly on purpose. You surely are not stupid enough that this outfit is an accident. I think Adult Protective Services needs to get involved here, you obviously cannot care for yourself. You don't even get the concept of UNDERwear. This is not correct.

You know what Brit, just wear only underwear out next time. Skip the clothes, you really don't need 'em anyway. Clothes are very hard to work, I sympathize. I've said this before and I'll say it again, where is YOUR MOTHER?

Your kid looks cute though. Too bad you have a pathological need to crush his skull. As soon as you can, run SPF, RUN!

Oops, she did it again...well, almost

Britney Spears Tries to Accelerate Her Son's Brain Damage!

Someone else got my dream job. Dammit!
Britney, it seems, heeded my advice and has hired someone to follow her around and keep her from killing her kid SPF.
Good job Brit!

I'm still available though, so keep me in mind when you squeeze out Federspears #2.

Celeb News!

Sir Paul and legless wife split; Blame media pressure
I suspect that he finally realized how annoying she is, as the rest of the world did four years ago. Good for her, there's no prenup!

Two tranny looking folks confirm their engagement
Nic and Keith are engaged. The second worst kept secret in Hollywood.

Paris' Mum's Gifts Stolen
Kathy Hilton's Mother's Day gifts were purloined from her front gate, so says the delivery man. Methinks the delivery man may have pocketed the loot!

Britney Spears Tries to Kill SPF, Again
Oops, she did it again. Britney drove around with 8-month old son SPF in a car seat in the back seat but facing forward. BAD BAD BRITNEY. At least he wasn't strapped to the roof. Oh wait, it was a convertible. She's so lucky!

Shock Shock! Da Vinci Code movie sucks as hard as the book
I for one am completely shocked! ;)
I think it was the hair, Tom.
And BTW, what kind of parallel universe are we in with two summer "blockbuster" movies by our Toms both receiving a lukewarm reception? Where is our summer box office bump? What will be the big movie of the summer, "Over the Hedge"???

Britney, for the love of God! Stop procreating!

This week the world's worst kept secret was confirmed - Britney Spears is knocked up, again.

Brit visited Letterman on Tuesday to spill the fetal beans, and it's taken me four whole days to come to terms with the truth.
First of all, WHY would a benevolent God allow Kevin Federline to continue to populate the earth with his chipmunk children?

Secondly, will Britney EVER get her hot bod back? Not after having two kids in ONE YEAR! Not bloody likely. Her fake hair looks nice though.

Thirdly, Britney is having TWO KIDS in ONE YEAR! Her second will be born around the time of SPF's FIRST birthday. That's crazy! That's worse than Irish twins!

I just can't believe this damn Britney Spears. Her mom needs to duct tape her knees together.
Federline needs a vasectomy, for the good of the world. Jeebus Rice.

Britney Spears Is Pregnant With Baby # 2 -- Or Is She?

Now they are saying (and by they I mean US Weekly) that Britney is unquestionably pregnant, no two ways about it, for sure a bun in that decrepit oven.

If it turns out to be true and factual this time, I just gotta say...WHY???
She already almost killed the first Feder-spawn at least three times.
Maybe she figures she needs a spare?
As you'll recall with horror, I merely had a nightmare about doing the deed with K-Fed and woke up with heebie jeebies. I don't know how Brit actually has sexual relations with that goon.

National Ledger - Britney: 'I'm Pregnant'

Dear Britney,

Nooooooo!

Good freaking grief girl!
You're still torn up from the first Federspawn. Why WHY would you re-pregnatethis soon. You've got a dirtbag husband who's reportedly already squiring your replacement.







Maybe you should get Shar Jackson on your speed dial, cause, honey, she can give you some "getting over Kevin" tips.
If the past is any predictor of future events (and sweetie, Brit Brit, it IS!) if you're around three months pregnant now, you've got another four "good" months with the *love* of your life, Popozao. Then he'll run off with that French bird and they'll frolick in trucker hats, smoking cigarettes, chugging Red Bull and eating family sized bags of Cheetos and wearing cut off shorts and wife-beaters.



And then what will you do Britney?
Dear lord, I hope you made him sign a pre-nup.
Where is your mother? She should have shot you up with Depo herself immediately after this, or this, or sweet Jesus, this.

Lord help you Brit.
Love,
Jessey