Monday, March 03, 2008

I'm convinced. My son is devil spawn.

Are ALL two year olds like this, or did I have Rosemary's baby by accident??

Amy, don't read this. Or read it.
You deserve to make a totally informed decision on whether or not to have kids.

We (the children and I) embarked on a four hour errand-a-thon today. It was not pretty.
When I say it was not pretty, I mean it was horrific.
I mean, wow. People you don't even know giving you the sympathetic eyes horrific.
First Walmart, where Dylan was you know, Dylan. Fine for 10 minutes, then insane the rest of the time. We only got cabinet food there, snacks and canned food mostly.
About 15 minutes into shopping, Dylan INSISTED that he be allowed to take his shirt off, and spent the rest of the trip like that. Shirtless.
I'm sure we were QUITE the sight.

Then I had to drop off paperwork, I locked them into the car, ran in and ran out. Best part of the day, even though it reeked of farts and cigarettes in there.

Then the post office...ugh. They drew on the tables, I didn't care. The lady behind the counter said all snotty "They're not REALLY drawing on the tables, are they?" I almost jumped over the counter and punched her...but I didn't...too tired.
When it was time to leave, Dylan grabbed onto the chair like a tornado was trying to pull him into the dark Kansas sky. I'm sure at least one person thought I was kidnapping him.

Then in the Safeway parking lot I changed Dylan in the front seat of my car and he lost his mind thinking he was falling, even though he was reclined in the drivers seat. Lunatic.

Then we went into Safeway where I planned to get all the dairy, meat and produce and bread. Well, two minutes into THAT trip, Dylan lost his mind...again. Screaming, crying. I asked the bakery lady if she perchance had any cookies they could have. She did! That shut him up...for a while.
I actually cried after that. I cried in Safeway. Right by the cottage cheese section. Ugh.
I totally felt like Britney Spears, y'all.
I got through bread, dairy, meat, and just into produce when Dylan finished his cookie and went insane again. I grabbed five apples, a bag of lettuce and ran to the soda aisle...
He shrieked through checkout, then another wonderful Safeway person helped me outside. Lord only knows WHY she would subject herself to my screaming child. But he finally shut up with someone else to look at!!

He passed out on the way home, but woke up as soon as I shut the car off. Blast!
Now he's watching Spongebob after playing on the front porch for a half hour.
I need a martini.


eaf said...


To Jessey: You are not alone!

To Everyone Else (Especially Amy): Dude, you totally have Rosemary's Baby. I hear the black market is pretty good right now...

Anonymous said...

Sigh. . .my "today is the day we start trying to conceive baby Newman!" day gets pushed back at least 6 months with every post. In 40 years they'll have grand technology that will allow a 75 year old to get pregnant, right?

Jessica said...

According to my terrific husband, who has no friggin idea what he's talking about whatsoever...Dylan acts like he's auditioning for The Exorcist everytime he gets into public because I don't take him out enough.
'Cuse me? I want to live to see my 30th birthday, I think. I can't afford the strain on my heart of taking Dylan into public 3-4 times a week.
And I swear to all that is holy and good, as SOON as he gets into the car (where noone can see him) he switches it off. If we are alone someplace out in public, a slow day at the park, he's GREAT. As soon as another human form enters the vicinity he spews pea soup and his head spins around. I kid you not.
He's the Terminator maybe? With the lifeform sensing technology? The Termin-a-Tot.
Kill me now.

Anne Marie said...

I'm totally with ya, Jessey. There's a reason I prefer to be a hermit and keep my kids at home- they are so much more predictable there. I pretty much know that everytime I venture out into public alone- it will be maddness. And- I think you should have jumped across the counter at the post office, I CAN'T STAND THAT LADY- even though I don't even know her. Urggg, some people, I swear.

Jessica said...

I know my kids shouldn't vandalize federal property and all...
But it's not like they care for real.
Like I said before, we go to the PO all the time.
One visit, Dylan put a Relocation package on the little "fill out our forms" table. Totally in the wrong place. It doesn't go there at all.
ONE WHOLE WEEK LATER, that package was still there! Dylan thought it was lonely and put some Selective Service forms on there to hang out with it...
A FEW DAYS LATER...they were all still sitting out on that table.
So, really, puffy lipped fake blonde annoying broad at the post office with too much foundation on, shut yer piehole.

debdills said...

I think you should go on that super nanny show. I really like Jo, and I think Dylan might, too. And then you can be a pop icon for a short while. Dylan could be your claim to fame?

but if that doesn't work, duct tape isn't considered child endangerment, right? =)

Every time I'm in an "i want kids" mood I end shopping at some store with some really obnoxious child and think that I couldn't hang.

So I started this game. I look at the spawn of satan-types, smile, and in the sweetest sing-songy voice possible, say "You *really* should listen to your mommy right now." I figure I taught first grade long enough to have some authority, right?

It's hit or miss. Usually the mommies get super embarrassed and run into another isle, child flipping out and flailing right behind her. No wonder those kids will never ever never learn about consequences. Mommy won't let them face the truth. *sigh* but at least they stop touching me and everything I want to touch for five minutes.

but occasionally it shuts the kid up, the mommies look at me and mouth 'thank you.'

It's a fun game.