Monday, December 15, 2008

Drive a Woman Crazy In Ten Easy Steps

Step One: Tell your wife she should make some cookies with the kids about a half hour before dinnertime. When she balks, just do it yourself, then forget you put cookies in the oven and go outside to do some manly thing involving your truck. Leave the cookies to be the problem of the wife who didn't want to make cookies in the first place.

Step Two: Every time you get undressed, scatter your clothes throughout the house. Then complain that you have no clean socks.

Step Three: Tell your wife that she washes dishes "wrong" but don't offer to wash them the "right" way.

Step Four: Every time the baby cries, shoot your wife a glare that says "YOUR baby is crying again." When your wife reminds you that he is YOUR baby too blame your laziness on a lack of lactating boobs.

Step Five: Flat out refuse to change diapers. Especially poopy ones. Because the stink of poop affects men worse than women...yeah, that's it.

Step Six: Complain that your wife is too tired to do the dirty dirty, but don't actually do anything around the house to lighten her load.

Step Seven: Eat a giant plate of burritos 20 minutes before dinner. Do NOT eat dinner at all. Then have a giant bowl of cereal at 8:30 pm.

Step Eight: Grumble and mumble whenever you have to do anything for yourself.

Step Nine: Give the kids candy and soda and snacks, then leave the house. Alternatively, wind the kids up with a game of chase and tickle, then when you're done yell at them to be quiet. Charge your wife with making sure they are quiet.

Step Ten: Open every cabinet door in the kitchen everytime you walk through the room. Never ever CLOSE a cabinet door.

Extra Credit: Begin every sentence to your wife with these words...
"I'm not trying to make you mad, but..."

These tips are totally not based on my personal experience living with my absolutly terrificly maddening husband. At all.


Anonymous said...

So David does Step 7 all the time, except he is such a lightweight, he will eat a McDonald's hamburger, or bowl of soup, or small bagel & cream cheese at 3, and doesn't want to eat dinner at 6:30. I can KIND of get him to stop now, by yelling "I am going to HAVE to eat at 6:30, whether you're hungry or not!"

And as for the dirty dirty, I still don't think it's safe for the two of you to be going at it. But as we are banned from doing it all until babies come, maybe I just want some company. Seriously, banned (according to all sources but my doctor, who I was going to ask, but then baby was diagnosed with a hole in her head on the exact visit I was going to ask and ya know, at that moment, it didn't seem so important!).

Jessica said...

I'd say that 2, 5, 8 and 10 happen everyday at my house. Steps 3, 4 and 9 twice a week. Seven at least once a week. Six every other day and more often on the weekends. Step one usually only during the holidays.

I'm sure Bob could write a post from the man's perspective about how I drive him crazy...we're all striving for perfection!

debdills said...

totally unrelated, but... did you see mama's boys? I did not, however, read this lil blurb, and now think I may have to watch the trainwreck unfold....

Jessica said...

A message from Bob:
Everything is a lie. I don't do that stuff. Write something nice about me!

I told him to come on here and comment himself and he said...
"I'm making my comments now, to you!"

He wasn't really mad though...