Ben really enjoys going to the daycare at the gym. His insistence on going every day is what I honestly think gets me to the gym on most days.
Now I think I know WHY he loves it so much.
As we were leaving the gym today, Ben was telling me about the gal who works there in the kids club.
Ben: "Brittany is a girl. She is a girl."
Me: "Yes, she is a girl. Is she a funny girl?"
Ben: "No. She's not a funny girl....she's a pretty girl."
Me: "Yes, she is pretty."
Ben: "Yesssss."
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Attention Kidnappers, These Moms are Onto Your Tricks!
I just saw the funniest thing ever. Well, it didn't start out funny but it sure as hell ended up funny. For me at least.
Let me back up.
I went to pick up Liz and our neighbor from school. We have to wait like 10 minutes for the neighbor girl's school to let out so we wait at the park.
As I sit down in the grass this woman approaches me and asks if I have seen a little girl with curly blonde hair. I say "I JUST sat down, I didn't see her"
She walks off still talking to me, presumably, "There are two little girls and we can't find them..."
I am thinking, this is Simi and this is a small park, where the hell could they have gotten to?? They had like three moms engaged in the search so I didn't get up and join, I don't even know what these two missing girls look like so what help would I be, just hauling over random girls...Is it this one? This one? This one? I'd probably end up arrested!
Anyway, I digress...
The search party is wandering around, calling out these girls names for about five minutes. Fruitless.
Then these two little girls, one with curly blonde hair, come running out from underneath the playground equipment where they were sitting and happily playing the whole time.
The mom of the girls immediately starts yelling at them "Didn't you hear me calling you?" The girl, guilelessly says "No I didn't."
"Well you need to be listening for me when I am calling you and I didn't know where you were and you need to stay where I can see you...." blah blah blah...
I start laughing. Why was the mom yelling at her kids for playing on the playground? She should have been yelling at herself for being a dumb, blind bitch who didn't see her own kids 10 feet in front of her face!
The "crisis" averted, another kind mom reminds the once "missing" girls that they have to "Play where we can see you from now on!"
Oh, you mean like RIGHT ON THE PLAYGROUND IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?? Would that be an appropriate place to play? Whaddya think mom?
Those poor kids.
The best part was after the dust settled and the kids were properly admonished for being "missing" the moms sat down and started exchanging tips on what to do when the kids DO end up abducted, as surely they soon will be abducted...seeing as they had this very close call today.
My favorite tip was to remember what shoes your kids were wearing when they were abducted because "the kidnappers will cut their hair and change their clothes but they never remember to change their shoes."
Good tip.
I will have to remember that one.
Let me back up.
I went to pick up Liz and our neighbor from school. We have to wait like 10 minutes for the neighbor girl's school to let out so we wait at the park.
As I sit down in the grass this woman approaches me and asks if I have seen a little girl with curly blonde hair. I say "I JUST sat down, I didn't see her"
She walks off still talking to me, presumably, "There are two little girls and we can't find them..."
I am thinking, this is Simi and this is a small park, where the hell could they have gotten to?? They had like three moms engaged in the search so I didn't get up and join, I don't even know what these two missing girls look like so what help would I be, just hauling over random girls...Is it this one? This one? This one? I'd probably end up arrested!
Anyway, I digress...
The search party is wandering around, calling out these girls names for about five minutes. Fruitless.
Then these two little girls, one with curly blonde hair, come running out from underneath the playground equipment where they were sitting and happily playing the whole time.
The mom of the girls immediately starts yelling at them "Didn't you hear me calling you?" The girl, guilelessly says "No I didn't."
"Well you need to be listening for me when I am calling you and I didn't know where you were and you need to stay where I can see you...." blah blah blah...
I start laughing. Why was the mom yelling at her kids for playing on the playground? She should have been yelling at herself for being a dumb, blind bitch who didn't see her own kids 10 feet in front of her face!
The "crisis" averted, another kind mom reminds the once "missing" girls that they have to "Play where we can see you from now on!"
Oh, you mean like RIGHT ON THE PLAYGROUND IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?? Would that be an appropriate place to play? Whaddya think mom?
Those poor kids.
The best part was after the dust settled and the kids were properly admonished for being "missing" the moms sat down and started exchanging tips on what to do when the kids DO end up abducted, as surely they soon will be abducted...seeing as they had this very close call today.
My favorite tip was to remember what shoes your kids were wearing when they were abducted because "the kidnappers will cut their hair and change their clothes but they never remember to change their shoes."
Good tip.
I will have to remember that one.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Gross Stuff
I picked Dylan up today from school and asked him how his day went and what he had for lunch.
"Well, they finally found the perfect breakfast for me," he said.
"Really? What was it?"
"It was waffles and they were bigger and not crunchy and oranges," he said.
"Sounds good! What was for lunch?"
"Well, it was a biscuit and chicken nuggets, but they were straight, they make straight chicken nuggets and raisins but I didn't eat the raisins," he said.
"Dylan, you know how you like grapes?"
"Yep."
"Raisins are just grapes that they put in the sun and they dry up," I said.
"Um, mom? Why would they make good food into gross stuff?"
"Well, they finally found the perfect breakfast for me," he said.
"Really? What was it?"
"It was waffles and they were bigger and not crunchy and oranges," he said.
"Sounds good! What was for lunch?"
"Well, it was a biscuit and chicken nuggets, but they were straight, they make straight chicken nuggets and raisins but I didn't eat the raisins," he said.
"Dylan, you know how you like grapes?"
"Yep."
"Raisins are just grapes that they put in the sun and they dry up," I said.
"Um, mom? Why would they make good food into gross stuff?"
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A Quick Funny
Our neighbor leaves his outdoor lights on all night long.
This morning we all woke up before sunrise so Elizabeth noticed that the lights were still on next door.
She asked me why they had them on all night.
"Probably to keep like possums out of their yard," I said.
"Oh yeah! Because they are nocturnal!" she said.
Seeing the chance for a joke...
"That means that when they come over to your house they KNOCK on the door, right?" I said.
She chuckled.
"Uh, no mom. That means they sleeeeeep during the day and stay up all night." she said. "Bats do it, and raccoons and owls and lots of animals."
Dang, she is smart.
This morning we all woke up before sunrise so Elizabeth noticed that the lights were still on next door.
She asked me why they had them on all night.
"Probably to keep like possums out of their yard," I said.
"Oh yeah! Because they are nocturnal!" she said.
Seeing the chance for a joke...
"That means that when they come over to your house they KNOCK on the door, right?" I said.
She chuckled.
"Uh, no mom. That means they sleeeeeep during the day and stay up all night." she said. "Bats do it, and raccoons and owls and lots of animals."
Dang, she is smart.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Dips
Scene:
Yesterday afternoon
Kids and Bob were playing outside
Mom and I were playing cards at the kitchen table.
Dylan runs in...
Dylan: I want something to eat!
Mom: I'll cut you up some apples.
Me: Dylan, do you want caramel dip with that?
Dylan: (getting into the fridge) Where IS the dip?
Me: All the dips are outside.
Dylan: (after a long pause) Well, ONE of the dips is inside!
Yesterday afternoon
Kids and Bob were playing outside
Mom and I were playing cards at the kitchen table.
Dylan runs in...
Dylan: I want something to eat!
Mom: I'll cut you up some apples.
Me: Dylan, do you want caramel dip with that?
Dylan: (getting into the fridge) Where IS the dip?
Me: All the dips are outside.
Dylan: (after a long pause) Well, ONE of the dips is inside!
Friday, October 16, 2009
It was bound to happen someday
Elizabeth has not been feeling well these last few days. A sore throat, turned into fever, turned into some sort of croupy nightmare.
Last night she took a hot bath to alleviate all those symptoms.
Afterwards she wanted to change into totally different pajamas. I told her to forget it because I didn't want her rifling through the laundry baskets destroying the delicate order of the clothes just to change unnecessarily.
About a half hour later she tried to convince me to let her change again.
"Mom," she croaked. "There is a spot on my pajamas. I better change."
"No Liz," I said. "You will live with a tiny spot on your PJs. You do not need to change."
"Mom," she said in her 'OK here's the deal' voice.
She motioned to me "That is your body."
She motioned to herself "And THIS is my body. You're in charge of your body. And I am in charge of my body. So I can do whatever I want."
"No no no little girl," I said.
I pointed to her.
"That body's existence is SUBSIDIZED by this body," I pointed to myself. "and THAT body," I pointed to her father.
"So until you start paying rent, half the utilities, buying your own food and cooking it and driving yourself around town, WE are in charge of THAT little body and YOU will do what WE say you will do, not whatever you want to do. You got that?"
She shook her tiny head as if to say, "Oh mother, you really do not know anything" and tried to rekindle her opposition but I cut her off.
"You are NOT changing because there is a speck of a spot on your PJs. End of discussion."
And as that familiar phrase spilled from my lips, I became my mother.
Last night she took a hot bath to alleviate all those symptoms.
Afterwards she wanted to change into totally different pajamas. I told her to forget it because I didn't want her rifling through the laundry baskets destroying the delicate order of the clothes just to change unnecessarily.
About a half hour later she tried to convince me to let her change again.
"Mom," she croaked. "There is a spot on my pajamas. I better change."
"No Liz," I said. "You will live with a tiny spot on your PJs. You do not need to change."
"Mom," she said in her 'OK here's the deal' voice.
She motioned to me "That is your body."
She motioned to herself "And THIS is my body. You're in charge of your body. And I am in charge of my body. So I can do whatever I want."
"No no no little girl," I said.
I pointed to her.
"That body's existence is SUBSIDIZED by this body," I pointed to myself. "and THAT body," I pointed to her father.
"So until you start paying rent, half the utilities, buying your own food and cooking it and driving yourself around town, WE are in charge of THAT little body and YOU will do what WE say you will do, not whatever you want to do. You got that?"
She shook her tiny head as if to say, "Oh mother, you really do not know anything" and tried to rekindle her opposition but I cut her off.
"You are NOT changing because there is a speck of a spot on your PJs. End of discussion."
And as that familiar phrase spilled from my lips, I became my mother.
Friday, September 25, 2009
What Would You Do For Some Pudding in the Morning?
This morning Dylan politely requested that he be allowed to eat pudding for breakfast.
"Moooooooooooom!" he yelled from across the house. "I. WANT. PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You are crazy! It's 9:30 in the morning!" I said.
Ten minutes later.
"Mooooom! I SAID! I. WANT. PUDDING!!!" he yelled again.
"Yeah, well, I want fifty bucks." I said.
"Ok!"
He jumped off the couch and ran by me into the kitchen where he grabbed the step stool.
"I have to get the stepping stone to get mommy fifty bucks so I can haaave pudddding!!!!" he sang out to noone in particular.
I chuckled.
He went into my bedroom.
"There's money in daddy's room!" he yelled out, again, to noone specific.
He pilfered a handful of change from Bob's dresser and returned to me, not with $50 but rather a quarter and two pennies.
"That's 27 cents. That's not fifty bucks," I said.
"Oh, OK!" he grabbed the coins and ran back to The Bank of Daddy's Change.
He returned again, this time, two quarters, three pennies.
"Closer, but nope. Not fifty bucks yet," I said.
"OK!" he was getting annoyed now.
He left and returned again, this time he only had the pennies.
"No dude. You're not getting it. Get the big silver ones," I said.
"OK!!"
He left again and returned a few minutes later with four quarters, stacked neatly.
"Here you go mom. Big silver ones. Fifty bucks."
What can I say, I gave the kid a pudding.
"Moooooooooooom!" he yelled from across the house. "I. WANT. PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You are crazy! It's 9:30 in the morning!" I said.
Ten minutes later.
"Mooooom! I SAID! I. WANT. PUDDING!!!" he yelled again.
"Yeah, well, I want fifty bucks." I said.
"Ok!"
He jumped off the couch and ran by me into the kitchen where he grabbed the step stool.
"I have to get the stepping stone to get mommy fifty bucks so I can haaave pudddding!!!!" he sang out to noone in particular.
I chuckled.
He went into my bedroom.
"There's money in daddy's room!" he yelled out, again, to noone specific.
He pilfered a handful of change from Bob's dresser and returned to me, not with $50 but rather a quarter and two pennies.
"That's 27 cents. That's not fifty bucks," I said.
"Oh, OK!" he grabbed the coins and ran back to The Bank of Daddy's Change.
He returned again, this time, two quarters, three pennies.
"Closer, but nope. Not fifty bucks yet," I said.
"OK!" he was getting annoyed now.
He left and returned again, this time he only had the pennies.
"No dude. You're not getting it. Get the big silver ones," I said.
"OK!!"
He left again and returned a few minutes later with four quarters, stacked neatly.
"Here you go mom. Big silver ones. Fifty bucks."
What can I say, I gave the kid a pudding.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Some Funny Vignettes
Because my life as of late has been largely consumed with packing, taping, folding, sorting, trashing and cleaning....I present for you here a collection of the hilarious things that have happened this week:
------
The kids have started using what they call "Good Noodle" charts. Basically a list of chores or activities that they can earn star stickers for every day. Each sticker is worth 25 cents toward the purchase of a toy. They are each working toward a specific toy.
One of Dylan's items is "Get a good report from school" since he's had some issues in that area.
When we pick him up from school we ask the teacher thumbs up or down. Then we ask Dylan in the car on the way home. One day this week his teacher gave him a good report, said he listened well and is improving but that he tends to be overzealous in giving the kids hugs. Which I think is a cute problem to have. In the car, I asked Dylan how his day was, his reply...
"I didn't even kick anyone!"
------
Last night we were watching The Weather Channel to see if we'd be getting rain this weekend or not. We're not, incidentally.
When we clicked over they were showing the forecast for the southern states. All rain, just rain everywhere.
Dylan bolted upright on the couch and said "That's way too much raining! There's rain everywhere! That's too much rain."
-------
My kids love to dance, particularly they love to dance to the NCIS theme song. Don't ask me why, they just love it.
The other day I was watching one of those daily NCIS marathons, where they play like three episodes in a row. So every hour on the hour I would jack up the TV volume and the theme song would start playing and Dylan and Elizabeth would come running in from wherever they were and start dancing to the techno beat.
Then about 30 seconds later just barely over the top of the couch I'd see this other little head running in from another room, it was BENNY!
He'd join the other kids, with a big smile on his face, and HE'D start dancing too!
So funny. I'll have to tape it sometime!
------
The kids have started using what they call "Good Noodle" charts. Basically a list of chores or activities that they can earn star stickers for every day. Each sticker is worth 25 cents toward the purchase of a toy. They are each working toward a specific toy.
One of Dylan's items is "Get a good report from school" since he's had some issues in that area.
When we pick him up from school we ask the teacher thumbs up or down. Then we ask Dylan in the car on the way home. One day this week his teacher gave him a good report, said he listened well and is improving but that he tends to be overzealous in giving the kids hugs. Which I think is a cute problem to have. In the car, I asked Dylan how his day was, his reply...
"I didn't even kick anyone!"
------
Last night we were watching The Weather Channel to see if we'd be getting rain this weekend or not. We're not, incidentally.
When we clicked over they were showing the forecast for the southern states. All rain, just rain everywhere.
Dylan bolted upright on the couch and said "That's way too much raining! There's rain everywhere! That's too much rain."
-------
My kids love to dance, particularly they love to dance to the NCIS theme song. Don't ask me why, they just love it.
The other day I was watching one of those daily NCIS marathons, where they play like three episodes in a row. So every hour on the hour I would jack up the TV volume and the theme song would start playing and Dylan and Elizabeth would come running in from wherever they were and start dancing to the techno beat.
Then about 30 seconds later just barely over the top of the couch I'd see this other little head running in from another room, it was BENNY!
He'd join the other kids, with a big smile on his face, and HE'D start dancing too!
So funny. I'll have to tape it sometime!
Saturday, September 05, 2009
A moment of hilarity
Elizabeth fell off of the couch and banged her side into the coffee table.
I checked her out and she seemed fine to me but she was still wailing like she'd been stabbed.
"Go get a cold pack out of the freezer," I told her.
"Can't you get it for me?????" she wailed.
"Honey, just use the step stool," I said.
"I caaaan't! I have too much back pain!" she retorted.
I can't wait for the teen years.
I checked her out and she seemed fine to me but she was still wailing like she'd been stabbed.
"Go get a cold pack out of the freezer," I told her.
"Can't you get it for me?????" she wailed.
"Honey, just use the step stool," I said.
"I caaaan't! I have too much back pain!" she retorted.
I can't wait for the teen years.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Is this the only thing?
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So, Michael Jackson died. And subsequently MTV has decided to play M on the TV. I like this decision. There's only so much Real World:Cancun a girl can take!
We happened to switch on the MTV right when the epic video for "Thriller" was coming on. Despite my kids' young age, I thought they should watch it.
And naysayers, they were fine and undamaged for life. So chill out.
Anyway, they loved it.
Today I was watching a news show and there was a MJ montage including a clip from "Thriller".
Dylan came running in from outside and peeked over the couch to watch the video.
"Do you want to watch the whole thing?" I asked him.
"Yes!!!" he said.
So I pulled it up on YouTube. Shortly we were joined by Elizabeth AND Benny!
Halfway through the clip I asked Elizabeth..."Do you like this video?"
"YES! I love it!" she said. "Is this the only thing on the Internet?"
"Uh, no," I said.
"There's MORE!?!?!?" she said.
"Yes, lots more," I said.
"Alright!" she said.
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