A Quick Funny

Our neighbor leaves his outdoor lights on all night long.
This morning we all woke up before sunrise so Elizabeth noticed that the lights were still on next door.
She asked me why they had them on all night.

"Probably to keep like possums out of their yard," I said.

"Oh yeah! Because they are nocturnal!" she said.

Seeing the chance for a joke...

"That means that when they come over to your house they KNOCK on the door, right?" I said.

She chuckled.

"Uh, no mom. That means they sleeeeeep during the day and stay up all night." she said. "Bats do it, and raccoons and owls and lots of animals."

Dang, she is smart.

Elizabeth's Accidental Birthday

My daughter will turn six next Tuesday.

Naturally we are in the midst of throwing together a princesses pizza party in the park to mark the occasion and scrambling around town to every toy retailer trying to find the very specific Polly Pocket set that she has so fervently and repeatedly requested.

Her birthday dinner menu has been firmed up. Chicken. Rice. And Broccoli. But not chicken with sauce, or onions, or crust. Ew.

In addition to the Polly Pocket stuff, I've pulled together a little "spa" basket for her with all the pink and purple pampering items I could find that were appropriate for a kindergartener. Including fuzzy purple spa socks.

I even bought her a special new outfit and a little ribbon to wear to school on her birthday that says "It's my 6th Birthday!"

In short, all of our attention in the last two weeks or so has been focused on the date of my little girl's birth. March 9th.

Imagine my surprise then when I picked Elizabeth up from school yesterday and she strolled out of her classroom wearing a giant birthday crown on her head.

"Why are you wearing a crown? It's not your birthday," I said.
She shrugged.

Her teacher said, "It's not her birthday? I must have written it down wrong!"

Whoops!
Apparently, 4s and 9s look more similar than any of us could have possibly anticipated.

"Did the kids sing Happy Birthday to you?" I asked Elizabeth as we walked back to the car.

"Uh huh! We did it at circle time," she said.

"Honey, why didn't you tell your teacher that it is NOT your birthday today?"

"I dunno," she said.

Sigh.

I guess we just call that one a practice run and go on with our celebration on her ACTUAL birthday.
I wonder if they'll sing to her again or if that's just too much. I feel bad for her! Now her real birthday is gonna be a real drag!

It was bound to happen someday

Elizabeth has not been feeling well these last few days. A sore throat, turned into fever, turned into some sort of croupy nightmare.

Last night she took a hot bath to alleviate all those symptoms.
Afterwards she wanted to change into totally different pajamas. I told her to forget it because I didn't want her rifling through the laundry baskets destroying the delicate order of the clothes just to change unnecessarily.

About a half hour later she tried to convince me to let her change again.

"Mom," she croaked. "There is a spot on my pajamas. I better change."

"No Liz," I said. "You will live with a tiny spot on your PJs. You do not need to change."

"Mom," she said in her 'OK here's the deal' voice.
She motioned to me "That is your body."
She motioned to herself "And THIS is my body. You're in charge of your body. And I am in charge of my body. So I can do whatever I want."

"No no no little girl," I said.
I pointed to her.
"That body's existence is SUBSIDIZED by this body," I pointed to myself. "and THAT body," I pointed to her father.
"So until you start paying rent, half the utilities, buying your own food and cooking it and driving yourself around town, WE are in charge of THAT little body and YOU will do what WE say you will do, not whatever you want to do. You got that?"

She shook her tiny head as if to say, "Oh mother, you really do not know anything" and tried to rekindle her opposition but I cut her off.

"You are NOT changing because there is a speck of a spot on your PJs. End of discussion."

And as that familiar phrase spilled from my lips, I became my mother.

A moment of hilarity

Elizabeth fell off of the couch and banged her side into the coffee table.
I checked her out and she seemed fine to me but she was still wailing like she'd been stabbed.

"Go get a cold pack out of the freezer," I told her.

"Can't you get it for me?????" she wailed.

"Honey, just use the step stool," I said.

"I caaaan't! I have too much back pain!" she retorted.

I can't wait for the teen years.

Kindergarten is Looming

Next Wednesday is Elizabeth's kindergarten orientation. Real School! Yipes!

This morning she was sitting next to me on the couch while I drank my coffee and she turned to me and said "Mom, are you gonna be happy about me going to kindergarten?"

"Yes! Of course. You're a big girl now!"

"Yep. I just get bigger and bigger. Are you gonna be happy about my next birthday?"

"Yes, you're going to be six years old!"

"Yeah, I can never stop growing!"

Then she tried to make me do yoga with her out of her "My Daddy is Pretzel" book, but she couldn't find the book. Whew!

No yoga for me until I've had at least two cups of coffee!

Is this the only thing?

So, Michael Jackson died. And subsequently MTV has decided to play M on the TV. I like this decision. There's only so much Real World:Cancun a girl can take!

We happened to switch on the MTV right when the epic video for "Thriller" was coming on. Despite my kids' young age, I thought they should watch it.
And naysayers, they were fine and undamaged for life. So chill out.

Anyway, they loved it.
Today I was watching a news show and there was a MJ montage including a clip from "Thriller".

Dylan came running in from outside and peeked over the couch to watch the video.

"Do you want to watch the whole thing?" I asked him.

"Yes!!!" he said.

So I pulled it up on YouTube. Shortly we were joined by Elizabeth AND Benny!

Halfway through the clip I asked Elizabeth..."Do you like this video?"

"YES! I love it!" she said. "Is this the only thing on the Internet?"

"Uh, no," I said.

"There's MORE!?!?!?" she said.

"Yes, lots more," I said.

"Alright!" she said.

I'm, Apparently, Full of Eggs

Remind me to never blog the words "nothing much going on here"

Today after Show Low Days, I put Benny down for a nap and the kids went running around like uncaged monkeys. Then Ben woke up and we somehow were all hanging out in my bedroom while Bob played a video game.

Dylan was messing around on my work out machine and Benny was crawling toward him and then BLAM! Dylan knocked Ben right in the forehead with the dang Gazelle pedal.
AH CRAPSHIT!

Immediately Ben wailed. I freaked out and grabbed him up. A lump began to form. A big lump.

Dammit!!!

I swooped Ben (screaming) into the kitchen and got an ice pack for his head. He wouldn't let me hold it on there. The lump grew and darkened.

I informed Bob that we would PROBABLY be adjourning to the emergency room. Then we did.

Despite having a child with a head injury I was not immediately whisked into the sacred ER.
After he PUKED on me, I told the bitch ho behind the counter and she said "No worries!" and I said "Bitch please!" No.
I really said...
"Actually he got hit in the head, so I'm quite worried that he just puked on me."

Still, no action from the nurses.

Finally they call us back and we don't even get a room, we get a glorified hallway aka the suture "room" which is partitioned into two "rooms" by "curtains". No, they were real curtains.

On one side is a gal on a bed getting her leg stitched up after a quite nasty fall. Tetanus shot required. Patient privacy is a JOKE!
On the other side is Ben's exam area. There is no bed. There is however, a La-Z-Boy chair.
What???!?

Because there is no bed, I have to hold Ben the whole time. He is angry, hurt and squiggly. THIS part of the day really freaking sucks. Seriously, I've been home for two hours and my arms are STILL sore.

OK, anyway. 100 hours later the PA comes to examine him, by then he's puked again. So it's OFF to a CT scan for us! Yay!

Other than the puking and the total hatred of being at the hospital (which in my opinion is normal behavior) he's acting fine, so I'm not super concerned at this point.
We get to CT and it's just like on House. And I said that. And the CT tech said, "oh baby, tell your mom she's funny." And I wasn't sure if she meant it or if she was being sarcastic. I went with half of each.

Then despite having trained and able bodied people there, the CT tech tried to make ME hold Ben onto the CT scan table thingy...that was an epic fail. He squiggled too much and I love him too much to restrain him.

So that girl who halfheartedly said I was funny got Punk'd and SHE got to wrestle my baby and listen to him holler in her face. Who's funny now?

Then we went back to the room hallway and La-Z-Boy to await the results. About an hour later, and 4000 squiggles and screams, the CT results were in!

It happens so much faster on House.
Anyway, in the hour I waited, I kept hearing part of the M*A*S*H theme song (trivia: It's actually called "Suicide is Painless" which adds to the ultimate irony of this story) being played in the ER.
When a nurse type person finally came into our hallway I asked her about it and she said that the trauma system was set to play the M*A*S*H theme song as an alert tone to let the ER staff know that a patient would be arriving by ambulance or helicopter. Pretty fricking dark no?

Ben's CT scan was clear, no sign of brain trauma or bleed, which I expected given his demeanor, which was normal. As we awaited our discharge paperwork, I heard the M*A*S*H theme song three times. One sick baby, two assaults (one on the Rez).

Shortly thereafter, we were discharged. While I loaded Ben into the car, I saw the helicopter coming from the direction of the reservation. Mr. Assault Victim. As we turned out of the ER parking lot and onto the main road, there was an ambulance. Two minutes later, the other ambulance. Wow. Those ER people were about to get VERY busy.

Since Benny was fine and I was starving, I hit the KFC for a grilled chicken meal. So I guess I went to KGC.

When I got home, I was immediately descended on, like crows to a fresh squirrel carcass in the hot summer sun.

"You're not getting any of MY dinner! You guys ate pizza!" I said.

Dylan eyed my tray like the Terminator.

Chicken. Rejected.
Mashed potatoes. No match.
Cole slaw. Negative.
Biscuit....analyzing....analyzing.....Approved!

"I'll just have aaaaaaaa biscuit!" he said with such glee that I just HAD to split the biscuit with him. What a sucker I am!

Then Elizabeth pulled the same move.

Potatoes. Ew!
Cole slaw. Gross!!
Biscuit. Missing!
Chicken wing....analyzing....analyzing....APPROVED!!

But she didn't speak. She just puppy-dog-eyed my chicken wing until I gave up and let her have it.
Then she wanted my spork! My SPORK!

I gave it to her.

"Mmmmm. Smork!" she said.

My meal plundered and consumed (Elizabeth saved her sMork). I adjourned to the loo, accompanied by Mr. Biscuit Thief.
Since he's potty training, he went first. A trickle at best, but a start!
He examined his work, and was proud.
Then I had to use the loo. I peed.
He was astonished at the loud loud noise!
"My pee was very quiet!" he said.

Then he examined MY work...

"Whoa mom! You're full of eggs!" and he flushed it away. I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants, but then I remembered, I had just peed and as Dylan says I was "all out of pee."

So yeah, remind me to never say "there's nothing much going on here" ever again.

The End.

Graduation Day

My baby just graduated from preschool!
Oh my! The first of many educational milestones, hopefully to conclude with her PhD!!

For today though, the kids sang "Tony Chestnut Knows I Love You", one kid had a meltdown and though I didn't graduate I did get TWO certificates of appreciation for having nothing better to do than hang out at school and go to field trips and help in class constantly....

On to the pics!


The Triad


Elizabeth and BFF McKayla


Graduated!


Miss Terry and Elizabeth


Dylan and Miss Terry

Dis-GUS-ting!

Friday night my sister in law took the two big kids for a sleepover and Benny went to bed early. I INTENDED to use my evening to make the multitude of cupcakes for the BBQ Birthday party and straightening up the house.

INSTEAD the fickle finger of fate pointed right at my head and said, "yeah, I don't think so!"

At 9:45 pm the phone rang. Never a good sign. We've all but expressly forbidden phone calls after 9 pm that are not of an emergency nature. It's past the kids' bedtime, and thus it is OUR time. It's not telemarketer time or chit chat about blah blah time.
Anyway, the phone ringing after 9 pm or before 9 am is never a good sign, nor is it ever met with happiness.

It was my sister in law.
"Hey you need to come pick up your daughter," she said.

"Is she sick?" I asked.

"Not technically, she's got lice," she answered.

"Are. You. Kidding. Me?" I asked, breath caught in my throat, head immediately aflame with phantom itchiness.

"Yes, I call people at a quarter to 10 at night and joke about lice," she said.

"Oh God! OK, Bob will come get her!"

I dispatched my husband into the night to first pick up all the delousing supplies that WalMart carried, and then to pick up the little buggy one from his sister's house.

Meanwhile, I began to furiously strip beds, toss pillows into the dryer on high heat and the loooong night of laundry began. I think in all I washed at least 11 loads of laundry just that first night. Including all the comforters in the whole house.

Once the first load was in, I began vacuuming. I vacuumed EVERYTHING. Every floor, every couch. I put the vacuum up on the bed mattresses and vacuumed them. Then I did all the floors again, just for good measure. When Bob got home with the buggy one, I was vacuuming the living room couch.

He took over house delousing duties while I stuck the buggy one into the tub and shampooed her hair with the lice shampoo. Smells soooo good. Bleh.

After the shampooing, the fun process of combing began. The bugs were too much for me to handle and I got furloughed back to laundry duty while Bob took over the combing process. Elizabeth, bless her sweet heart, fell asleep in the middle of it, so most of the combing that first night she doesn't remember at all!

Neither Bob nor I got to bed that night before 2 am. In addition to my laundry duties I was also baking cupcakes and dang it, I had only ONE cupcake pan. So I had to bake 12 cupcakes, wait for them to cool off, take them out of the pan, bake another 12 cupcakes.....
It was teeeedious.

The next day we re-combed her hair and tied it up for the BBQ, we warned everyone beforehand of the situation and warned her not to rub her head on anyone.
As far as we know, noone else got infested.

After the party, my sister in law hung around to help us comb out her hair again, and also to check MY hair just in case. No bugs for me!

That day ended around midnight. Sigh.

Sunday morning, another round of combing. More laundry. I slathered Elizabeth's hair in conditioner and tied it up in a bun. I know you're not supposed to do that, but I figured so what. It would at least keep whatever was left in there from spreading around, though by this point we were down to just the nits and I was fairly sure that the lice shampoo should have killed them all.

More combing, more combing....
Fun fun fun!

Monday morning, more combing. I got the kids ready to take Elizabeth to school. I already called and told them the situation, they said she had to be nit-free to come to school. She looked good to me, but the teachers checked her and found a few! Dang!
So she couldn't stay in class yesterday. We came home and treated her again, and more combing. MOOOOOOORE combing.

Luckily, the boys have avoided the lice, somehow. Not that it would be all that hard to get them off of the boys. Given their shorty short hair!

Yesterday afternoon I got so frustrated with all the combing that I chopped 3-4 inches off Elizabeth's hair to make it easier. Now it's just to her shoulders instead of halfway down her back. Sigh. Oh well, short hair is better for the hot summer weather anyway. I'm about to get her hair wet and comb it again....cross your fingers! Nit-free!
It's the last week of school, I'd hate for her to miss out on all the activities because some kid got lice and gave it to her and his or her thoughtless parents didn't bother to tell the school so we could be checking for it. Damn jerk off parents!

A preview of the teen years

Me: Elizabeth, could you put this away for me so I can go get Ben (who's crying in bed)
Elizabeth: (skips away) Nope! It's not Mothers Day anymore!
Me: You didn't even do anything for me ON Mothers Day!
Elizabeth: And I'm not going to start now!

Sigh.

Sniffle, my baby is growing up!

Yesterday afternoon I dropped Elizabeth off at her friends house for her first ever very official sleepover that did not involve any family members whatsoever!
And I didn't cry!

She was beyond excited! She woke up Saturday morning just begging to go over early, though we weren't scheduled to arrive until 3 pm.
At 10:15 am she ran in and said "Mom! The clock says 3 we have to go!"
I said "Not yet! When the little hand points to the 3, then it's 3 pm."

She walked off grumbling.

When we FINALLY dropped her off, she was jumping out of her carseat with excitement.
I brought her and the boys inside and hung out for awhile, not that Elizabeth cared one bit. In fact, she was asking me beforehand WHY she could only stay over ONE night instead of eleventy billion....sigh.

As I was leaving I said "Be good, be polite and kind and you can call me later if you need to!"

She sort of shrugged me off...
"OK mom, OK."
And went back to making princess crafts with her friend.

Well, fine then!

She never called either, which I'm hoping is a good sign. I almost called to check on her, but then didn't want to seem like a crazy mom or break up a happy time for her by reminding her that she wasn't home and potentially CAUSING her problems, you know?

So I refrained, which was hard for me.
My little girl, she's growing up so fast!

Elizabeth's Fifth Birthday Party

It was fun and fast! Exactly what you want in a kids birthday party. Noone got bored and we were all cleared out of there about two hours after we first arrived. Not bad!

Here's some pics of the party


>


and afterward...

March? Already?!?

This time next week Elizabeth will be turning five years old and I will be crumpled in a heap sobbing and wondering where the time has gone.






March has really snuck up on me this year. Last weekend I was talking about getting her party details together and I said "you know we have time, it's like three weeks away."
No no, said my mom...it's NEXT WEEKEND!

WHAT?!?

So yeah I'm a little unprepared for this, plus it's supposed to rain so that kills the whole party in the park thing we were planning. Sigh.
Now I have to scramble to find an alternate location, probably the go-to party place up here, the pizza parlor.






Whatever we end up doing it will be fun and great, because Elizabeth is fun and great and she carries that spirit with her in all she does. Except cleaning up after herself, she does that with a spirit of vengeance and furious rage.

More funny things that my kids say

Yesterday Elizabeth went out to her grandpa's house in the middle of nowhere. I guess on the way out there she saw some cows fighting in a field. I'm not sure what cows fight over, or how they fight, but that's her story.

She piped up to let everyone in the car know that black cows make "charcoal" milk. NOT chocolate milk. Charcoal milk.

Her uncle asked her, "Who drinks charcoal milk?"

She said, "The black cows!"

Ears

Monday morning Elizabeth informed me that her ear hurt "so so so so so bad"
She also said she had a headache. To me, she did not feel feverish so I asked her...

"Do you want to go to the doctor?"
"Yes!"
"Even if you have to get a shot, you still want to go?"
"Yes! It huuuuuuuurts!!"

With the recent history of ear infections in our house, I took this complaint very seriously. Even though Monday was supposed to be our day to stay home and do nothing, I bundled up all three kids and we went to the Urgent Care instead.

Now, I gotta say, one of the advantages to living in BFE Nowhere is that there is hardly ever any wait at Urgent Care. This was the case on Monday, which was a blessing, since Dylan was crazy, Ben was crabby and Elizabeth well, she mysteriously was cured of her terrible ear pain and was running around the waiting room with her brother. Weird.

We got back into the exam room fairly quickly. The kids immediately started fighting over who would get to sit where. This happens every time we go to the doctors office. See, they have those really fun rolling chairs. Both kids want desperately to sit on the rolling chair. They are very dangerous.
I've established a "Noone sits on the rolling chair except the doctor!" policy. So instead they fight over who gets to spin the rolling chair.
I try to stop them, but I lose all my energy and instead I just go to my happy place.

So, the PA comes in to check out her ears. Surprise! They're so jammed with earwax he can't even see the eardrum!
Two very nice nurses come in and execute a fantastic earwax irrigation technique which sent two huge chunks of goo flowing right out of Elizabeth's ears. One giant chunk for each tiny ear.
Gross.
But neat.
I couldn't resist looking at the wax chunks. About the size of an apple seed. Sick!

Then with the pathway clear, the PA was able to see that yes, there's a slight infection in the right ear. Another surprise!

RX: Antibiotics
Official DX:
Impacted cerumen
Otalgia
Otisis Media

Sounds so much more serious than slight ear infection huh?

Another ridiculous kid moment....

It seems that of late, this blog has turned into Kids Say the Darnedest Things....
Well, here's another entry!

Elizabeth: Mom! I have a wedgie! I have a Texas wedgie!

Me: What is a Texas wedgie?

Elizabeth: It's when smoke comes out of your pants and your butt sweats.

Me: Uh, ok.


I have since Googled the term Texas wedgie and have learned that it comes from "iCarly".


That poor Gibby....

In the episode "iGot Detention", Gibby receives at least two "Texas" wedgies. The humor is found in the fact that his pants are smoking in the scene where he walks through the hallway, implying that the wedgie occurred quickly and frequently enough to create a great amount of friction (and therefore pain and smoke).

See, sometimes she's not just talking nonsense!! I'm still not exactly sure why this particular form of adolescent torture is a Texas wedgie though....hmmm....

First School Program!

Because I'm a dorkface and left my camera in the car, I have no pictures of this. But my sister in law does and as soon as I can talk her through the download/upload process I'll put a picture on here!

Anyway...Elizabeth's class had their first little song and dance program last night. It's really just an incentive to get parents to come to the parent committee meeting, but hey, it works!
There's 18 kids in her class and I think all but a couple showed up for the performance, which was great! Her teacher was very nervous that noone would come or that the kids would freak out. Only one little girl had a minor breakdown, so that's a success! It was totally not the kid I thought would freak out either.

Elizabeth did great! Her aunt did her hair all beautiful and curly and like half the family showed up to watch her. Grandpa Mike even braved the freezing windy weather to see her sing!
When the show was all over she got flowers and a big balloon and that just made her day.
I was so proud of her, and proud of Dylan for not causing a ruckus during the show. Yay Dylan!
AND Ben is cutting ANOTHER tooth! He hardly lets me see them, he covers the teeth up with his tongue when I try to catch a glimpse. So getting a picture will be hard I think! Maybe after they pop out all the way?

A Quick Funny Post

Last night Bob was watching the Suns-Bulls game and we were all tortured by it treated to it as well. Basketball...eh. Not really my thing.
Anyway...

One of the Bulls players, Joakim Noah for those who care, has long hair and wears it tied back for games.
After watching the game for awhile, Elizabeth, ever the funny girl, said to me "Mom! There's ONE girl out there!"

After I stopped laughing so hard my belly hurt I said "No honey, they're all boys. He just has long hair."

"Oh," she said.

What will she think of Troy Polamalu today???

Molecules....

The other day Bob called me into the kitchen like this...

"Jessica! Did you hear what your daughter just said?"

Ah crap!
I'm thinking, I really need to stop cussing while I drive with the kids....

So I go in there, fully prepared to be in trouble.

Elizabeth is standing there beaming with pride. Hmmm....what's going on?

"Tell your mom what you just told me," Bob said.

"Ok," Elizabeth said. "Mom. When you smell something, what you're smelling is tiny molecules. Everything is made from molecules. They're too small to see, but you CAN smell them!"

Wow.

"Where did you learn that?" I asked her.

"I don't know, I just know it!" she said.

Wowee wow.


Cut to two nights ago...Elizabeth is having trouble falling asleep so I laid down with her.

"I love you all the way to the sun," she said.

"I love you all the way to Pluto!" I said.

She flipped around and sat straight up and looked at me very seriously and said...

"Mom, you know it's not a planet anymore."

"Yes, I know."

"Well what is it now?" she asked.

"I guess it's just a rock," I said.

"Just a rock, hmm. Yeah."

The Importance of Napping

Elizabeth and Dylan both gave up napping on a regular basis during their respective second years of life. This was very disturbing to me seeing as how when Elizabeth was 2 I had an infant (Dylan) and for Dylan's second year I was either VERY pregnant or had an infant. These kids either have very good or very bad timing, depending on their goals.

(side note: I believe their ultimate goal is to drive me straight to the looney bin)

So, with Benjamin I am determined to keep him napping regularly for as long as I possibly can.

I enforce the double nap a day policy strenuously.

No matter what, Ben is in his crib ready for a morning nap (fed, changed, binked) by 10 am at the latest, but usually around 9:30. This works out GREAT when he wakes up at 7:30 or 8 am but not so much when he snoozes until 9 am. Those are the days when I wish I had a nanny or a clone or a secret panic room to hide in.

But I digress.
The morning nap is essential because without it, he is a grump. An intolerable grump.
He must be napping by 10 because he has to be awake and in the car by 11:45 so Elizabeth gets to school on time (noon).

The round trip to school, drop off and back takes an hour. So on days when we come home, we're back by 1 pm at the latest. Then Ben has a lunch, some juice and takes another nap by no later than 1:30 pm. This is essential because he has to be up and in the car by 3 pm so we get to school in time to pick up Elizabeth at 3:30.

You can see, there is little room for error in the schedule and sometimes mistakes are made. If we stay in town during school, Ben does not nap until almost 4 pm when we get home. Then he sleeps through family dinner, which is fine, but he'll be up until after 8 pm.

When he properly naps in the afternoon, he's up at 3, awake for family dinner and sleepy again by 7-7:30 pm. Perfect.

Very rarely do we have a perfect day during the school week. Or on any day where anything needs to be accomplished outside the house. Friday through Sunday are usually good days. Every other day, eh, toss-up.

He's napping now, and will probably sleep until his usual 11:30 ish. God willing.

I just wish that Dylan would nap....that would really be a miracle. I need that miracle today!