I had a long overdue visit to the doctor today.
Yay.

I was very nervous, anxious really. Not sure what kind of office it would be or how the doctor would be or how long the wait would be...

Some of you may recall my LAST doctor's office was ALL KINDS OF TERRIBLE. Perhaps you remember the time I waited two hours, long past my appointment time, and still never saw the doctor. Actually, I walked OUT of that office and never went back. That was a super fun day.

Anyway, back to the present...
I figured I better get checked up you know, I'm almost 32 now and I haven't had a regular checkup in years, at least not one that didn't involve me being pregnant.

So a MONTH ago I made the appointment. A month. I showed up and was happy to see that the building was very nice and new and well appointed. Lots of staff, not a lot of people waiting, that is all good news.

My medical professionals (nurses and a PA) were all very nice, knowledgable, not preachy but not unconcerned. I left there with what I wanted and a few things I didn't.

I have to go back Wednesday for lab work. Ok fine whatever. I'm not afraid of needles.
But I also left with a diagnosis of high blood pressure and a recommendation to adapt to a low salt diet. Now, I don't use a lot of salt to begin with, but the salt I use I LIKE IT! I want to keep it!

But now I've got a couple weeks to cut down salt, lose weight, lower blood pressure, and overall just get healthier lest the preachiness begin. You know they're just ITCHING to holler at us when we stay fat and happy!

In addition to getting myself back on the uncrazy meds (not because I'm all that crazy now but because I can FEEL the insane creeping in on me) I also got some pills to help with insomnia (buh-bye 2 am!) and some vitamins and other supplements. But all these medications come with contraindications...mine are alcohol, salt, too much sunshine, basically everything I love.

Oh bother. Maybe I'd rather get crazy?

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Clearly I am crazy and unable to learn from my own mistakes!

I thought I would do a 3-day master cleanse this weekend (and Monday) and get ready for the HTA on Tuesday. Well. It's Day One, hour two and I'm already feeling insane!

The LAST time I tried this was August 2007 and it made me feel so crummy that I quit on the first day, which actually was good because it turned out that I was pregnant with Ben at the time. Whoops!
This time around, while I am assuredly NOT pregnant at all in any way, I still feel light-headed and generally crummy.
I'm not sure that Master Cleanse is a good thing for a mom with three little kids to try. What if I pass out and they draw all over me or burn the house down or clog the toilets up with dishtowels and Thomas the Tank Engine toys????

Yeah, I think I better not do this....
Maybe this summer....

A few bad days....

So while Bob was out of town I didn't get to exercise as much as I want to, I was waaay more worn out from dealing with the kids solo and I ate whatever I could grab.

BAD BAD BAD!

I ate Beefaroni. Ugh. It made me feel sick.

Of course, now I feel all dejected and depressed about that since I'm determined to not turn 31 and still be all baby fat and lumpy. Blech.

BUT! Instead of moping around and eating Pop Tarts, I'm going to get back into the groove and work out today and not sneak in high calorie foods and then "forget" to log them on my calorie counter.

Sigh.

Why am I sabotaging my own success??

Reporting my Success

I have been diligent about working out every day, I have watched my portion sizes, I have drank water and forsaken all other forms of hydration.

I have lost 4.6 pounds since Thursday.

You may cheer for me now!

I'm really encouraged by the quick results I'm seeing and it's just confirmation that my body is ready to shed the baby weight, I don't need it anymore and it's time to let go of it all.

Progress....

Since I got the new scale I've already lost two pounds! Yay!
I've been working out for an hour every day. It's great!
Now to just keep it up!

Ok, that's it, no more messing around....

Ben is almost eight months old and I'm still not getting anywhere on shedding the post-preg poundage. Not cool.

This fricking cold and ear infection is now the only thing in my way. Once I kick this, it's on!

Yesterday I used my WalMart gift cards from Christmas to get myself a fancy new digital scale that records my weight AND weight loss automatically. I've already got my start weight in there and it's no bueno.

I have all these excuses for why I'm not doing better for myself...the kids, the housework, the lack of time, the weather...it's all bullshit.
I have time, I put off housework for lesser reasons (like blogging), I have a Jeep stroller that the boys can strap into and run the park with me, I have exercise equipment at home for bad weather days....
I've just been lazy, dreading working out and all that. But enough is enough. I'm not happy with myself at all, and it has to stop.

So, yeah, that's that.

Buh Bye Baby Stuff

There are several things going on at the Evans Homestead presently...the most apparent of which is something I like to call The Great Baby Stuff Purge!
Since we're not having another baby, we can now safely dispose of, donate, lend out and hand down ALL the baby clothes, gear and accessories.
Thankfully, fate and fortune have aligned and there are no less than five pregnant ladies who are currently in the circle of trust.
A few of these ladies don't really need the donations, and are so far away as to make it not feasible, but they are still in the circle and shall be acknowledged! Shout out to AM and Mer!

Locally we have three four! available drop off points for baby stuff...a friend of mine, a mom from Elizabeth's class (oh wait, two moms!) and our possible future SIL. Sigh.
I'm also a big huge fan of bagging up clothes and donating them to Salvation Army or Big Brothers Big Sisters (which is huge up here) and letting them figure out what to do with them.
I'd estimate that I donate 6 bags (giant trash bags) full of clothes every year. We also GET a lot of hand-me-downs. I also donate shoes and silly toys we hate or are far too loud and annoying...etc. etc. Nice tax write-off, not that I need it.

Currently in our front room are two huge gift bags full of boy baby clothes, a baby bouncer seat, a swing, a bassinet and several assorted huge baby toys for my brother in law's impending infant. Yes! We FINALLY moved Ben out of the bassinet, which he outgrew oh, two months ago. Whoops!

Also ready to be lent out is a very nice port-a-crib which is slated to go to my friend Mandi after she moves into her new house.

This is very sad to me, since giving away my baby stuff is like saying all over again NO MORE BABIES. However, all these new babies coming into the world who I can enjoy and play with and snuggle and then go home without them, I like that too.

Which leads me to...I hate these celeb-moms who have a baby and then two months later are all skinny and flab free. F-off! Jessica Alba! I'm talking to you!
I wasn't model thin before kids, nor was I perfect in EVERY way, but still. My body is a hot mess now after three pregnancies in five years. A. Hot. Mess.

This morning I yawned in front of a full length mirror...never a good look even when you are Angelina Jolie. Anyway, my shirt crept up as I stretched, revealing the sad affair that is my tummy.
Egad!
I better get a piggy bank and start saving now for my plastic surgery...seriously. That tummy is totally not acceptable.
I don't want to look 15 again (maybe I do) and there's no way I ever could...too many bones to break to put me back together that tight ever again. But crap. Could I not look like I was just run over repeatedly with a meat tenderizer? That would rock.

Ben is 5.5 months old and it's time for me to seriously get back to working out, for reals. For REALLY REALS! Finally get this 20 pounds OFF of me! Then maybe try for 10 more.
Then when I finally DO hit the lottery/win at the casino/hit oil in my yard and have my fortune amassed I'll have that much less to do in the way of plastic surgery and I can spend my dollaz on bling.

Ugh! I may remove an organ....

I think I'm going to have to get an elective splenectomy in order to see that scale move downward!!
I've been here at my mom's for almost a month now...walking around, swimming, chasing after kids, blah blah...
I still weigh 175.
DYLAN lost a pound, but I still weigh the same.
Unfair!!!

The only reason that I even weighed myself was to try to figure out how much Benjamin weighs now. Unofficially, he is weighing in at 15 pounds!! FIFTEEN!

Anyway...I have to go now and stuff my face because I'm starving. It takes a lot of food to keep my butt so fat.

The Six Week Weigh In: Frustrating and Annoying

First let me say that I am totally irritated with my scale, I think it is a piece of junk and I despise it. When I say junk, I mean shit, and I mean it like this "SHIT!"
Not just because I have not lost any weight this week...but because I have NO IDEA what I weigh at all because every time I step on the scale I get a different result. Bah!
All the numbers I'm getting are jumping around in the same five-pound range as last week, so I assume that I weigh the same as last week...though there's really no way to tell at all.

That's the baddest news.
Here's the bad news...I'm going to have to revise my weight loss plan entirely, seeing as how I seem totally incapable of budging the scale at all these last three weeks. It's really screwed me up plan-wise!
Maybe it's not advisable to try to lose weight while I'm nursing at all. Maybe I'm stressing on it unnecessarily right now when I should be focusing on other more important things.

I mean, I've already come a long way. Regardless of what the stupid scale says, I'm thinner and leaner than I was six weeks ago (obviously!) and I don't have that far to go to get back to the weight I was before I got pregnant. That is all good news.

Here is the best news...
Despite my complete fear of not fitting into them, I tried on a few pairs of the cute pants I bought last summer when I was skinnier. THEY FIT!!
Yay!
I'm even wearing a pair of "skinny" pants right now as I type! Yay!

That puts me in clothes that are just two sizes bigger than what I wore in college my sophomore year when I worked out twice a day over the summer and got myself a nice eating disorder (coffee and tomatoes anyone) and got my body down to 135 pounds and STILL thought I was a fat cow.
I hate that girl. HATE! Not because she's a skinny bitch and still complains but because she had no freaking fun because she was way too concerned about what everyone was thinking about her all the time 24/7. As if anyone was as preoccupied with the size of her booty and the perceived lumpiness of her belly as she was.
Gah. Get over yourself!! I wish I could go back in time and shake myself!

Oh, and I'm also just one size bigger than I was when I graduated and when I met Bob, though somehow I'm 20-25 pounds heavier now than I was then, I think. That doesn't seem right! Right?
Maybe the scales have never worked correctly for me?

So, big picture now...
I've still got a lot of work to do. My long-term goal is the same, the same end-weight, which, fine I'll just say it, is 150 pounds.
Doing the cheap math, you'll see that I now weigh 175 pounds, or thereabouts (stupid scale) which is friggin' hideous and obese!! Blech.
Today I wear a size 16. But hey, I can also wear junior size 17 or 19 which kicks ass because I HATE old lady clothes and junior sizes are cut for narrow hipped skinny hos who have no kids and I have three kids and .... hold please .... 44 inch hips over the bones (which incidentally are not even padded with fat but rather poking out so figure THAT out).

There, all my cards are on the table...
I've spoken the numbers that dare not be spaked, spoken ...said.

Do you still love me? :)

PS - I don't know if Eleeza is out there or elsewhere, but she will remember hopefully that when I got measured for my wedding dress I had 45 inch hips and it almost made me cry, and that was (presumably) five pounds LIGHTER than I am now.
So boo-yah engaged me! I'm slightly smaller than you! Shazam!

ONH: The first obstacle

Operation New Hotness Progress Report:

Since the last report I have not lost any weight at all. The unreliability of my scale is a major pain in the butt also. This morning I stepped on the scale, got one number, stepped on again, got a number FIVE pounds less. What the hell?
I weighed myself about three more times and consistently came up with the lower number, but still!

I knew it was going to be hard to budge past that first post baby weight loss. I could not lose weight easily while I nursed Dylan at all. Nursing makes me SO hungry and a hungry me makes poor food choices. Like homemade rice pudding for breakfast. And lunch.
Poor.
Mostly, my problem is that I don't eat enough at breakfast so then I'm extra hungry at lunch. But I still don't eat enough or I eat the wrong things that don't fill me up but are high in calories. So by 3 pm I'm starving and I'll eat 47 little tiny snacks instead of one medium sized snack. Then I'm still hungry at dinner and eat two helpings instead of one and my butt grows.
Not good.

Though I shouldn't complain too much. I am only FIVE weeks postpartum, and I'm light years ahead of where I was five weeks ago, or even two weeks ago. Though the scale might not be moving as fast as I'd like it to, I'm still fitting into my regular clothes already and even wearing the jeans I was fitting into just before I got pregnant -- my lowest weight in the last five or six years -- even though my scale is showing me at seven pounds over that low weight still. These are all good things.
Also, it's starting to get WICKED hot here and that will curb snacking as well. Too hot to eat and I'll drink tons of water to stave off dehydration.
Yesterday I swear I chugged 16 ounces of water in about 3.5 seconds, then refilled my cup and chugged another 16 ounces. I hate heat.

When I'm not giving myself water poisoning, I need to remember that even a little bit of working out every day will help me reach my goal. I keep track of how long I work out every day in a book and I write "none" on days that I slack off of working out completely. Then at the end of the week I tally up all the minutes spent exercising. I want to reach a goal of burning 2000 extra calories a week, which translates to about three hours of exercise a week. That gets harder with every day I totally slack off. I only have to do a half hour every day and take Sunday off to reach that goal of three hours a week. Should be easy, right?

The more times I have to write "none" the worse I feel about myself, which is good. Internal feelings of guilt will motivate me better than wanting to look hot. I also need to remember the reason why I started losing weight last summer in the first place. My doctor told me I needed to lose 10 pounds because I was borderline diabetic. Not good.
The hotness is just a nice added benefit, I really need to get back to a lower weight for health reasons. I mean, I'm not even 30 years old and ALREADY at risk for developing diabetes?!? I'm not even that much of a flabby fat ass, but still...risks are risks. My dad ended up developing diabetic symptoms just before he died so I know at least genetically the risk for me is there.

So, that's the update.
I need to hope my body isn't holding on to weight because of nursing, and I need to eat more healthy foods and more regular well-portioned meals and drink tons more water and work out everyday.
Soooo easy!
Riiiight.

Post-Partum Plans

Remember when I said I had lost 2.5 pounds. Well I found them.
I think it's just fluctuations in water weight. I've been REALLY thirsty lately. Thirs-tay! Like, pour a glass of water, chug. Pour another glass, sip.
Or maybe I lost the weight and baby found it?

I have every confidence that I will deliver this baby and lose 15 pounds Monday morning. Whoo hoo! Now that's a diet!

After my mandatory recovery period, I will embark on a quest for new hotness...aka lose some fat flubbery weight.
The baby ticker will be replaced with a fat butt reduction ticker. I'm hoping that by 6 weeks postpartum, and through no real effort of my own, I'll be at or below my pre-preg weight which was 1** pounds. I'm not telling you!
Then I want to take off another 25 pounds past that, getting me to a much healthier weight of 1** pounds. This, I predict, will be the hard part. I've gained pretty reasonably throughout the pregnancy, so taking it all back off should really just be a matter of getting the baby and accessories out and de-swelling!
Then I should be right back where I was last August. Except, my kids are crazier now and don't ever nap.
But anyway...40 pounds lost (including the baby and accessories) is my goal for the summer.

I plan to do this with daily exercise, on top of the usual kid chasing, and watching my diet. No more ice cream. Sad. Lots more fiber and water. Yay!

I'm glad I'm having this plan take effect in the warmer months. Losing weight is SOO much easier in the summer when it's too hot to eat anyway! AND there aren't any cookie-laden holidays during the summer months either.
I'll just try to be sensible, get in exercise and keep track of my progress.

Plus, I'll keep my super cute PRE-preg clothes in the front of the closet to remind myself that I used to be way cuter and need to get back there and beyond. Beside that motivation, I can't AFFORD new fat butt clothes, so, if I ever want to get out of sweats and PJ pants, this has to be done!

Here are my short and long-term goals:
(DW=delivery weight)

Immediate post-partum loss/Three week checkup (June 2): I expect a 15-20 pound loss in the first few weeks just from having the baby. Goal: DW-20

Six week checkup (June 23): Another 5 pounds, bringing me all the way back to pre-preg weight. Goal: DW-25

Nine weeks postpartum (July 14): I'll be heading out to SoCal this week, hopefully 25-30 pounds lighter than the weight I delivered at. Goal: DW-30

12 weeks postpartum (Aug 4): Should be easy to keep weight off and keep losing. I'll be at my mom's house or elsewhere in California for most of July. She'll keep me walking around, going to the park, providing healthy meals and childcare. Plus I'll be swimming! Another 3-5 pound loss.
Goal: DW-35

The biggest milestone looming is my 30th birthday, which falls exactly 16 weeks postpartum!
Isn't that a major coincidence!

16 weeks postpartum (Sept. 1): During the month of August, Elizabeth will start official preschool, causing me to take the boys into town at least three times a week in the afternoons. We'll be at the park a lot I expect, and it's HOT here in August, so no heavy meals for me. Goal weight by Sept. 1: DW-40

If I can make this goal by my birthday, I will be about 5 pounds away from my goal weight for the summer which is awesome!
I think it's TOTALLY doable, especially considering that half of the weight I have to lose to get there is probably going to just disappear after the baby is born. Hopefully, I'll have a 15 pound baby and make it all that much easier! Ha ha!

Elizabeth's Concept of Dieting

Elizabeth was "reading" my diet book the other day while I was working out. I say "reading" because she cannot actually read, but she can leaf through the pages with conviction.

So she's leafing through and this was her commentary:

"This says you can't eat bread, you can't eat peanut butter, you can't eat candy, you can't eat bananas, you can't eat fruit snacks, you can't eat cheese....You can't eat EVERYTHING!"

EXTREME Fat Smash - One week update

So I've been doing the Extreme Fat Smash diet for a week now...
It's been going well. The first few days I was starving! I munched on celery all day practically. But now I've adjusted to the new lower caloric intake.
Oh, that and I cheat.
Shhh. Don't tell Harvey the drill sergeant!
I don't cheat that badly. I still eat healthy crap. I still eat the right portion sizes. I still do the exercise. And that's all that matters, right?

Whatever.
It's working. I've already lost six pounds! In a week!!!
Just 24 more to go to reach my goal! Whoooooooo!

It's helps that Elizabeth asks me while I'm exercising "WHY are you working out? Are you fat?"
And I have to say, "yeah....." sob sob sob.

Here we go....

I went to my doctor yesterday because he wanted to check me for diaetes. Good news, I don't have it. Bad news, I juuuuuuuuust barely don't have it. Shit!

He wants me to lose 10-15 pounds in the next three months and then get my glucose checked again.

I'm going for the whole 30 pounds.
I'm doing the EXTREME Fat Smash Diet (as seen on Celebrity Fit Club).

Wish me luck!