Friday, October 24, 2008

Respect the Hoo-Hah

Today was an interesting say the least.
All morning Dylan claimed to be in dire need of food, despite the TWO bowls of Kix he powered down for breakfast and the five spoonfuls of peanut butter he had for lunch.
He'd stumble around faux-disoriented hollering "I'm HUNGRY!" then when asked what he'd like to eat he would either run away or say "I want ummmmmm, milk."

Whatever looney tunes.

Elizabeth caught on around noon to the fact that she was not going to school today and could probably change out of her rib knit lavender turtleneck, navy blue skort, off-white tights and tap shoes ensemble. She was pissed.

"What day is it?" she asked me.
"Friday," I said, for I cannot tell a lie.

"I hate Fridays," she bemoaned and stomped off to her room stripping off clothes.
She emerged in just underpants with a flowery clip in her hair, which is what she wore for the rest of the day.

Ben slept his ass off today, which is FINE BY ME! Lord knows the kid is a REM camel. He stores all his REM sleep up in those cute chubby cheeks. I guess today was time for a refill...

By FAR the best part of the day was also the absolute WORST part.
I had to go to my ladyparts doctor. So Bob came home from work early to watch the big kids and Ben and I took off to see Dr. LadyParts. <==not his real name, that would be crazy! Like my physical therapist named Dr. Bonebrake. Or my mom's old chiropractor Dr. Paine. No shit.

Dr. LadyParts' office is like the 10th circle of hell. You walk in there young, you walk out old. It's like Rip Van Gyno. It's like O-B-G why the hell do I come here.
I'll tell you why...out of whack lady parts.

So...first we waited in line to check in. About five minutes.
Then we sat in the waiting room, watched TWO episodes of Judge Judy and half a Judge Joe Brown. Not in that order.

Ben was enamored with a young couple sitting next to us. I couldn't tell if the gal was pregnant or not but since she and her significant other were equally enamored with Ben and given the locale I suspect yes.
In either case, it was cute.

While we waited a young family with five kids and a pregnant mom came in. The older boy child looked at the giant fish tank and squealed to his brothers and sisters...

"There's a new fish!"

Now, that's when you know for sure that you have a lot of kids -- when they can identify newcomers to the fishtank at the OB-GYNs office instantly. Wow.

Eventually, we got called back to the patient room where my blood pressure was taken and all that.
Then, with Ben in the stroller, I had to strip naked from the waist down.

Of course, OF COURSE, this is where he starts to bug out.

Two minutes after I've become half nude, Ben starts wailing. I bent over and from the exam table I lifted him out of the stroller with one hand by one of his arms. That's advanced mommying, don't try that at home.

He wanted to nurse, so we did. Picture me, half nude draped in paper. Boobs flung out for the world to see. Meat tenderized belly flab peeking out.

Hot hot hot!

After Ben fell asleep I played that game that we all play while we wait in the patient room for the doctor to show up. I call it...Identify These Strange Hallway Sounds...or Exam Room Roulette...whichever you prefer.

Is that shuffling papers noise stopping at MY door?
Was that footsteps?
Did someone just remove my chart from the little chart cubby?
Oh sweet Jesus am I next!?!?
I hear the doctor's voice, is he coming nearer to my room or is he going farther away?
Oh LORD! I heard a knock on the door next door! I MUST be next!!!

Finally, after a trillion million years and many false alarms, the doctor arrived in my room.
The nurse gal helped me put Ben back into the stroller, and of course he promptly woke up and cried. Nothing is more relaxing during a pelvic exam than a screaming baby. Nothing. Aaaah, like ocean breezes.
I'll spare you the exam details, suffice it to say, we're getting better.

I jammed out of that office so fast, screaming baby in tow, that I forgot to get my medicine AND my instructions. The nurse luckily caught me in the parking lot just before I drove away...

My appointment was scheduled for 3:30 pm. I left there just around 5:15 pm.
Total exam time: Five minutes.


However annoying, it WAS totally worth it as I needed the sage medical advice from Dr. LadyParts to heal my hoo-hah.
So let this be a lesson to you other ladies.
Listen to your hoo-hahs when they tell you they need medical attention.
And bring a book.


Maribeth said...

You crack me up! Hope the lady parts keep-a-healin!

Jessica said...

So far, so good.

Anonymous said...

Now I just want to know what's wrong.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I always find that if you pick you half naked self off the examining room and grab a magazine from the rack in the exam room, they always come in.

Jessica said...

Nothing major, just annoying!
I had the same thought when Ben started screaming...if I stand up half naked, BLAM the door will bust open!

debdills said...

they always *knock* but do you ever wonder what they would do or if they would here you if you said "uh, don't come in right now!"

I don't think they would. I think they would assume it was the room down the hall. They do it to warn ya, but, really, who cares. Ready or not, here comes the gyno crew!