Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My son...Lord help us all

Yesterday I made a run to the post office to drop off some packages. Dylan was a jerk. I had to make him sit on the counter to avoid federal prosecution for many crimes.
Then we went to the Mart of Wal where I bought some fabric and Dylan threw an empty spool of thread I was trying to match onto the floor about 47 million times. Spools of thread, of course, are round therefore they roll...
I, of course, am fatly pregnant. It is hard for me to bend over and pick up rolling spools. Dylan is a jerk.
Then Dylan screamed about wanting to eat "Ah-nulds!" which means McDonalds.
The old fabric ladies thought he was just oh so cute. They are tripping out on their Oxycontin I think. He is NOT cute, he is the DEVIL!

Elizabeth wanted desperately to go see the dead and dying fish in the Mart of Wal fishtanks. Dylan protested, but since I was pushing the cart we went to the fish graveyard.
They have CRABS in there now. Wow.
Dylan and I got into an argument about the crabs.
I said "Look! It's Mr. Krabs!"
He said "No crabs! Spongebob!"
"No really, Dylan, there's a crab in there!"
"NOOOOO CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SP-ON-GE-B-O-BBBBBBBB!!!"

And on and on.
Finally we left there and I bought my $20 of fabric and notions.

I took the kids to the McDonalds with the playland in a futile attempt to make them "tired".

Dylan stole a kid's hat, ran around roaring like a dinosaur and oh yeah, pulled out a chunk of hair from a girls head. Ok, not a CHUNK, but a nice fistful of hair.

At that point we departed from McDs Playland, lest we all end up in McJail with the Hamburgler.

We were home about 2.7 minutes (give or take) when our evil murderous cat Louie gifted us all with a LIVE BIRD. LIVE. BIRD.
In MY HOUSE!!!

Nay.

I had to call Bob and politely request that he return home from work to remove the bird hysterically scream at him and cry and beg that he has to "come home, come home now or I'll move out! Please you have to, you have to, you haaaaaaave toooooooooo!"

All while hyperventilating AND sobbing! I'm going to be 30 this year. Just thought I'd throw that in.
We all hid in Dylan's room, watching "Elmo in Grouchland" while Bob came home, snatched the bird right out of the air (his eyewitness account) and squeezed it dead then booted it off the front deck and left.

Despite what MY eyes told me, it was NOT a bald eagle/condor/Thunderbird but rather a tiny sparrow. At least, that's what is on the official report.
I still think it was at least the size of a seagull.

Dylan eventually got tired and requested that he be put to bed, finally, around 6:30 pm. He woke up at 11:30 pm and I got out of bed and returned him to his crib where he presumably remained until he woke us all up at 7 this morning.

Or he was up at 4 am laying the groundwork for another day of mayhem...
One or the other....

9 comments:

eaf said...

HA! HA HA! This is why I do not stay at home.

Glad you at least got your fabric. At least the day wasn't a total waste.

And maybe Spongebob WAS in the tank. Perhaps only demons can see him. It could happen.

On the whole "parallel life" theme (which we haven't touched on lately), we got a DEAD bird gift last night, although at 11pm when I heard the cat singing her own praises, I suspect the bird was still alive. I thought I heard some shuffling, but I was dreaming... I hope.

AND, we love Elmo in Grouchland. Mandy P. rocks. And those eyebrows. Love that percussion in the laundrymat. Totally "STOMP" for kids. In a really goofy, unimpressive way, of course. Without fire and stuff.

Jessica said...

Gotta love the dead birds. By "love" I mean hate.
Cats think we are incompetent. This was our second bird of the day and maybe the fourth for the week. Ew.

Is Marcus assaulting young women at fanciful fast food eateries yet? Ah, the rites of passage.

Here's the funny thing about the fish tank and whether or not the creature was Krabs or SpongeBob. Dylan wasn't even LOOKING at the tank! He refused! FLAT OUT REFUSED!
He was looking at the little gay packages of dog food for fluffy poodles that you're supposed to serve them in crystal dishes at the dining room table. Feh, catch a bird Princess.

Judy said...

Hi Elizabeth,

Just wanted to let you know that Jilli dog will be on Johnny and the Sprites this coming Saturday at 7:30 on the Disney Channel. Tell Athena. It's the second segment. We got a pre-release copy of it and Jilli is oh-so-cute! Judy

Jennifer (armywife51b) said...

That's a crazy day!!

Jessica said...

Jen, you have two boys, you know!
Days like that are why we don't like to leave the house too much!

Judy said...

Good grief. I'm losing my mind. I left a message for elizabeth in the wrong place. Sorry. Judy

Jessica said...

Worry not Judy! We love Jilli too!

Elizabeth - Parallel lives again! People leaving ME messages for YOU!!
Creeeeeepy! :) :)

Maribeth said...

Alright now I am really freaked that I had a boy instead of a girl. Is this what is in my future?!?!? I may need to go back to working full-time in an office and let my son be someone else's issue for 8 hours. I assume I am safe for the next few months (while I get that resume updated... I need to add the domestic engineer portion)!

Chris said...

I tried to let Elizabeth know (gently) when she had Marcus that having a boy was going to be a whole different ballgame. She grew up with a sister whereas I grew up with both.

She's learning.